Where do I begin?
I'm devastated. That's the biggest understatement of the century.
Gastroenterologists really need to develop a different way of breaking bad news, other than waking you up out of sedation or anesthesia and saying "hey, you have Crohn's now".
Yes, you read that right. Not only do I have Ulcerative Colitis...now I have Crohn's. For those of you who don't know, Ulcerative Colitis is an inflammatory auto-immune disease that attacks your large intestine. Crohn's is the same thing, except it's in the small intestine. It has progressed. Seeing that ... I'm still in shock. How? When? WHY??!!
I am coping with this news in the same fashion any person goes through a grieving process. My initial reaction is shock. How can this be?? I literally didn't even THINK about Crohn's being a possibility. These were my thoughts going in: my UC has remained the same severity, my UC is worse, my UC is better. NEVER did I think they would discover Crohn's. I have wracked my brain in the past week thinking how this could have happened. Was it because I stopped doing my Remicade infusions? Well, it's possible it may have progressed while off medication, but it's also possible my disease was progressing unbeknownst to me over the past three years that we haven't gone in and taken a look at my innards. It's possible that stopping the meds made it progress faster, but it's also possible that it had already progressed this far while I was still on the meds. We just don't know and won't know. I have to go in to the GI in January. At that point, we'll schedule a CT Scan to get a better look at my small intestines and I'll probably swallow a mini camera so it can take pics of my small intestines, since he was only able to go about 4 inches in. Yeah, that's another thing. He could only go into the small intestines 4 inches, so WHO KNOWS how far that SOB goes ... (At this point I am taking a deep breath so I don't scream and throw my computer).
This brings me to phase two of my grieving process (which is a prelude to phase 3 where I want to throw my computer through a wall). Sadness. Extreme sadness. Disappointing, debilitating, heart wrenching sadness. As the explosion of shock started to wear off, it filled back in with this raw emotion. I cried a lot right after the procedure. I just laid there and sobbed. Travis kind of sat there helpless and my nurse tried to be optimistic. I didn't want to hear optimism. I didn't want to hear what they had just told me. When I was discharged, we went out for breakfast (I hadn't eaten in 40 hours!!) and I cried over my food. Then my brother, Jason, called me. Mom must have turned on her lighthouse (aka sent a mass text). Jason was always the most level-headed of my siblings. I think it comes with the oldest sibling territory. Somebody's gotta keep things under control! He usually will show up in a time of crisis with reassuring words. This is a weird analogy but for you nerds out there, I think of it this way: I'm Percy Jackson, a demi-god, and he's Poseidon (my dad). When Percy is in the thick of something really difficult, Poseidon appears and makes things seem better, by offering a nugget of wisdom. You feel somewhat uplifted, no matter how bleak the situation. He's admired, respected, and somewhat absent (my Poseidon lives in Canada... but he might as well live under the sea for how much we see each other). People mean well, I've learned. And those close to me know that right now, I need to cry and just not say anything... and they just need to listen... or be there and not pester me for more information. Which is partially why I've been silent mostly this past week processing information in my head, because I don't want tumult of inquiries, when I don't know how to answer them. So I you've reached out to me and I haven't responded, please don't take it personally.
It makes me angry that I don't have the answers. It makes me angry that I can't cure this. I'm pissed I have to suffer from this disease. I'm pissed that all my efforts seem in vain. I'm furious that I can't control the progression of this disease. I am sort of see-sawing between sadness and anger right now. I have moments of hopelessness and sadness over this new diagnosis. Then I get really effing pissed. I'm livid. Why did this have to happen to me? Why are my intestines being so mean to me when I've only been good to them? I don't eat wheat, I eat limited dairy, very little sugar, no processed foods, I try to eat organic. I run, do yoga, try to get adequate rest. It all seems for naught. All my vigilance and discipline and research and commitment. It seems almost empty now. I'm so effing pissed.
And I'm also currently in a flare. The first one I've had in about 3.5 years. I don't really want to talk much about that.
This isn't really the best time of the year for me to be so angry so I am mentally challenging myself to remember these positive things:
1) My diet and exercise regime have actually made me a better person, largely controlled my symptoms, gave me daily goals, more energy and a killer bod ;)
2) The only good news I received last week after my colonoscopy is that my Ulcerative Colitis actually looked much better than the last colonoscopy I had done. That truly is wonderful news. I was pleased to hear that.
3) I have a positive/cup half full/supportive husband. And a rockstar family. And a cute fat ginger toddler.
What I'm processing and pondering:
1) Doc wants me back on meds. Questions are... will medicine stop or significantly slow down the progression of my disease? or simply control symptoms?
2) What other options are there than biologics? Biologics suppress your immune system and increase your risk for cancer, in addition to the laundry list of side effects I had the pleasure of experiencing already.
3) If you dare suggest I get back on prednisone, I will strangle you. (that's just a statement, not a question, but I wanted to put it out there....#fuhgetaboutit)
4) How long do I have before I am completely encompassed in this disease and have to lose some of my intestines? Or can that be avoided entirely? Which brings me to
5) Kill me before I have to get a colostomy bag.
6) I hope this isn't hereditary.
Thursday, December 11, 2014
Tuesday, November 25, 2014
I hate colonoscopies
The hour is drawing near.
That sounds ominous but I feel a bit ominous as I have a colonoscopy next week. Last year, my gastroenterologist agreed to give me one more year to have a colonoscopy since I was doing well and not having flares or symptoms of my ulcerative colitis. Well, as much as I've wanted to hide, that year has arrived and the DR office sent a letter reminding me to set up a time to come in for the lovely procedure. I chucked that letter in the trash. Then another one came a month letter with a handwritten note from my DR himself....and signed it with his first name. If that doesn't tell you he's serious, then I don't know what does. I begrudgingly called and set up a time to get the procedure done.
Now....what's a little nerve-wracking (other than drinking that nasty stuff that makes you get the runs for several hours to clean you out... and not being able to eat for HOURS....and having a scope up your ass) is that this is the first colonoscopy I have had while not being on a medication. This will truly be a testament whether or not my gluten-free and largely paleo diet is, in fact, effective. I'm also nervous because I know my buddy, Lee (GI doc), will want to talk with me about my refusal to take the drugs he's prescribed for 'maintenance'. He's very pro drugs and has more than once told me not to even mess with holistic healing. Having said that, I feel he does care about me and my well-being. He has worked diligently with me for the past 4+ years to get me to a point where I wasn't doubling over from abdominal pain, and having so much blood in my stool that I became anemic. Luckily, that period only lasted that first year that I was diagnosed with Ulcerative Colitis. Since then I haven't had a flare or severe symptoms. Only occasional and insignificant symptoms that usually happen after I've consumed gluten or refined sugar.
