I've been absent for a couple months. Anticipation of this baby has made me a nesting fiend as I've been consuming any of my spare time preparing - getting his/her nursery ready, making freezer meals, buying diapers, attending doctor appointments, etc.
In addition to my pregnancy appointments, I also see my Gastroenterologist quite frequently for my Crohn's and Ulcerative Colitis. It wasn't ever that great throughout the first and second trimester but as the weight of the baby puts more stress on my intestines and especially my colon, my disease has become quite irritable. After discussing with my Gastroenterologist what to do, he still heavily suggested I take Humira. It is a biologic medication that is self-administered with a 'pen', much like an insulin pen. How it works is it blocks certain proteins in your intestines that cause inflammation - it's called a TNF blocker. Most moderate to severe diseases can be controlled through a biologic medication. I had decided to go ahead and start this medication after delivery. The information I could find about breastfeeding and Humira indicated that there were no studies done by the drug manufacturer for safety reasons and also due to how new this drug is, but from what researchers could suggest, the protein molecules are too large to fit through the breast ducts. Today, I actually called the drug manufacturer, who informed me that I need to choose one or the other: breastfeed or take Humira. Argh. I understand it is their duty to advise me against breastfeeding due to the lack of evidence on taking Humira while pregnant/breastfeeding, but now I feel thrown for a loop. I don't know that my disease will improve once I have the baby. Perhaps the stress the pregnancy has caused on my condition will dissipate once baby is here. Or perhaps it will worsen. At this point, I feel I must continue unmedicated and hope and pray things improve enough. But if it gets worse..... well, I'll have to cross that bridge when I get to it. I'm feeling very frustrated. But there is absolutely NO WAY I would choose not to breastfeed. I breastfed Oliver while on Remicade (another biologic medication) and studies showed that no more than 0.3% of the drug passed through to the baby. I still made the decision to do both. Depending on the severity of the disease after pregnancy, I may have to make that decision again.
Baby #2 has been different for me in 3rd trimester. My first two trimesters felt quite similar with both Oliver and this current pregnancy, but once 3rd trimester hit, there were some differences. For one, because I was able to get the help I needed right away with my Hyperemesis Gravidarum, I have been able to eat more with this pregnancy, meaning I'm already 10 lbs heavier at this point of my pregnancy that I was with Oliver. I gained 15-18 lbs total with Oliver. As a result, I feel like a whale with this pregnancy and have accumulated some tiger stripes (stretch marks). I also think due to the weight of the baby and other extra fluids in my body, the strain on my sacrum (lower back/tailbone) has been very painful. I bought a belly band to help with some of the pressure and have been going to my chiropractor every other week this trimester. I even got a massage! They all offer temporary relief, but ultimately, the pain will always be there as long as this weight is hanging on my front. I am also carrying this baby MUCH lower than I did with Oliver. It literally feels like it's going to fall out of me half the time. Uncomfortable doesn't quite cover how I want to describe this feeling....it's to the point of painful.
As any woman who has been pregnant full term can tell you, the last month of pregnancy is miserable. The last couple weeks of pregnancy is murder. I am 39 weeks and am "over it". But I know this could go on for another 3 weeks. 3 weeks may not sound so awful but when you're already 39 weeks pregnant, 3 weeks sounds like torture.
I'll continue to grapple with what to do about my disease once this baby is born, on top of all the other newborn struggles and post partum healing. As always, my support team is incredible. My husband encourages me and says "you're almost done" every day and says I'm doing a good job and listens to my complaints. My mom and sisters, sisters in-law, and friends have been wonderful and cheerful as they politely receive my videos and pics of my baby moving around in my belly, often touching my belly as this little one is very active. Their excitement leaves me excited. My family has been so helpful with preparing for baby, giving opinions on paint colors, and rug options, building shelves and furniture. And of course my mom, thank you for going to the birthing class with us, believing in me and what my body is made for - bring this baby earth side.
Come on, baby. Momma's ready for you.
Monday, November 16, 2015
Wednesday, July 22, 2015
I'm a terrible host
I'm one of the WORST people to grow a baby. My body just isn't ever in a good place for it. Baby needs the Garden of Eden - happiness, peace, and rivers. I'm the Temple of Doom. I am currently sitting at 22 weeks and feel as though the end can't come soon enough. I am so sick of vomiting and feeling nauseous. What Hyperemesis Gravidarum (HG) does to a person isn't just physical. It attacks you the same way any other chronic illness does. It cripples your identity and robs you of life's daily joys. The things in life you used to enjoy, you really can't anymore because you are plagued. I am normally a very active person. As soon as I pick Ollie up from daycare, we are outside, playing, running, biking, swimming, digging, exploring. Now? I can barely make it the 4 blocks to the park and "mommy needs to sit down". I wonder often if Oliver is frustrated with my inabilities at this point.
When you are robbed of your basic joys, you ultimately struggle with depression, anxiety, feelings of hopelessness. These are not "bad" feelings to have. They are feelings. And they must be felt and acknowledged. Ask anyone who has a chronic disease or is suffering through a very serious illness, and I can almost guarantee you they have these depressive feelings associated with the illness. In my case, I know it will end. But keep in mind, when the illness ends, one does not miraculously rebound from the suffering they endured for almost a year. It takes several months if not years to recover from the emotional toll. Keeping in mind, hormonal changes and post partum depression. I plead with anyone going through HG or knows someone suffering from HG, PLEASE, get help (sufferers) and do not judge their emotional status. Just support them and know that getting over this will take time and not to be rushed. It is not something we can just 'get over' or wallow for a bit and move on. We deal with this every day.
