Sunday, January 4, 2015

Please don't fall

You know that feeling when you are dropping something and you desperately scramble to catch it by snatching the air, fighting all the way down until it crashes? With every clench of your fist and fumble, you think there's a chance you might still catch it! You hold your breath and your body flings into action. That's what we do when we don't want something out of our control... out of our grasp... shattered around us. We claw at nothing and stretch our bodies in the mere chance we can control our destiny.

I've been clawing. I have clawed the shit out of this. I have bent my body every which way. I fight until I hear the shattering at my feet. Then, when it falls, I just stand there. Like.... dammit... how did I let that happen?

I don't know why I keep asking myself that. I didn't 'let it happen'. It just happened. It is a disease. That is what diseases do. They happen. They keep happening no matter what you do, and they will continue to happen. And I hate it. I hate that part of me, that uncontrollable part of me.

I learned today that Start Scott died and saw this on Instagram: "You beat cancer by how you live, why you live, and in the manner in which you live". ~Stuart Scott

I certainly do not want to say that my disease is comparable to cancer, because it is not. Reading this was a good reminder to me to 'stay the course' and to remember that despite having diseased, ulcerative intestines, my body is STILL a temple. I can continue to treat it the way it should be. I can continue to be a steward to my family, friends, work, community. I can show others who are living with Ulcerative Colitis and Crohn's that this doesn't have to debilitate you.

As anyone living with an illness knows, we are not just effected physically. There is an emotional toll that we go through each day. Suffering from a chronicity has been difficult for me. I want to be a 'whole' person and never be weak and be the best mom and wife but sometimes I am hindered. Sometimes I have pain. Sometimes I am fatigued. Sometimes I'm weak. This is not something I take well. I DESPISE IT. And it's not just me living with this. It's something my husband and son have to live with, too.

Being in a flare has sapped a lot of my energy. I hate it for so many reasons. In addition to working full time, taking care of a house, cooking, being a mother and wife, contributing to my community and teaching part time, I am still trying to work out at least 2-3 times a week but I find when I do, it really exhausts me. I have been losing a little bit of blood every day for the past 2 months. If you think about that.... yeah.... I'm beat.

I just can't give it up, though. I can't just stop all my hard work. I can't justify it! I have plans! I plan on finishing top 3 of my age division in a 5K this year. My last 5K, I finished 4th place. I don't have TIME to be sick. I've got goals to accomplish! I've got pride to uphold!

I have a follow up DR appointment next week to discuss the findings of my colonoscopy and treatment. I can't tell you how adamant I am about NOT getting back on drugs. And if you think I don't consider it every day when I go to the bathroom, you are dead wrong. It's always on my mind. But so is the horrendous side effects I had from the drugs I started taking 4 years ago and I will not intentionally go down that path again. I started taking an anti-inflammatory herbal supplement called Zyflamend. I only started it this week but the reviews I have read on it were largely neutral to positive.

Please.... if you are suffering... don't give up. Don't give up your drive or your passion or your goals. Believe in your abilities and your body's capabilities. Believe it with me! I have to trust that I can get through this. I can't 'drop' this. I will grapple and bite and catapult until it hits. Then I will gather the fragments up and rebuild.
Halloween with the Man in the Yellow Hat. Curious George went MIA.