When you know better, you do better. And I'm hoping this colonoscopy will show my GI that I know what I'm doing..... or perhaps it will prove the opposite.
To be continued after December 4th.
That sounds ominous but I feel a bit ominous as I have a colonoscopy next week. Last year, my gastroenterologist agreed to give me one more year to have a colonoscopy since I was doing well and not having flares or symptoms of my ulcerative colitis. Well, as much as I've wanted to hide, that year has arrived and the DR office sent a letter reminding me to set up a time to come in for the lovely procedure. I chucked that letter in the trash. Then another one came a month letter with a handwritten note from my DR himself....and signed it with his first name. If that doesn't tell you he's serious, then I don't know what does. I begrudgingly called and set up a time to get the procedure done.
Now....what's a little nerve-wracking (other than drinking that nasty stuff that makes you get the runs for several hours to clean you out... and not being able to eat for HOURS....and having a scope up your ass) is that this is the first colonoscopy I have had while not being on a medication. This will truly be a testament whether or not my gluten-free and largely paleo diet is, in fact, effective. I'm also nervous because I know my buddy, Lee (GI doc), will want to talk with me about my refusal to take the drugs he's prescribed for 'maintenance'. He's very pro drugs and has more than once told me not to even mess with holistic healing. Having said that, I feel he does care about me and my well-being. He has worked diligently with me for the past 4+ years to get me to a point where I wasn't doubling over from abdominal pain, and having so much blood in my stool that I became anemic. Luckily, that period only lasted that first year that I was diagnosed with Ulcerative Colitis. Since then I haven't had a flare or severe symptoms. Only occasional and insignificant symptoms that usually happen after I've consumed gluten or refined sugar.
When you know better, you do better. And I'm hoping this colonoscopy will show my GI that I know what I'm doing..... or perhaps it will prove the opposite.
To be continued after December 4th.
Monday, October 13, 2014
Mom is Gandalf
For those that may have been interested or following my journey to health - here's my status update. I have been medication free since March 2014. That's 7 months, people! No chemotherapy, no anti depressant, no anti anxiety, no sleeping pills, no steroids, no suppositories, nada.
NO FLARES.
But this doesn't mean I'm in the clear. It doesn't mean I can stop the regime I am doing. It doesn't mean I can 'ease up a bit' on my strict diet. On the contrary, I must stay the course.
Like many of my life choices, my decisions aren't necessarily understood; as a result, I find myself sort of hiding my decisions. I didn't necessarily go around telling my co-workers, friends, or family that I got off my medication that helped me achieve remission after over a year of horrible pain, bloody stools, and frequent trips to the emergency room and Mayo. That's because I still live with the fear that I may flare again and I don't want to hear 'I told you so'. Because I fear flaring, I treat my diet and exercise like a religion. I rarely stray, and when I do, I feel a lot of guilt. I recently had a 'fun size' candy bar and the guilt I felt after it perhaps made it not worth how delicious it was! I'm not saying you shouldn't treat yourself every once in a while, but when you fear one food triggering a domino effect of symptoms, you find yourself acknowledging processed, sugary foods as poison itself.
In addition to running, I've started implementing circuit training and the practice of yoga. I don't have a gym membership. I intend to run outside until the snow falls. I take screen shots of Instagram fitness accounts' photos that show you different circuit workouts and have found them to be very effective. And I have several yoga DVDs at home. I still have to give myself pep talks, though, to work out....every time. Once I get going, I am fine, but I drag my feet to get around to it. And I think that's pretty normal.
But, primarily, abs are made in the kitchen. And I don't say that lightly! I used to work out quite frequently before I had Oliver. I did running, weight training, yoga, circuits, aerobics. I was probably at the gym 3-4 times a week. But I wouldn't say I was necessarily in peak physical condition, or really felt great. This is because I was drinking pop, eating junk food, and of course, those evil evil grains and processed sugars. Since eliminating these things and getting back to our Neanderthal roots, I've found that eating Paleo enhances and prepares my body for physical activity. I don't feel heavy or weighed down while running. I don't feel like I'm going to barf after doing a few rounds of a circuit. I'm so proud of myself and my body! It's honing into a lean, muscular temple. I don't feel ashamed saying that because it's true and I worked my ass off (literally) to get to this point. I love looking in the mirror and smiling because my reflection is saying "you go, girl! You proved you medical 'professionals', yourself, and all the haters wrong!" I don't know if I necessarily have haters, but those of you who are lurking in the corner, waiting for me to relapse...you're a hater. Go away.
Don't be ignorant or dormant; be proactive! I challenge YOU to give this a try. Walk a month in my shoes and see how amazing the results are. Do your research and really look into what you are putting in your body. The results may scare you. I learn lots of new things in the kitchen while I do my continued research of a Paleo lifestyle. I can't tell you how important it is to continue to educate yourself. When you know better, you do better. I know better than to trust big corporations, pharmaceuticals, and the FDA. I put my trust in what God provided on planet Earth is what's truly needed for a healthy species. I'm not saying there aren't purposes for modern medicine, but they should not be taken without a second thought. Herbs, clean eating, and exercise have been my 'medicine'. And I'm thankful I had the common sense to look further into it. And doesn't that really make more sense to be nutritious, rather than popping a pill to mask the real problem? I really wish, as a society, that we could get away from treating symptoms, and instead promoting healthy living. But I'd say that's wishful thinking at this point in our society.
I am thankful for my select family and friends who have respected my decision to be free of drugs. I am truly indebted to the leaf lady. And I am forever happy for my mama, who always encourages and challenges me to be a better person, do my research, and be my recipe-sharing confidant. Without her, my quest wouldn't have even begun. I'd be Bilbo Baggins in Bag End, living blissfully unaware in the Shire. I guess in this case, mom would be Gandalf. I like Gandalf. :)
NO FLARES.
But this doesn't mean I'm in the clear. It doesn't mean I can stop the regime I am doing. It doesn't mean I can 'ease up a bit' on my strict diet. On the contrary, I must stay the course.