But don't be too discouraged; I still do find joy every day in my family and friends, it's just not to the capacity that I am accustomed and that is frustrating. My husband NEVER ceases to amaze me with how supportive and encouraging and understanding he is. You don't really know how strong your relationship with your partner is until you go through something earth shattering like an illness or a chronic disease, of which I have both currently. He tells me daily that he loves me, that I am strong, that I can get through this, and that this SUCKS. I can't tell you how many times he has fetched my "drug bag" (zebra printed gift bag I keep all my meds in and usually have right by my side), ran to the store for random things that perhaps sounded good enough to eat or drink, cleaned the house, taken Oliver on walks so I could rest, sat with me in the hospital. And not once has he complained. Oliver makes me proud and so happy every day and I ALWAYS find joy in him and try to not beat myself up too much that I can't be as active with him as I'd like. And I have friends and family who lift my spirits and are always willing to help.
A couple weeks ago, I twisted wrong and got an umbilical hernia, so I am under orders not to lift much, ESPECIALLY my burly toddler. That has been almost as hard as having HG. Oliver is still very much my baby and although he is almost 3, he loves to be held and carried and I love to do it. He has been a trooper despite this all and I am hopeful that he will never remember this period of his life, when mommy was docile and had to stop carrying him around.
My crohn's and colitis often has angry moments where I'll have active bleeding for several days and usually can get it temporarily back under control with the use of stool softeners and medicated enemas. I just pray I can keep a handle on it until I deliver this trooper of a baby. It really isn't recommended to start a new medication in the middle of a pregnancy, especially as I am nearing 3rd trimester. I believe at this point, it is inevitable that I will have to start on a medication after pregnancy to keep my disease under control as the past few months have been rocky and I am fearful of scar tissue developing.
As always, I am thankful for my team of medical professionals, gastroenterology, midwife, and perinatologist who see me frequently and show genuine concern.
I hope this baby will forgive me for being a terrible host and also fervently pray that all the medications I've taken to survive HG hasn't affected the poor thing permanently. Oliver survived a 40 week Zofran pregnancy, so I hope this little one can make it through the plethora I'm taking this time.
Wish me and my wee one luck.
When you are robbed of your basic joys, you ultimately struggle with depression, anxiety, feelings of hopelessness. These are not "bad" feelings to have. They are feelings. And they must be felt and acknowledged. Ask anyone who has a chronic disease or is suffering through a very serious illness, and I can almost guarantee you they have these depressive feelings associated with the illness. In my case, I know it will end. But keep in mind, when the illness ends, one does not miraculously rebound from the suffering they endured for almost a year. It takes several months if not years to recover from the emotional toll. Keeping in mind, hormonal changes and post partum depression. I plead with anyone going through HG or knows someone suffering from HG, PLEASE, get help (sufferers) and do not judge their emotional status. Just support them and know that getting over this will take time and not to be rushed. It is not something we can just 'get over' or wallow for a bit and move on. We deal with this every day.
But don't be too discouraged; I still do find joy every day in my family and friends, it's just not to the capacity that I am accustomed and that is frustrating. My husband NEVER ceases to amaze me with how supportive and encouraging and understanding he is. You don't really know how strong your relationship with your partner is until you go through something earth shattering like an illness or a chronic disease, of which I have both currently. He tells me daily that he loves me, that I am strong, that I can get through this, and that this SUCKS. I can't tell you how many times he has fetched my "drug bag" (zebra printed gift bag I keep all my meds in and usually have right by my side), ran to the store for random things that perhaps sounded good enough to eat or drink, cleaned the house, taken Oliver on walks so I could rest, sat with me in the hospital. And not once has he complained. Oliver makes me proud and so happy every day and I ALWAYS find joy in him and try to not beat myself up too much that I can't be as active with him as I'd like. And I have friends and family who lift my spirits and are always willing to help.
A couple weeks ago, I twisted wrong and got an umbilical hernia, so I am under orders not to lift much, ESPECIALLY my burly toddler. That has been almost as hard as having HG. Oliver is still very much my baby and although he is almost 3, he loves to be held and carried and I love to do it. He has been a trooper despite this all and I am hopeful that he will never remember this period of his life, when mommy was docile and had to stop carrying him around.
My crohn's and colitis often has angry moments where I'll have active bleeding for several days and usually can get it temporarily back under control with the use of stool softeners and medicated enemas. I just pray I can keep a handle on it until I deliver this trooper of a baby. It really isn't recommended to start a new medication in the middle of a pregnancy, especially as I am nearing 3rd trimester. I believe at this point, it is inevitable that I will have to start on a medication after pregnancy to keep my disease under control as the past few months have been rocky and I am fearful of scar tissue developing.
As always, I am thankful for my team of medical professionals, gastroenterology, midwife, and perinatologist who see me frequently and show genuine concern.
I hope this baby will forgive me for being a terrible host and also fervently pray that all the medications I've taken to survive HG hasn't affected the poor thing permanently. Oliver survived a 40 week Zofran pregnancy, so I hope this little one can make it through the plethora I'm taking this time.
