I'm one of the WORST people to grow a baby. My body just isn't ever in a good place for it. Baby needs the Garden of Eden - happiness, peace, and rivers. I'm the Temple of Doom. I am currently sitting at 22 weeks and feel as though the end can't come soon enough. I am so sick of vomiting and feeling nauseous. What Hyperemesis Gravidarum (HG) does to a person isn't just physical. It attacks you the same way any other chronic illness does. It cripples your identity and robs you of life's daily joys. The things in life you used to enjoy, you really can't anymore because you are plagued. I am normally a very active person. As soon as I pick Ollie up from daycare, we are outside, playing, running, biking, swimming, digging, exploring. Now? I can barely make it the 4 blocks to the park and "mommy needs to sit down". I wonder often if Oliver is frustrated with my inabilities at this point.
When you are robbed of your basic joys, you ultimately struggle with depression, anxiety, feelings of hopelessness. These are not "bad" feelings to have. They are feelings. And they must be felt and acknowledged. Ask anyone who has a chronic disease or is suffering through a very serious illness, and I can almost guarantee you they have these depressive feelings associated with the illness. In my case, I know it will end. But keep in mind, when the illness ends, one does not miraculously rebound from the suffering they endured for almost a year. It takes several months if not years to recover from the emotional toll. Keeping in mind, hormonal changes and post partum depression. I plead with anyone going through HG or knows someone suffering from HG, PLEASE, get help (sufferers) and do not judge their emotional status. Just support them and know that getting over this will take time and not to be rushed. It is not something we can just 'get over' or wallow for a bit and move on. We deal with this every day.
But don't be too discouraged; I still do find joy every day in my family and friends, it's just not to the capacity that I am accustomed and that is frustrating. My husband NEVER ceases to amaze me with how supportive and encouraging and understanding he is. You don't really know how strong your relationship with your partner is until you go through something earth shattering like an illness or a chronic disease, of which I have both currently. He tells me daily that he loves me, that I am strong, that I can get through this, and that this SUCKS. I can't tell you how many times he has fetched my "drug bag" (zebra printed gift bag I keep all my meds in and usually have right by my side), ran to the store for random things that perhaps sounded good enough to eat or drink, cleaned the house, taken Oliver on walks so I could rest, sat with me in the hospital. And not once has he complained. Oliver makes me proud and so happy every day and I ALWAYS find joy in him and try to not beat myself up too much that I can't be as active with him as I'd like. And I have friends and family who lift my spirits and are always willing to help.
A couple weeks ago, I twisted wrong and got an umbilical hernia, so I am under orders not to lift much, ESPECIALLY my burly toddler. That has been almost as hard as having HG. Oliver is still very much my baby and although he is almost 3, he loves to be held and carried and I love to do it. He has been a trooper despite this all and I am hopeful that he will never remember this period of his life, when mommy was docile and had to stop carrying him around.
My crohn's and colitis often has angry moments where I'll have active bleeding for several days and usually can get it temporarily back under control with the use of stool softeners and medicated enemas. I just pray I can keep a handle on it until I deliver this trooper of a baby. It really isn't recommended to start a new medication in the middle of a pregnancy, especially as I am nearing 3rd trimester. I believe at this point, it is inevitable that I will have to start on a medication after pregnancy to keep my disease under control as the past few months have been rocky and I am fearful of scar tissue developing.
As always, I am thankful for my team of medical professionals, gastroenterology, midwife, and perinatologist who see me frequently and show genuine concern.
I hope this baby will forgive me for being a terrible host and also fervently pray that all the medications I've taken to survive HG hasn't affected the poor thing permanently. Oliver survived a 40 week Zofran pregnancy, so I hope this little one can make it through the plethora I'm taking this time.
Wish me and my wee one luck.