Like many of my life choices, my decisions aren't necessarily understood; as a result, I find myself sort of hiding my decisions. I didn't necessarily go around telling my co-workers, friends, or family that I got off my medication that helped me achieve remission after over a year of horrible pain, bloody stools, and frequent trips to the emergency room and Mayo. That's because I still live with the fear that I may flare again and I don't want to hear 'I told you so'. Because I fear flaring, I treat my diet and exercise like a religion. I rarely stray, and when I do, I feel a lot of guilt. I recently had a 'fun size' candy bar and the guilt I felt after it perhaps made it not worth how delicious it was! I'm not saying you shouldn't treat yourself every once in a while, but when you fear one food triggering a domino effect of symptoms, you find yourself acknowledging processed, sugary foods as poison itself.
In addition to running, I've started implementing circuit training and the practice of yoga. I don't have a gym membership. I intend to run outside until the snow falls. I take screen shots of Instagram fitness accounts' photos that show you different circuit workouts and have found them to be very effective. And I have several yoga DVDs at home. I still have to give myself pep talks, though, to work out....every time. Once I get going, I am fine, but I drag my feet to get around to it. And I think that's pretty normal.
But, primarily, abs are made in the kitchen. And I don't say that lightly! I used to work out quite frequently before I had Oliver. I did running, weight training, yoga, circuits, aerobics. I was probably at the gym 3-4 times a week. But I wouldn't say I was necessarily in peak physical condition, or really felt great. This is because I was drinking pop, eating junk food, and of course, those evil evil grains and processed sugars. Since eliminating these things and getting back to our Neanderthal roots, I've found that eating Paleo enhances and prepares my body for physical activity. I don't feel heavy or weighed down while running. I don't feel like I'm going to barf after doing a few rounds of a circuit. I'm so proud of myself and my body! It's honing into a lean, muscular temple. I don't feel ashamed saying that because it's true and I worked my ass off (literally) to get to this point. I love looking in the mirror and smiling because my reflection is saying "you go, girl! You proved you medical 'professionals', yourself, and all the haters wrong!" I don't know if I necessarily have haters, but those of you who are lurking in the corner, waiting for me to relapse...you're a hater. Go away.
Don't be ignorant or dormant; be proactive! I challenge YOU to give this a try. Walk a month in my shoes and see how amazing the results are. Do your research and really look into what you are putting in your body. The results may scare you. I learn lots of new things in the kitchen while I do my continued research of a Paleo lifestyle. I can't tell you how important it is to continue to educate yourself. When you know better, you do better. I know better than to trust big corporations, pharmaceuticals, and the FDA. I put my trust in what God provided on planet Earth is what's truly needed for a healthy species. I'm not saying there aren't purposes for modern medicine, but they should not be taken without a second thought. Herbs, clean eating, and exercise have been my 'medicine'. And I'm thankful I had the common sense to look further into it. And doesn't that really make more sense to be nutritious, rather than popping a pill to mask the real problem? I really wish, as a society, that we could get away from treating symptoms, and instead promoting healthy living. But I'd say that's wishful thinking at this point in our society.
I am thankful for my select family and friends who have respected my decision to be free of drugs. I am truly indebted to the leaf lady. And I am forever happy for my mama, who always encourages and challenges me to be a better person, do my research, and be my recipe-sharing confidant. Without her, my quest wouldn't have even begun. I'd be Bilbo Baggins in Bag End, living blissfully unaware in the Shire. I guess in this case, mom would be Gandalf. I like Gandalf. :)
Monday, September 22, 2014
In Middle School again...??...
Recently, I started volunteering as a coach and mentor for a program at the local school called Girls on Track or Girls on the Run. It's an after school program that encourages and uplifts young girls by instilling self-confidence, promoting healthy lifestyles, and aiding in the daily struggles they face, such as bullying, negativity, and eating disorders. I've found it to be empowering for me as a coach and also a learning experience. Currently, I am assisting with Girls on Track, which is for middle school girls. I listen to what these girls go through at school and their home life and I leave them feeling sad. I leave them thinking 'man, I'm so glad I was home-schooled in middle school'. I leave them feeling helpless. The main contributors to their struggles? Peers and parents. I suppose it's to be expected that their peers would be part of their distress. Girls fight, cat fight, passive aggressive fight, play the silent game, pick sides, bully, manipulate. But parents? I've heard at least half of these girls admit that they never see their parents, they feel like their parents don't care, and that they feel their parents love their siblings more than the them. I feel bad for these girls. I feel bad that their parents are always gone, always playing video games, never come to their activities, dote on their baby brother, feed them Doritos for supper, etc. It makes me mad at these parents and I don't know what to tell these girls, other than, your parents are being lazy pieces of crap and I'm sorry.
But what may be just as disturbing is that the emotions they are going through as middle schoolers truly isn't much different than emotions I go through as a grown woman.
Disappointment
I'm disappointed in how hard it still is to maintain a friendship. I'm disappointed that as women, we still can't learn to support each other despite our differences of opinion and choices we make in our lives. While middle school friendships may be on a rocky path due to Susie talking to Julie, even though the rest of her friends aren't talking to her because she wore an ugly shirt.... Adult friendships become rocky because our lives take a different path. One of them is in a relationship and the other isn't. Or perhaps, one of them had a child and the other person couldn't connect with them anymore. Instead of being supportive, we tear each other down. I had an encounter this weekend where someone belittled one of my proudest and greatest accomplishments. In that moment, I had to decide whether I wanted to argue with this person and make it into a tense he said/she said moment or just let it go. I decided to not say anything because I didn't want to feed into what was likely bait for an argument. But afterwards, I second-guessed my response to the situation and wondered if I should have stuck to my guns and defended my choices. Either way, this person knew how I felt about this situation and decided to poke and prod me. This was uncalled for and negative. My gosh, we are grown women and still doing the same middle school shit we did half a lifetime ago. When will we grow up?
Low Self-confidence and Low Self-esteem
Judas. I'm a fit woman. I eat healthy. I promote healthy living. I love my body! I am confident in my choices as a mother, and as a wife. And yet, I often second-guess my choices. I see 'super moms' and crazy gorgeous women living their 'perfect' lives and think, hmmm, how do they do it all!?! How do they find the time to maintain two full time jobs: a career and being a mom, not to mention being a wife. How can I be more like her? Why do I suck so bad at life?! What did she do to deserve such an awesome life?! Why does it feel like I'm busting my ass every day to 'do it all'?! The self-doubt creeps in and I become resentful and bitter. I hate those women that get 'the good life', that 'are perfect wife and mother'..... where being a wife and role model just looks so damn easy. And, maybe it isn't easy and they're just being fake. But here's me being me. Being a wife is hard when you become a mother. Travis and my one-on-one time took a big cut. It's all about Oliver. But realistically, it has to be about him... mostly. Oliver isn't self-sufficient. He isn't shitting in the pot, cooking his own food, running his own bath water, putting himself to bed. He hasn't mastered driving himself places yet, either. He STILL can't climb up onto furniture! lol. It's pretty comical to watch, actually. I think he's just too 'husky'. Last I checked, Travis can do all those things. And I have to stop being so frickin' hard on myself that I can't be super mom and have a perfect house and 3 course dinners every day when I'm working outside the home. Maybe others are judging me, but I'm judging myself even harder. I need to cut it out.