Wish me and my wee one luck.
Monday, June 15, 2015
I'm taking those annoying pictures this time.....
I've been largely absent for a few months in the desire to keep what has been going on in my life private, as battling this additional illness is a familiar one. Travis and I found out we are expecting baby #2 around mid-March. This was surprising and exciting news for us. We are excited for the blessing of another little one and for Oliver to be a big brother.
When I found out, I was shocked, to say the least, then almost closely followed by excitement. This was very quickly followed by terror and severe anxiety. This is because my pregnancy with Oliver was a complete nightmare. I had hyperemesis gravidarum and only truly knew that in retrospect. I lost a lot of weight in the first trimester and threw up violently the first two trimesters and even during labor and delivery. I was a walking zombie skeletal pregnant woman. It was complete misery. The thought of going through that again terrified me. I decided to be proactive immediately. I started using essential oils, kept working out, ate lots of small meals throughout the day, packed with protein, got lots of fresh air, weekly acupuncture, preggie pops, the list goes on. But as I suspected, it wouldn't matter what I did, it was still going to happen. Hyperemesis gravidarum (HG) is not morning sickness. I do not throw up in the morning then am done for the day and feel better. HG is a debilitating condition in which you battle constant nausea day and night and throw up multiple times throughout the day and night. You suffer from dehydration, malnutrition, depression, and are at a risk to lose your baby. Starting around week 7/8, I started Zofran (a dissolvable anti-nausea medication).
At week 8, I had my first OB appointment. For several reasons, I decided to go with a midwife this time, instead of an OBGYN. The difference is like night and day. She hugged me and listened to me, and became my advocate. After my first pregnancy, I learned how to advocate for myself, but having a supportive midwife who understood and acknowledged HG made all the difference in the world. We added Phenergan (another anti-nausea medication) to my regime since I was still throwing up frequently and very dehydrated. She also set up weekly IV fluid appointments for me to try and keep me hydrated. So at week 8, I started going in for my weekly IV fluid appointments; however, it wasn't enough, I ended up going into OB triage or the Emergency Room 1-2 more times a week in addition to my scheduled visits. At week 12, we added Reglan (anti-nausea #3) to my routine and that seemed to finally help a bit. I felt like I could start to function. When I went to my scheduled fluid visit a couple days afterwards, the midwives decided to keep me as an inpatient to get my illness stabilized and to look into getting a PICC line and/or a feeding tube. While there, I was able to keep food and liquids down while receiving IV fluids and medications. This was a turning point for me. I am still on all three anti-nausea medications, but now only throw up a few times a week. My nausea is only there about 50% of the time and not as debilitating as it was before.
I owe a big thanks to my midwife for being proactive, taking me seriously, and listening. I was still "crackered" by a couple nurses and still by some acquaintances but I figure they are saying these things because they don't know any better and I can't be upset at them. Being "crackered" means someone tells you just to try and eat a saltine in the morning and drink ginger ale for your "morning sickness". I challenge you to name anything you can think of to help with nausea/HG/morning sickness/vomiting. Please. And I can assure ..... your question "have you tried......" can be met with a resounding "YES". Please don't assume I am in this position because there are remedies out there I haven't tried. Please don't assume I am weak or lack the will to "just get up and move on". Please don't assume this is anything like morning sickness. Please don't assume you know what I am going through. But that doesn't mean you cannot sympathize and offer support.
Support for someone suffering with HG means offering to help clean their house or cook food or even better, don't cook food in my house (barf), bring it over already made and hopefully easily digestible. If nothing else, maybe my kid and husband will eat it. It can mean offering to watch their child/children because physically caring for them is almost impossible at times. Support means telling the sufferer that they are strong, courageous, unstoppable, doing a stellar job, are a wonderful mother. Support means you don't judge them for a condition you personally know nothing about. It is getting them from one piece of furniture to another. Travis often had to carry me as I was too weak. My neighbor once came over to change Oliver's diaper because there was no way I could handle that. Support is not asking the sufferer to do ANYTHING extra and not getting upset/offended when they can't partake in normal activities. Support is knowing that the sufferer isn't intentionally abandoning you or avoiding you. They can barely make it to work, their DR appt, daycare, or walk through the grocery store without practically collapsing and subsequently dry heaving and retching everywhere. Support is sitting with that person while in the hospital and just being there without expecting anything in return.
Our due date is November 23rd. Maybe a Thanksgiving baby?! It's probably safe to say I'll be doing my Black Friday shopping exclusively online this year.
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Tuesday, February 10, 2015
the ingredients in my witch's cauldron
I am perhaps coming out of the thick of it. My second flare. Many people have asked me what a flare is. I guess I should have explained that a bit more. To be clear, everyone's flare can vary. For me, it means I have frequent bloody and mucousy stools, mostly recently up to 7-8 times a day. Sometimes it's just blood and sometimes it's just mucous. I appreciate people asking me what being symptomatic means because I take it that they care. Or maybe they're just curious, but either way, it's bringing awareness to a disease and that is ALWAYS a positive thing.
I started flaring probably end of October/beginning of November. At that point, I would have a bloody stool maybe once every couple days. It gradually built from one per day, then eventually a couple a day, up until I was experiencing the 7-8 a day. When it gets to that point, I become anemic, fatigued, experience muscle fatigue, and probably a bit malnourished as I am doubtful I am absorbing nutrients.