I want to tell these girls that this petty shit they are facing now will be in the past and that once they're grown up, they won't face this stuff ever again. The truth is, they'll face it every day. Well into adulthood. I want to tell them that middle school is just a phase and once it's over, it's clear sailing. That's bullshit. Instead I have to tell them to build their resolve cuz it ain't gettin' any easier, girlfriend. They'll continue to battle for dying friendships. There will be times when they will feel lost and lonely in a sea of uncaring people. They will feel their confidence shaking and self-doubt rearing its' ugly head. They will question their choices as negativity pokes and prods at their resolve. I want to tell them to hold onto to something they know is good and right and pure. I want to tell them that they are bad-ass. I want to tell them they have so much goodness and beauty and power that nothing will get in their way. I want to tell them I believe in their capacity for becoming strong, capable, independent women.
Girl, I am here for you. Friend, I am here for you. Husband, I am here for you. Son, I am here for you. Family, I am here for you. I'm here to tell you that you matter to someone, somewhere. You have a purpose. You mean everything to someone. You light up someone's world. You fuel someone's fire. You are a good person. You are a meaningful friend, sibling, daughter, child, mentor, woman. Your resolve gives me strength. Your belief in something truly unshakeable and pure gives me hope. Thank you for taking the world on your shoulders. Thank you for being you. And thank you for reminding me to love and congratulate ME. I'm awesome and I needed to hear that. Now go be awesome!
But what may be just as disturbing is that the emotions they are going through as middle schoolers truly isn't much different than emotions I go through as a grown woman.
Disappointment
I'm disappointed in how hard it still is to maintain a friendship. I'm disappointed that as women, we still can't learn to support each other despite our differences of opinion and choices we make in our lives. While middle school friendships may be on a rocky path due to Susie talking to Julie, even though the rest of her friends aren't talking to her because she wore an ugly shirt.... Adult friendships become rocky because our lives take a different path. One of them is in a relationship and the other isn't. Or perhaps, one of them had a child and the other person couldn't connect with them anymore. Instead of being supportive, we tear each other down. I had an encounter this weekend where someone belittled one of my proudest and greatest accomplishments. In that moment, I had to decide whether I wanted to argue with this person and make it into a tense he said/she said moment or just let it go. I decided to not say anything because I didn't want to feed into what was likely bait for an argument. But afterwards, I second-guessed my response to the situation and wondered if I should have stuck to my guns and defended my choices. Either way, this person knew how I felt about this situation and decided to poke and prod me. This was uncalled for and negative. My gosh, we are grown women and still doing the same middle school shit we did half a lifetime ago. When will we grow up?
Low Self-confidence and Low Self-esteem
Judas. I'm a fit woman. I eat healthy. I promote healthy living. I love my body! I am confident in my choices as a mother, and as a wife. And yet, I often second-guess my choices. I see 'super moms' and crazy gorgeous women living their 'perfect' lives and think, hmmm, how do they do it all!?! How do they find the time to maintain two full time jobs: a career and being a mom, not to mention being a wife. How can I be more like her? Why do I suck so bad at life?! What did she do to deserve such an awesome life?! Why does it feel like I'm busting my ass every day to 'do it all'?! The self-doubt creeps in and I become resentful and bitter. I hate those women that get 'the good life', that 'are perfect wife and mother'..... where being a wife and role model just looks so damn easy. And, maybe it isn't easy and they're just being fake. But here's me being me. Being a wife is hard when you become a mother. Travis and my one-on-one time took a big cut. It's all about Oliver. But realistically, it has to be about him... mostly. Oliver isn't self-sufficient. He isn't shitting in the pot, cooking his own food, running his own bath water, putting himself to bed. He hasn't mastered driving himself places yet, either. He STILL can't climb up onto furniture! lol. It's pretty comical to watch, actually. I think he's just too 'husky'. Last I checked, Travis can do all those things. And I have to stop being so frickin' hard on myself that I can't be super mom and have a perfect house and 3 course dinners every day when I'm working outside the home. Maybe others are judging me, but I'm judging myself even harder. I need to cut it out.
I want to tell these girls that this petty shit they are facing now will be in the past and that once they're grown up, they won't face this stuff ever again. The truth is, they'll face it every day. Well into adulthood. I want to tell them that middle school is just a phase and once it's over, it's clear sailing. That's bullshit. Instead I have to tell them to build their resolve cuz it ain't gettin' any easier, girlfriend. They'll continue to battle for dying friendships. There will be times when they will feel lost and lonely in a sea of uncaring people. They will feel their confidence shaking and self-doubt rearing its' ugly head. They will question their choices as negativity pokes and prods at their resolve. I want to tell them to hold onto to something they know is good and right and pure. I want to tell them that they are bad-ass. I want to tell them they have so much goodness and beauty and power that nothing will get in their way. I want to tell them I believe in their capacity for becoming strong, capable, independent women.
Girl, I am here for you. Friend, I am here for you. Husband, I am here for you. Son, I am here for you. Family, I am here for you. I'm here to tell you that you matter to someone, somewhere. You have a purpose. You mean everything to someone. You light up someone's world. You fuel someone's fire. You are a good person. You are a meaningful friend, sibling, daughter, child, mentor, woman. Your resolve gives me strength. Your belief in something truly unshakeable and pure gives me hope. Thank you for taking the world on your shoulders. Thank you for being you. And thank you for reminding me to love and congratulate ME. I'm awesome and I needed to hear that. Now go be awesome!
Monday, August 18, 2014
PPD This shit is REAL
I'm almost two years out.... I had my kid almost TWO YEARS AGO. And it's taken me until fairly recent to realize that I had postpartum depression and still may have traces of it.... and that's OK.
It wasn't until I took a step back and saw how different things were in my life and how I wasn't sure I was 'ok' with these changes that made me realize I am still struggling with my post partum lifestyle change.