Following my colonoscopy and the new diagnosis of Crohn's, I had a follow up with my gastroenterologist to discuss treatment options. He heavily encouraged me to get on a biologic immune-suppressant called Humira. He felt this would put me in remission and keep my disease from progressing. I downright refused. It sounds like a slam dunk, though, doesn't it? But if you look at the laundry list of side effects, you might think differently. I begrudgingly agreed to try mesalamine-oral and enemas. Meslamine is a non-steroid and a "heavy duty" form ibuprofen. So it's an anti-inflammatory. Before the appointment, I researched side effects, which were headache, hair loss, abdominal cramping, diarrhea, constipation, abdominal swelling, amongst others. This seems atrocious but Humira had much worse side effects, especially long term. I started the enemas right away after the appointment and hesitated taking the oral mesalamine of 3000 mg daily because I still just didn't feel right about it.
Within a week of my gastroenterology follow up, I went in for a CT Scan to see how far my disease had spread into my small bowel. Keep in mind, my doctor had used the words "Ulcerative Colitis, Crohn's, Ileitis, losing your bowels, exploding intestines, colostomy bags, you're too young". These heavy connotations littered our appointment and left me feeling deflated. I wondered, "what the heck was I thinking? That I was bigger than my disease? That I really could do this on my own, without medication??!!" I did the CT Scan without much hope of a good outcome. My mom came and sat with me beforehand while I drank the murky contrast fluid (3 big cups!) and lifted my spirits.
A week later, my doctor's nurse called with the results. No severe or significant small bowel lesions. No other inflammation other than mild in the lower rectum. No ileitis. I had her repeat it to me 4 times. Then I still didn't believe her and asked to speak with the actual doctor. She said she would see what she could do. A couple days later, another nurse called and said the. same. thing. Wait. Wait. What??!! Are you saying there isn't Crohn's after all? "The CT scan revealed there is no inflammation in the small bowel, ileum, and only mild in the lower rectum." I hung up confused and dazed. Doc still says to take the mesalamine to combat my symptoms in the meantime and prevent progression. I had been using the enemas for about a week at that point and they helped significantly. Nonetheless, still not convinced by my good news, I agreed to start the oral mesalamine. Over the course of 6 days, I experienced terrible headaches, severe abdominal swelling, extreme flatulence, abdominal pain, and on the 6th day, I had a white stool. According to healthline.com:
Normal stools can vary in shades of brown, mostly due to diet. Pale or clay-colored stools are not normal. If your stools are pale or clay-colored, you may have a problem with the drainage of your biliary system, which is comprised of your gallbladder, liver, and pancreas.
Bile salts are released into your stools by your liver, giving the stools a brown color. If your liver is not producing enough bile, or if the flow of the bile is blocked and not draining from your liver, your stools will be pale or clay-colored.
Having pale or clay-colored stools once in a while may not be a cause for concern. If it occurs frequently, you may have a serious illness. You should see your doctor whenever you have pale or clay-colored stools in order to rule out illness and disease.
Certain medications, such as nonsteroidal anti-inflammatory drugs (ibuprofen and naproxen), birth control pills, some antibiotics, and anabolic steroids can cause drug-induced hepatitis. Drug-induced hepatitis is a swelling or inflammation of the liver caused by medications. Drug-induced hepatitis and the related discolored stools usually go away within a few weeks after the medications are discontinued.
Mesalamine is a nonsteroidal anti-inflammatory. My kidneys and liver were having a very severe reaction to a medication that was supposed to be helping me. I called the nurse immediately and told her my symptoms. Her and doc agreed to stop it immediately and once again recommended Humira. I said I'd keep using the enemas and keep them posted.
With the results of my CT Scan, I began to feel renewed again in my ability to heal. Under the coaxing of my mom, I contacted a doctor who does acupuncture. I saw her for a consult and we discussed my history. She could actually relate and appreciate my story because she has Crohn's. We discussed alternative and holistic treatment options, from vitamins and supplements, to essential oils and acupuncture. I have since had an acupuncture session and it was wonderful. I will be continuing that treatment as it is supposed to help with my stress levels and to remain in remission It is also a good tool while symptomatic by shortening the length of the flare.
I also was able to figure out a good regime with the guidance of my chiropractor of when (what time of the day) to take my vitamins and supplements so I am achieving optimal healing by means of muscle testing. I am currently on:
*a probiotic
*B6
*whole food daily vitamin Juice Plus http://www.juiceplus.com/content/JuicePlus/en/what-is-juice-plus/what-is-juice-plus.html
*Zyflamend http://www.newchapter.com/zyflamend/zyflamend-whole-body
*L-Glutamine
*D3 30K IUs
*mesalamine enemas at night
I currently have maybe 1-2 stools with small indications of blood. This is a vast improvement from where I was even a couple weeks ago. I am feeling more confident as each day passes. This flare lasted about 3 months, whereas my last flare about 4 years ago lasted over 8 months.
It is only when you go through the darkness that you really appreciate the light. I am so grateful for my prayer warriors, encouragers, supporters of my constant hunger for natural healing. I've learned so much this past flare. I've learned I'm not invincible and that stress triggers my flares. I've learned to believe in my abilities again. I've learned that life is fragile and precious and not to squander it. I've learned about acupuncture. I've been reminded of how strong and badass I am to combat this! I've learned once again that this will never go away and yet find myself blessed every day.
I started flaring probably end of October/beginning of November. At that point, I would have a bloody stool maybe once every couple days. It gradually built from one per day, then eventually a couple a day, up until I was experiencing the 7-8 a day. When it gets to that point, I become anemic, fatigued, experience muscle fatigue, and probably a bit malnourished as I am doubtful I am absorbing nutrients.
Following my colonoscopy and the new diagnosis of Crohn's, I had a follow up with my gastroenterologist to discuss treatment options. He heavily encouraged me to get on a biologic immune-suppressant called Humira. He felt this would put me in remission and keep my disease from progressing. I downright refused. It sounds like a slam dunk, though, doesn't it? But if you look at the laundry list of side effects, you might think differently. I begrudgingly agreed to try mesalamine-oral and enemas. Meslamine is a non-steroid and a "heavy duty" form ibuprofen. So it's an anti-inflammatory. Before the appointment, I researched side effects, which were headache, hair loss, abdominal cramping, diarrhea, constipation, abdominal swelling, amongst others. This seems atrocious but Humira had much worse side effects, especially long term. I started the enemas right away after the appointment and hesitated taking the oral mesalamine of 3000 mg daily because I still just didn't feel right about it.
Within a week of my gastroenterology follow up, I went in for a CT Scan to see how far my disease had spread into my small bowel. Keep in mind, my doctor had used the words "Ulcerative Colitis, Crohn's, Ileitis, losing your bowels, exploding intestines, colostomy bags, you're too young". These heavy connotations littered our appointment and left me feeling deflated. I wondered, "what the heck was I thinking? That I was bigger than my disease? That I really could do this on my own, without medication??!!" I did the CT Scan without much hope of a good outcome. My mom came and sat with me beforehand while I drank the murky contrast fluid (3 big cups!) and lifted my spirits.
A week later, my doctor's nurse called with the results. No severe or significant small bowel lesions. No other inflammation other than mild in the lower rectum. No ileitis. I had her repeat it to me 4 times. Then I still didn't believe her and asked to speak with the actual doctor. She said she would see what she could do. A couple days later, another nurse called and said the. same. thing. Wait. Wait. What??!! Are you saying there isn't Crohn's after all? "The CT scan revealed there is no inflammation in the small bowel, ileum, and only mild in the lower rectum." I hung up confused and dazed. Doc still says to take the mesalamine to combat my symptoms in the meantime and prevent progression. I had been using the enemas for about a week at that point and they helped significantly. Nonetheless, still not convinced by my good news, I agreed to start the oral mesalamine. Over the course of 6 days, I experienced terrible headaches, severe abdominal swelling, extreme flatulence, abdominal pain, and on the 6th day, I had a white stool. According to healthline.com:
Normal stools can vary in shades of brown, mostly due to diet. Pale or clay-colored stools are not normal. If your stools are pale or clay-colored, you may have a problem with the drainage of your biliary system, which is comprised of your gallbladder, liver, and pancreas.
Bile salts are released into your stools by your liver, giving the stools a brown color. If your liver is not producing enough bile, or if the flow of the bile is blocked and not draining from your liver, your stools will be pale or clay-colored.
Having pale or clay-colored stools once in a while may not be a cause for concern. If it occurs frequently, you may have a serious illness. You should see your doctor whenever you have pale or clay-colored stools in order to rule out illness and disease.
Certain medications, such as nonsteroidal anti-inflammatory drugs (ibuprofen and naproxen), birth control pills, some antibiotics, and anabolic steroids can cause drug-induced hepatitis. Drug-induced hepatitis is a swelling or inflammation of the liver caused by medications. Drug-induced hepatitis and the related discolored stools usually go away within a few weeks after the medications are discontinued.
Mesalamine is a nonsteroidal anti-inflammatory. My kidneys and liver were having a very severe reaction to a medication that was supposed to be helping me. I called the nurse immediately and told her my symptoms. Her and doc agreed to stop it immediately and once again recommended Humira. I said I'd keep using the enemas and keep them posted.
With the results of my CT Scan, I began to feel renewed again in my ability to heal. Under the coaxing of my mom, I contacted a doctor who does acupuncture. I saw her for a consult and we discussed my history. She could actually relate and appreciate my story because she has Crohn's. We discussed alternative and holistic treatment options, from vitamins and supplements, to essential oils and acupuncture. I have since had an acupuncture session and it was wonderful. I will be continuing that treatment as it is supposed to help with my stress levels and to remain in remission It is also a good tool while symptomatic by shortening the length of the flare.
I also was able to figure out a good regime with the guidance of my chiropractor of when (what time of the day) to take my vitamins and supplements so I am achieving optimal healing by means of muscle testing. I am currently on:
*a probiotic
*B6
*whole food daily vitamin Juice Plus http://www.juiceplus.com/content/JuicePlus/en/what-is-juice-plus/what-is-juice-plus.html
*Zyflamend http://www.newchapter.com/zyflamend/zyflamend-whole-body
*L-Glutamine
*D3 30K IUs
*mesalamine enemas at night
I currently have maybe 1-2 stools with small indications of blood. This is a vast improvement from where I was even a couple weeks ago. I am feeling more confident as each day passes. This flare lasted about 3 months, whereas my last flare about 4 years ago lasted over 8 months.