I want to be clear that I don't regret getting pregnant and having Oliver. He is my joy, my steadfast light, my pride. I can't imagine life without him. And yet, having him, brought a tumult of emotions and raw new feelings I'd never experienced and makes me shudder to think of re-living those.
My Body
My body went through some serious shit creating Mr. O. In the first trimester alone, I lost 15 pounds. I barely made it to work. There were many days I could hardly lift my head or turn over in bed without retching into a trash can. I had several visits to the hospital for IV fluids. I wanted to die. There were many moments I truly would have rather died than wake up and suffer through another day. Not to mention the hormones that are catapulting through your system. Pregnancy is supposed to be a happy, glowing time and I found myself resenting the child inside of me for slowly ruining my esophogus, my career, my relationships, my emotions. I resented pregnancy. I resented my husband for not truly being able to understand my turmoil. He was so helpless. There was nothing he could do. I resented other pregnant women who had 'easy breezy' pregnancies. I resented their doting and knowing husbands. I resented their ease of being a stay at home mom or wife and not having to worry about keeping their job to pay bills. I resented them going to their jobs and being able to carry on other than occasional swollen ankles. I resented that they didn't have to run to the bathroom while trying to catch acidic vomit pouring down their clothes. I resented it all.
The Birth Itself
As you can imagine, when my OB agreed to do an elective induction at my EDD, I was beyond thrilled. Who wouldn't want this hellish experience over?! Looking back, that wasn't a sound decision but it's done now and I can't change it. That's not to say I had a traumatic birth experience. Indeed, it went all 'according to plan'. I delivered within the time frame that the OB would expect me to. Oliver was a very healthy baby and I didn't have any major medical issues. But because Oliver wasn't allowed to progress in the natural way God intended, I believe my emotional state wasn't able to prepare for Oliver's arrival.
The Arrival
When Oliver did arrive, I was just finishing up retching into one of those lovely blue hospital barf bags. Once he announced his arrival, my nausea vanished. And in those few moments, I had to transfer from sickly exhausted pregnant lady to mother. I had to step up and do my duties: feed, burp, change diapers, care for my completely dependent wrinkly, red child. A laundry list of responsibilities greeted me as I wiped the vomit off my face and readied myself for motherhood. And while these responsibilities were daunting, I had prepared as best I could. However, one cannot prepare for the emotions you will have to process, nor the physical healing process of your very first vaginal birth. The midwife that delivered Oliver did a wonderful job (according to my mom, who was pretty much right beside her), she stretched and prepared me, helped Oliver ease out, etc. But, having never delivered a bowling ball out of my nostril before, that first delivery is going to leave your lady bits messed up. Especially if you have a larger baby. Oliver was 8'5" and I know women deliver much larger, but I'm going to go ahead and assume that delivering a 5-6 pound baby would be less grevious than 8+. When the epidural wore off and I started to really feel that pain, I was completely miserable. Nothing would make it feel better. Baths and showers stung, going to the bathroom was terror-inducing, sitting down on a hard surface was excrutiating. Don't even get me going on post-partum sex.
At Home
If you read my post about breastfeeding, you'd know that it was a really rough start. Add that to everything else I just mentioned and I was in a sorry state. In addition, there is no time to sort through these emotions as the only time you have is consumed by caring for your precious bundle. I had no time to process my thoughts, emotions, and relief and no longer being sickly. Pregnancy was like having a chronic illness and I 'miraculously recovered' but instead of being relieved or rejoicing, I had a whole new basket case of maladies.
My relationship with my spouse suffered big time with the start of this and it is still slowly on the mend. There are many days I just can't sift through all my feelings, mental and physical. I still struggle with both. My 2nd degree tear didn't heal well and I have to deal with that for the rest of my life. That shit's depressing.
You can't expect a child will magically fit into your fabulous freshly-or-seasoned married life. Your child will define your new life. And boy, what a life. I am so blessed. I am blessed by an ever-understanding and patient husband who would go to the moon and back for me and love me with every breath he takes until we return to the dust. I am blessed by my beautiful baby boy who has made me a better person, better wife, daughter, sister. He is the glue to my chaotic existence.
So as the bassinet gets booted out of the house, infant toys and baby equipment go into storage, and my breastpump collects dust, I feel such a tremendous relief that we SURVIVED it. It made me realize that I was trying to pass off my struggles as 'normal' and I kept a lot of my feelings in. I didn't want to appear weak or unable to care for myself or my child or my family. It was a rough couple years. This is the part that pastors refer to '.....in bad times' in wedding vows. Thank God as humans we are given a certain resilience.
I'm aware many people don't understand depression (post partum or otherwise), and that's because they never suffered it or witnessed someone close to them suffer through it, but that doesn't mean it doesn't exist. And it certainly doesn't mean you have the right to judge; we merely wish for support.
I'm almost two years out and sometimes my life is a mess but I can truthfully look around and say 'what a beautiful mess'.
It wasn't until I took a step back and saw how different things were in my life and how I wasn't sure I was 'ok' with these changes that made me realize I am still struggling with my post partum lifestyle change.
I want to be clear that I don't regret getting pregnant and having Oliver. He is my joy, my steadfast light, my pride. I can't imagine life without him. And yet, having him, brought a tumult of emotions and raw new feelings I'd never experienced and makes me shudder to think of re-living those.
My Body
My body went through some serious shit creating Mr. O. In the first trimester alone, I lost 15 pounds. I barely made it to work. There were many days I could hardly lift my head or turn over in bed without retching into a trash can. I had several visits to the hospital for IV fluids. I wanted to die. There were many moments I truly would have rather died than wake up and suffer through another day. Not to mention the hormones that are catapulting through your system. Pregnancy is supposed to be a happy, glowing time and I found myself resenting the child inside of me for slowly ruining my esophogus, my career, my relationships, my emotions. I resented pregnancy. I resented my husband for not truly being able to understand my turmoil. He was so helpless. There was nothing he could do. I resented other pregnant women who had 'easy breezy' pregnancies. I resented their doting and knowing husbands. I resented their ease of being a stay at home mom or wife and not having to worry about keeping their job to pay bills. I resented them going to their jobs and being able to carry on other than occasional swollen ankles. I resented that they didn't have to run to the bathroom while trying to catch acidic vomit pouring down their clothes. I resented it all.
The Birth Itself
As you can imagine, when my OB agreed to do an elective induction at my EDD, I was beyond thrilled. Who wouldn't want this hellish experience over?! Looking back, that wasn't a sound decision but it's done now and I can't change it. That's not to say I had a traumatic birth experience. Indeed, it went all 'according to plan'. I delivered within the time frame that the OB would expect me to. Oliver was a very healthy baby and I didn't have any major medical issues. But because Oliver wasn't allowed to progress in the natural way God intended, I believe my emotional state wasn't able to prepare for Oliver's arrival.