It is only when you go through the darkness that you really appreciate the light. I am so grateful for my prayer warriors, encouragers, supporters of my constant hunger for natural healing. I've learned so much this past flare. I've learned I'm not invincible and that stress triggers my flares. I've learned to believe in my abilities again. I've learned that life is fragile and precious and not to squander it. I've learned about acupuncture. I've been reminded of how strong and badass I am to combat this! I've learned once again that this will never go away and yet find myself blessed every day.
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| Ollie applying an egg wash to our paleo mini bagels. #lilchef |
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| We are OBSESSED with smoothies and protein shakes. This one was a blend of frozen fruit, cranberry juice, a can of grapefruit La Croix, raw local honey, and grass fed beef gelatin. |
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| #realtalk |
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| Running is my therapy. |
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| Is it summer yet??!! #realmenwearspeedos |
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| Our weekend birthday celebration in Minneapolis. I turned the big 3-0 and Travis 31. Me and my OG (Original Ginger). |
Sunday, January 4, 2015
Please don't fall
You know that feeling when you are dropping something and you desperately scramble to catch it by snatching the air, fighting all the way down until it crashes? With every clench of your fist and fumble, you think there's a chance you might still catch it! You hold your breath and your body flings into action. That's what we do when we don't want something out of our control... out of our grasp... shattered around us. We claw at nothing and stretch our bodies in the mere chance we can control our destiny.
I've been clawing. I have clawed the shit out of this. I have bent my body every which way. I fight until I hear the shattering at my feet. Then, when it falls, I just stand there. Like.... dammit... how did I let that happen?
I don't know why I keep asking myself that. I didn't 'let it happen'. It just happened. It is a disease. That is what diseases do. They happen. They keep happening no matter what you do, and they will continue to happen. And I hate it. I hate that part of me, that uncontrollable part of me.
I learned today that Start Scott died and saw this on Instagram: "You beat cancer by how you live, why you live, and in the manner in which you live". ~Stuart Scott
I certainly do not want to say that my disease is comparable to cancer, because it is not. Reading this was a good reminder to me to 'stay the course' and to remember that despite having diseased, ulcerative intestines, my body is STILL a temple. I can continue to treat it the way it should be. I can continue to be a steward to my family, friends, work, community. I can show others who are living with Ulcerative Colitis and Crohn's that this doesn't have to debilitate you.
As anyone living with an illness knows, we are not just effected physically. There is an emotional toll that we go through each day. Suffering from a chronicity has been difficult for me. I want to be a 'whole' person and never be weak and be the best mom and wife but sometimes I am hindered. Sometimes I have pain. Sometimes I am fatigued. Sometimes I'm weak. This is not something I take well. I DESPISE IT. And it's not just me living with this. It's something my husband and son have to live with, too.
Being in a flare has sapped a lot of my energy. I hate it for so many reasons. In addition to working full time, taking care of a house, cooking, being a mother and wife, contributing to my community and teaching part time, I am still trying to work out at least 2-3 times a week but I find when I do, it really exhausts me. I have been losing a little bit of blood every day for the past 2 months. If you think about that.... yeah.... I'm beat.
I just can't give it up, though. I can't just stop all my hard work. I can't justify it! I have plans! I plan on finishing top 3 of my age division in a 5K this year. My last 5K, I finished 4th place. I don't have TIME to be sick. I've got goals to accomplish! I've got pride to uphold!
I have a follow up DR appointment next week to discuss the findings of my colonoscopy and treatment. I can't tell you how adamant I am about NOT getting back on drugs. And if you think I don't consider it every day when I go to the bathroom, you are dead wrong. It's always on my mind. But so is the horrendous side effects I had from the drugs I started taking 4 years ago and I will not intentionally go down that path again. I started taking an anti-inflammatory herbal supplement called Zyflamend. I only started it this week but the reviews I have read on it were largely neutral to positive.
Please.... if you are suffering... don't give up. Don't give up your drive or your passion or your goals. Believe in your abilities and your body's capabilities. Believe it with me! I have to trust that I can get through this. I can't 'drop' this. I will grapple and bite and catapult until it hits. Then I will gather the fragments up and rebuild.
I've been clawing. I have clawed the shit out of this. I have bent my body every which way. I fight until I hear the shattering at my feet. Then, when it falls, I just stand there. Like.... dammit... how did I let that happen?
I don't know why I keep asking myself that. I didn't 'let it happen'. It just happened. It is a disease. That is what diseases do. They happen. They keep happening no matter what you do, and they will continue to happen. And I hate it. I hate that part of me, that uncontrollable part of me.
I learned today that Start Scott died and saw this on Instagram: "You beat cancer by how you live, why you live, and in the manner in which you live". ~Stuart Scott
I certainly do not want to say that my disease is comparable to cancer, because it is not. Reading this was a good reminder to me to 'stay the course' and to remember that despite having diseased, ulcerative intestines, my body is STILL a temple. I can continue to treat it the way it should be. I can continue to be a steward to my family, friends, work, community. I can show others who are living with Ulcerative Colitis and Crohn's that this doesn't have to debilitate you.
As anyone living with an illness knows, we are not just effected physically. There is an emotional toll that we go through each day. Suffering from a chronicity has been difficult for me. I want to be a 'whole' person and never be weak and be the best mom and wife but sometimes I am hindered. Sometimes I have pain. Sometimes I am fatigued. Sometimes I'm weak. This is not something I take well. I DESPISE IT. And it's not just me living with this. It's something my husband and son have to live with, too.
Being in a flare has sapped a lot of my energy. I hate it for so many reasons. In addition to working full time, taking care of a house, cooking, being a mother and wife, contributing to my community and teaching part time, I am still trying to work out at least 2-3 times a week but I find when I do, it really exhausts me. I have been losing a little bit of blood every day for the past 2 months. If you think about that.... yeah.... I'm beat.
I just can't give it up, though. I can't just stop all my hard work. I can't justify it! I have plans! I plan on finishing top 3 of my age division in a 5K this year. My last 5K, I finished 4th place. I don't have TIME to be sick. I've got goals to accomplish! I've got pride to uphold!
I have a follow up DR appointment next week to discuss the findings of my colonoscopy and treatment. I can't tell you how adamant I am about NOT getting back on drugs. And if you think I don't consider it every day when I go to the bathroom, you are dead wrong. It's always on my mind. But so is the horrendous side effects I had from the drugs I started taking 4 years ago and I will not intentionally go down that path again. I started taking an anti-inflammatory herbal supplement called Zyflamend. I only started it this week but the reviews I have read on it were largely neutral to positive.
Please.... if you are suffering... don't give up. Don't give up your drive or your passion or your goals. Believe in your abilities and your body's capabilities. Believe it with me! I have to trust that I can get through this. I can't 'drop' this. I will grapple and bite and catapult until it hits. Then I will gather the fragments up and rebuild.
 |
| Halloween with the Man in the Yellow Hat. Curious George went MIA. |
Thursday, December 11, 2014
After the bomb drops
Where do I begin?
I'm devastated. That's the biggest understatement of the century.
Gastroenterologists really need to develop a different way of breaking bad news, other than waking you up out of sedation or anesthesia and saying "hey, you have Crohn's now".
Yes, you read that right. Not only do I have Ulcerative Colitis...now I have Crohn's. For those of you who don't know, Ulcerative Colitis is an inflammatory auto-immune disease that attacks your large intestine. Crohn's is the same thing, except it's in the small intestine. It has progressed. Seeing that ... I'm still in shock. How? When? WHY??!!
I am coping with this news in the same fashion any person goes through a grieving process. My initial reaction is shock. How can this be?? I literally didn't even THINK about Crohn's being a possibility. These were my thoughts going in: my UC has remained the same severity, my UC is worse, my UC is better. NEVER did I think they would discover Crohn's. I have wracked my brain in the past week thinking how this could have happened. Was it because I stopped doing my Remicade infusions? Well, it's possible it may have progressed while off medication, but it's also possible my disease was progressing unbeknownst to me over the past three years that we haven't gone in and taken a look at my innards. It's possible that stopping the meds made it progress faster, but it's also possible that it had already progressed this far while I was still on the meds. We just don't know and won't know. I have to go in to the GI in January. At that point, we'll schedule a CT Scan to get a better look at my small intestines and I'll probably swallow a mini camera so it can take pics of my small intestines, since he was only able to go about 4 inches in. Yeah, that's another thing. He could only go into the small intestines 4 inches, so WHO KNOWS how far that SOB goes ... (At this point I am taking a deep breath so I don't scream and throw my computer).
This brings me to phase two of my grieving process (which is a prelude to phase 3 where I want to throw my computer through a wall). Sadness. Extreme sadness. Disappointing, debilitating, heart wrenching sadness. As the explosion of shock started to wear off, it filled back in with this raw emotion. I cried a lot right after the procedure. I just laid there and sobbed. Travis kind of sat there helpless and my nurse tried to be optimistic. I didn't want to hear optimism. I didn't want to hear what they had just told me. When I was discharged, we went out for breakfast (I hadn't eaten in 40 hours!!) and I cried over my food. Then my brother, Jason, called me. Mom must have turned on her lighthouse (aka sent a mass text). Jason was always the most level-headed of my siblings. I think it comes with the oldest sibling territory. Somebody's gotta keep things under control! He usually will show up in a time of crisis with reassuring words. This is a weird analogy but for you nerds out there, I think of it this way: I'm Percy Jackson, a demi-god, and he's Poseidon (my dad). When Percy is in the thick of something really difficult, Poseidon appears and makes things seem better, by offering a nugget of wisdom. You feel somewhat uplifted, no matter how bleak the situation. He's admired, respected, and somewhat absent (my Poseidon lives in Canada... but he might as well live under the sea for how much we see each other). People mean well, I've learned. And those close to me know that right now, I need to cry and just not say anything... and they just need to listen... or be there and not pester me for more information. Which is partially why I've been silent mostly this past week processing information in my head, because I don't want tumult of inquiries, when I don't know how to answer them. So I you've reached out to me and I haven't responded, please don't take it personally.
It makes me angry that I don't have the answers. It makes me angry that I can't cure this. I'm pissed I have to suffer from this disease. I'm pissed that all my efforts seem in vain. I'm furious that I can't control the progression of this disease. I am sort of see-sawing between sadness and anger right now. I have moments of hopelessness and sadness over this new diagnosis. Then I get really effing pissed. I'm livid. Why did this have to happen to me? Why are my intestines being so mean to me when I've only been good to them? I don't eat wheat, I eat limited dairy, very little sugar, no processed foods, I try to eat organic. I run, do yoga, try to get adequate rest. It all seems for naught. All my vigilance and discipline and research and commitment. It seems almost empty now. I'm so effing pissed.