The Arrival
When Oliver did arrive, I was just finishing up retching into one of those lovely blue hospital barf bags. Once he announced his arrival, my nausea vanished. And in those few moments, I had to transfer from sickly exhausted pregnant lady to mother. I had to step up and do my duties: feed, burp, change diapers, care for my completely dependent wrinkly, red child. A laundry list of responsibilities greeted me as I wiped the vomit off my face and readied myself for motherhood. And while these responsibilities were daunting, I had prepared as best I could. However, one cannot prepare for the emotions you will have to process, nor the physical healing process of your very first vaginal birth. The midwife that delivered Oliver did a wonderful job (according to my mom, who was pretty much right beside her), she stretched and prepared me, helped Oliver ease out, etc. But, having never delivered a bowling ball out of my nostril before, that first delivery is going to leave your lady bits messed up. Especially if you have a larger baby. Oliver was 8'5" and I know women deliver much larger, but I'm going to go ahead and assume that delivering a 5-6 pound baby would be less grevious than 8+. When the epidural wore off and I started to really feel that pain, I was completely miserable. Nothing would make it feel better. Baths and showers stung, going to the bathroom was terror-inducing, sitting down on a hard surface was excrutiating. Don't even get me going on post-partum sex.
At Home
If you read my post about breastfeeding, you'd know that it was a really rough start. Add that to everything else I just mentioned and I was in a sorry state. In addition, there is no time to sort through these emotions as the only time you have is consumed by caring for your precious bundle. I had no time to process my thoughts, emotions, and relief and no longer being sickly. Pregnancy was like having a chronic illness and I 'miraculously recovered' but instead of being relieved or rejoicing, I had a whole new basket case of maladies.
My relationship with my spouse suffered big time with the start of this and it is still slowly on the mend. There are many days I just can't sift through all my feelings, mental and physical. I still struggle with both. My 2nd degree tear didn't heal well and I have to deal with that for the rest of my life. That shit's depressing.
You can't expect a child will magically fit into your fabulous freshly-or-seasoned married life. Your child will define your new life. And boy, what a life. I am so blessed. I am blessed by an ever-understanding and patient husband who would go to the moon and back for me and love me with every breath he takes until we return to the dust. I am blessed by my beautiful baby boy who has made me a better person, better wife, daughter, sister. He is the glue to my chaotic existence.
So as the bassinet gets booted out of the house, infant toys and baby equipment go into storage, and my breastpump collects dust, I feel such a tremendous relief that we SURVIVED it. It made me realize that I was trying to pass off my struggles as 'normal' and I kept a lot of my feelings in. I didn't want to appear weak or unable to care for myself or my child or my family. It was a rough couple years. This is the part that pastors refer to '.....in bad times' in wedding vows. Thank God as humans we are given a certain resilience.
I'm aware many people don't understand depression (post partum or otherwise), and that's because they never suffered it or witnessed someone close to them suffer through it, but that doesn't mean it doesn't exist. And it certainly doesn't mean you have the right to judge; we merely wish for support.
I'm almost two years out and sometimes my life is a mess but I can truthfully look around and say 'what a beautiful mess'.
Tuesday, July 29, 2014
PALEO: How I do it and Why I love it
Paleo has become a passion of mine. If you follow me on Instagram @jessicamooch , Twitter @jessicamooch or Facebook, undoubtedly you've seen my somewhat obsessive, albeit excited posts and pics relating to eating paleo. The reason I post these photos and tweet is because I want others to know how ridiculously easy it is to eat paleo and more importantly, how super healthy it is for you.
Disclaimer: This was not something I did overnight. And, although I state it's easy, that doesn't mean I don't have struggles with this life choice. I can also assure you that Travis does NOT like paleo as he is a lover of bread and pasta. I'm trying to get him over to the dark side.... muahahahaha.
HOW I DO IT
I'll start this off with a confession. I drink coffee with *gasp* creamer, French vanilla to be exact. Lord, how would I start the day any other way? 1-2 cups and no caffeine after 10 am. Coffee creamer is NOT paleo, but I never said I followed it religiously. I'd say I'm more 80/20. For breakfast, I usually eat oatmeal with chia seeds (superfood!), or fruit. By mid-morning, I get the munchies so I eat one of my coconut butter melts or more fruit. I've found being prepared helps tremendously to keep one from visiting the vending machine for junk food. Coconut butter melts are basically coconut butter (the meat and oils of coconut pureed into a butter consistency), then I usually add raw local honey, chia seeds, and either fruit or chocolate vegan protein powder. Place into molds in the fridge, and your hunger is satiated in a couple bites, plus, it's paleo and SUPER yummy. I keep those at work. I also keep a baggie of nuts or dried fruit or my homemade fruit leather or fruit roll ups. Hint: If someone wants to get me a gift, I'd like a food dehydrater.
Lunch time. Once again, being prepared. If I don't bring leftovers or food for lunch, I'm screwed. I've started taking a gallon size baggie of spinach or kale to work in the event I do get hungry throughout the day or my lunch wasn't enough. Lifesaver!
Supper, I haven't altered too much at home. Except if I cook with pasta, I get the gluten free kind (not paleo, but better than wheat or whole grains), and if there's bread, I just don't eat it. We eat lots of fresh veggies from the garden or farmer's market or grandma's garden. And I feel ZERO guilt eating a huge, juicy, bloody steak or having 2nd or 3rd helpings as long as it's meat or veggies.
Snacks for me are fruit or yogurt (not paleo), protein shakes or fruit smoothies. Oliver also LOVES my smoothie concoctions and any Annie's organic snacks - the Cheddar Bunnies, the fruit snacks, the knock off teddy grahams, and above all, he LIVES for Annie's organic mac-n-cheese (fortunately, I can get a variety pack of 12 boxes at Costco for a deal!)
Paleo, for me, is about making careful nutritious choices. Or, a lesser of the evils choice. For example, Oliver loves hot dogs, like any kid. When we get hot dots, I buy turkey franks. I also try to buy organic, grass fed meats. (Travis wasn't too keen on the idea of me having chickens in the yard.... party pooper). For you boozers out there *nervously looks away*, most wines are gluten free and there are some apple ales/hard cider that are gluten free (less of the evils). Avoid summer shandy's, wheat beers, blue moon, and dark alcohol. If you're gonna have the hard stuff, go with clear liquids, like vodka, gin, tequila (the clear one....is it silver??).
Now, the backbone to my paleo transformation comes from replacing basics from my cupboards. Toss out your white flour, distilled white sugar, cornstarch, and margarine. In their place, have gluten free flour (made from flax seed meal, quinoa, etc), organic cane sugar, arrowroot powder, coconut oil, organic butter or ghee. Finally, destroy all FOOD DYES!!!!
WHY I LOVE IT
Can you imagine never feeling bloated, lethargic, and/or weighed down? I knew that gluten was 'bad' and I knew certain foods made me feel shitty, but being able to narrow it down to wheat and grains and sugar was eye-opening. I read through many cook books, blogs, and studies, but finally found a 'hard facts', historical evidence, light-bulb-turning-on book to fully understand what I was about to undergo....The Paleo Manifesto.
It gives the scientific and historical background of the paleo lifestyle or "caveman diet". Genetically, our bodies are designed to eat meat, fruits, veggies, and nuts - essentially what nature provides or grows. NOT grains and processed food and sugars. The early humans lived off the land and what nature provided. When the agricultural boom started and grains were planted and introduced, scientists discovered that the skeletal remains of the humans after this monumental point in history actually had far worse dental decay, brittle bones, and died young largely from chronic inflammatory diseases. Those of the 'cavemen' had strong bones, little to no decay in their teeth, and minimal indication of disease, and were actually significantly taller. Unfortunately, for our early ancestors, their issue wasn't their diet, it was survival of the fittest against beasts and other mammals as well as natural elements. Paleo is what our bodies were meant to do/eat/live. Yes, we evolve, as science shows millennia after millennia, but what grains and gluten and processed sugar have done for the human digestive system is appalling and inflammatory!
Try a month of paleo or 'mostly paleo', heck! try 2 weeks! I challenge you.... I double dog dare you! This is nutrition and general well-being. I don't count points or calories. I don't step on a scale every day. I don't get measurements.
So forgive my obnoxious #paleo posts and indulge me my joy toward being the healthy woman God created me to be.
.JPG)
Disclaimer: This was not something I did overnight. And, although I state it's easy, that doesn't mean I don't have struggles with this life choice. I can also assure you that Travis does NOT like paleo as he is a lover of bread and pasta. I'm trying to get him over to the dark side.... muahahahaha.
HOW I DO IT
I'll start this off with a confession. I drink coffee with *gasp* creamer, French vanilla to be exact. Lord, how would I start the day any other way? 1-2 cups and no caffeine after 10 am. Coffee creamer is NOT paleo, but I never said I followed it religiously. I'd say I'm more 80/20. For breakfast, I usually eat oatmeal with chia seeds (superfood!), or fruit. By mid-morning, I get the munchies so I eat one of my coconut butter melts or more fruit. I've found being prepared helps tremendously to keep one from visiting the vending machine for junk food. Coconut butter melts are basically coconut butter (the meat and oils of coconut pureed into a butter consistency), then I usually add raw local honey, chia seeds, and either fruit or chocolate vegan protein powder. Place into molds in the fridge, and your hunger is satiated in a couple bites, plus, it's paleo and SUPER yummy. I keep those at work. I also keep a baggie of nuts or dried fruit or my homemade fruit leather or fruit roll ups. Hint: If someone wants to get me a gift, I'd like a food dehydrater.
 |
| Strawberry and peach fruit roll ups - sweetened with raw local honey |
Lunch time. Once again, being prepared. If I don't bring leftovers or food for lunch, I'm screwed. I've started taking a gallon size baggie of spinach or kale to work in the event I do get hungry throughout the day or my lunch wasn't enough. Lifesaver!
.JPG) |
| This Amazon coconut water is, by far, the BEST coconut water on earth!! |
Supper, I haven't altered too much at home. Except if I cook with pasta, I get the gluten free kind (not paleo, but better than wheat or whole grains), and if there's bread, I just don't eat it. We eat lots of fresh veggies from the garden or farmer's market or grandma's garden. And I feel ZERO guilt eating a huge, juicy, bloody steak or having 2nd or 3rd helpings as long as it's meat or veggies.
Snacks for me are fruit or yogurt (not paleo), protein shakes or fruit smoothies. Oliver also LOVES my smoothie concoctions and any Annie's organic snacks - the Cheddar Bunnies, the fruit snacks, the knock off teddy grahams, and above all, he LIVES for Annie's organic mac-n-cheese (fortunately, I can get a variety pack of 12 boxes at Costco for a deal!)
.JPG) |
| This blend was two bananas, ice, almond butter, almond milk, and egg white protein powder. Stay away from soy and whey!!! (hey! that rhymed! :P) |
Paleo, for me, is about making careful nutritious choices. Or, a lesser of the evils choice. For example, Oliver loves hot dogs, like any kid. When we get hot dots, I buy turkey franks. I also try to buy organic, grass fed meats. (Travis wasn't too keen on the idea of me having chickens in the yard.... party pooper). For you boozers out there *nervously looks away*, most wines are gluten free and there are some apple ales/hard cider that are gluten free (less of the evils). Avoid summer shandy's, wheat beers, blue moon, and dark alcohol. If you're gonna have the hard stuff, go with clear liquids, like vodka, gin, tequila (the clear one....is it silver??).
Now, the backbone to my paleo transformation comes from replacing basics from my cupboards. Toss out your white flour, distilled white sugar, cornstarch, and margarine. In their place, have gluten free flour (made from flax seed meal, quinoa, etc), organic cane sugar, arrowroot powder, coconut oil, organic butter or ghee. Finally, destroy all FOOD DYES!!!!
WHY I LOVE IT
Can you imagine never feeling bloated, lethargic, and/or weighed down? I knew that gluten was 'bad' and I knew certain foods made me feel shitty, but being able to narrow it down to wheat and grains and sugar was eye-opening. I read through many cook books, blogs, and studies, but finally found a 'hard facts', historical evidence, light-bulb-turning-on book to fully understand what I was about to undergo....The Paleo Manifesto.
Try a month of paleo or 'mostly paleo', heck! try 2 weeks! I challenge you.... I double dog dare you! This is nutrition and general well-being. I don't count points or calories. I don't step on a scale every day. I don't get measurements.
So forgive my obnoxious #paleo posts and indulge me my joy toward being the healthy woman God created me to be.
Tuesday, July 8, 2014
Sleep woes and tattoos
Things are ... quiet. Meaning my body is functioning properly. I have had no flares, discomfort, diarrhea, constipation, bleeding, nothing. I have regular BM's (as mom calls them). My last Remicade IV infusion was March 2014. Since about that time, I have also been free from other medications. That's 4 months without prescribed medications! I haven't been free from medication in probably almost 10 years. It's liberating and a little scary.
I will say this, I still struggle sleeping. The reason I loved Ambien SO MUCH is because that shit works. I could drink an espresso at 9pm, take 10 mg of Ambien, and i'd be snoozing within 20 minutes. Now? Well, despite the couple of herbs and holistic/homeopathic measures I have tried, I still struggle to fall asleep and stay asleep. I'm probably getting 6 hours average a night, which is terrible for so many reasons. Ironically, my kid finally starts sleeping 11 hours straight at night and I can't even sleep when he is. That is probably more frustrating than anything. So, I don't want to say that all my endeavors are necessarily a success....yet. But that's ok. I'm not going to give up trying to find something that will work for me. If I could just do an 'on/off' switch for my brain, i'd be the happiest girl alive! That's my problem - I cannot shut my brain off. I lay there and think
"yay! If I fall asleep in the next 30 minutes, I'll get about 7 hours of sleep".....45 minutes later, "crap, I hope I fall asleep soon, I'm only going to get 6 hours if I'm lucky"....goes over agenda for tomorrow .....work stuff.....did Oliver poop today?.....crap, when did I schedule my haircut?.....i wish I had more money.....mo' money mo' problems.....I LOVE my new tattoo.....maybe I should check on Oliver?.....what if he stopped breathing????!!!!????......stop being paranoid, he's fine...........what is Travis DOING downstairs til 12:30?!......probably watching Dr. Who......I should file my nails.....ugh, if i don't fall asleep soon, I'm only going to get 5 hours of sleep......I wonder what my Sanford balance is.....I wish I had more money.......maybe we should get a minivan........I wish Oliver ate better tonight.......He's so cute.....I have the cutest baby ever!!!........why am I still awake??!!.....
I've tried Valerian root, calms forte, teas. I just don't know if I truly have the capability of falling asleep in under 2 hours and getting continuous restful sleep. The only period of time that I was getting decent sleep was when Oliver actually was sleeping through the night and I was taking Ambien. I am now struggling with whether I want to get back on it.
Alluding to my LOVE my tattoo statement, I got a tattoo on Saturday. It says and the sun shone upon her. It's from Lord of the Rings Return of the King. The context of the text is Eowyn, the Elven princess realizes she is in love. At that point, she doesn't want to be a swordslayer anymore. She wants to nurture and love things that grow. The line is “And then her heart changed, or at least she understood it; and the winter passed, and the sun shone upon her.” I felt this was appropriate for me. When Oliver came earth side, something in me changed. I felt a different kind of love. Not necessarily the love I have for Travis, which is expansive and wonderful and almost telepathic. This kind of love was a nurturing love, a fierce protecting type of love. I wanted to provide for him the way God has provided for me by meeting mammal's needs when he created Earth. I wanted to be whole and clean and pure for him and our relationship. I wanted to give him the best breastmilk I could provide. I wanted to give him an optimal beginning. This was Eowyn's enlightening. This is my journey.
Genesis 1:29 - And God said, Behold, I have given you every herb bearing seed, which [is] upon the face of all the earth, and every tree, in the which [is] the fruit of a tree yielding seed; to you it shall be for meat.
Genesis 9:3 - Every moving thing that liveth shall be meat for you; even as the green herb have I given you all things.
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I will say this, I still struggle sleeping. The reason I loved Ambien SO MUCH is because that shit works. I could drink an espresso at 9pm, take 10 mg of Ambien, and i'd be snoozing within 20 minutes. Now? Well, despite the couple of herbs and holistic/homeopathic measures I have tried, I still struggle to fall asleep and stay asleep. I'm probably getting 6 hours average a night, which is terrible for so many reasons. Ironically, my kid finally starts sleeping 11 hours straight at night and I can't even sleep when he is. That is probably more frustrating than anything. So, I don't want to say that all my endeavors are necessarily a success....yet. But that's ok. I'm not going to give up trying to find something that will work for me. If I could just do an 'on/off' switch for my brain, i'd be the happiest girl alive! That's my problem - I cannot shut my brain off. I lay there and think
"yay! If I fall asleep in the next 30 minutes, I'll get about 7 hours of sleep".....45 minutes later, "crap, I hope I fall asleep soon, I'm only going to get 6 hours if I'm lucky"....goes over agenda for tomorrow .....work stuff.....did Oliver poop today?.....crap, when did I schedule my haircut?.....i wish I had more money.....mo' money mo' problems.....I LOVE my new tattoo.....maybe I should check on Oliver?.....what if he stopped breathing????!!!!????......stop being paranoid, he's fine...........what is Travis DOING downstairs til 12:30?!......probably watching Dr. Who......I should file my nails.....ugh, if i don't fall asleep soon, I'm only going to get 5 hours of sleep......I wonder what my Sanford balance is.....I wish I had more money.......maybe we should get a minivan........I wish Oliver ate better tonight.......He's so cute.....I have the cutest baby ever!!!........why am I still awake??!!.....
I've tried Valerian root, calms forte, teas. I just don't know if I truly have the capability of falling asleep in under 2 hours and getting continuous restful sleep. The only period of time that I was getting decent sleep was when Oliver actually was sleeping through the night and I was taking Ambien. I am now struggling with whether I want to get back on it.
Alluding to my LOVE my tattoo statement, I got a tattoo on Saturday. It says and the sun shone upon her. It's from Lord of the Rings Return of the King. The context of the text is Eowyn, the Elven princess realizes she is in love. At that point, she doesn't want to be a swordslayer anymore. She wants to nurture and love things that grow. The line is “And then her heart changed, or at least she understood it; and the winter passed, and the sun shone upon her.” I felt this was appropriate for me. When Oliver came earth side, something in me changed. I felt a different kind of love. Not necessarily the love I have for Travis, which is expansive and wonderful and almost telepathic. This kind of love was a nurturing love, a fierce protecting type of love. I wanted to provide for him the way God has provided for me by meeting mammal's needs when he created Earth. I wanted to be whole and clean and pure for him and our relationship. I wanted to give him the best breastmilk I could provide. I wanted to give him an optimal beginning. This was Eowyn's enlightening. This is my journey.
Genesis 9:3 - Every moving thing that liveth shall be meat for you; even as the green herb have I given you all things.
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