And I'm also currently in a flare. The first one I've had in about 3.5 years. I don't really want to talk much about that.
This isn't really the best time of the year for me to be so angry so I am mentally challenging myself to remember these positive things:
1) My diet and exercise regime have actually made me a better person, largely controlled my symptoms, gave me daily goals, more energy and a killer bod ;)
2) The only good news I received last week after my colonoscopy is that my Ulcerative Colitis actually looked much better than the last colonoscopy I had done. That truly is wonderful news. I was pleased to hear that.
3) I have a positive/cup half full/supportive husband. And a rockstar family. And a cute fat ginger toddler.
What I'm processing and pondering:
1) Doc wants me back on meds. Questions are... will medicine stop or significantly slow down the progression of my disease? or simply control symptoms?
2) What other options are there than biologics? Biologics suppress your immune system and increase your risk for cancer, in addition to the laundry list of side effects I had the pleasure of experiencing already.
3) If you dare suggest I get back on prednisone, I will strangle you. (that's just a statement, not a question, but I wanted to put it out there....#fuhgetaboutit)
4) How long do I have before I am completely encompassed in this disease and have to lose some of my intestines? Or can that be avoided entirely? Which brings me to
5) Kill me before I have to get a colostomy bag.
6) I hope this isn't hereditary.
I'm devastated. That's the biggest understatement of the century.
Gastroenterologists really need to develop a different way of breaking bad news, other than waking you up out of sedation or anesthesia and saying "hey, you have Crohn's now".
Yes, you read that right. Not only do I have Ulcerative Colitis...now I have Crohn's. For those of you who don't know, Ulcerative Colitis is an inflammatory auto-immune disease that attacks your large intestine. Crohn's is the same thing, except it's in the small intestine. It has progressed. Seeing that ... I'm still in shock. How? When? WHY??!!
I am coping with this news in the same fashion any person goes through a grieving process. My initial reaction is shock. How can this be?? I literally didn't even THINK about Crohn's being a possibility. These were my thoughts going in: my UC has remained the same severity, my UC is worse, my UC is better. NEVER did I think they would discover Crohn's. I have wracked my brain in the past week thinking how this could have happened. Was it because I stopped doing my Remicade infusions? Well, it's possible it may have progressed while off medication, but it's also possible my disease was progressing unbeknownst to me over the past three years that we haven't gone in and taken a look at my innards. It's possible that stopping the meds made it progress faster, but it's also possible that it had already progressed this far while I was still on the meds. We just don't know and won't know. I have to go in to the GI in January. At that point, we'll schedule a CT Scan to get a better look at my small intestines and I'll probably swallow a mini camera so it can take pics of my small intestines, since he was only able to go about 4 inches in. Yeah, that's another thing. He could only go into the small intestines 4 inches, so WHO KNOWS how far that SOB goes ... (At this point I am taking a deep breath so I don't scream and throw my computer).
This brings me to phase two of my grieving process (which is a prelude to phase 3 where I want to throw my computer through a wall). Sadness. Extreme sadness. Disappointing, debilitating, heart wrenching sadness. As the explosion of shock started to wear off, it filled back in with this raw emotion. I cried a lot right after the procedure. I just laid there and sobbed. Travis kind of sat there helpless and my nurse tried to be optimistic. I didn't want to hear optimism. I didn't want to hear what they had just told me. When I was discharged, we went out for breakfast (I hadn't eaten in 40 hours!!) and I cried over my food. Then my brother, Jason, called me. Mom must have turned on her lighthouse (aka sent a mass text). Jason was always the most level-headed of my siblings. I think it comes with the oldest sibling territory. Somebody's gotta keep things under control! He usually will show up in a time of crisis with reassuring words. This is a weird analogy but for you nerds out there, I think of it this way: I'm Percy Jackson, a demi-god, and he's Poseidon (my dad). When Percy is in the thick of something really difficult, Poseidon appears and makes things seem better, by offering a nugget of wisdom. You feel somewhat uplifted, no matter how bleak the situation. He's admired, respected, and somewhat absent (my Poseidon lives in Canada... but he might as well live under the sea for how much we see each other). People mean well, I've learned. And those close to me know that right now, I need to cry and just not say anything... and they just need to listen... or be there and not pester me for more information. Which is partially why I've been silent mostly this past week processing information in my head, because I don't want tumult of inquiries, when I don't know how to answer them. So I you've reached out to me and I haven't responded, please don't take it personally.
It makes me angry that I don't have the answers. It makes me angry that I can't cure this. I'm pissed I have to suffer from this disease. I'm pissed that all my efforts seem in vain. I'm furious that I can't control the progression of this disease. I am sort of see-sawing between sadness and anger right now. I have moments of hopelessness and sadness over this new diagnosis. Then I get really effing pissed. I'm livid. Why did this have to happen to me? Why are my intestines being so mean to me when I've only been good to them? I don't eat wheat, I eat limited dairy, very little sugar, no processed foods, I try to eat organic. I run, do yoga, try to get adequate rest. It all seems for naught. All my vigilance and discipline and research and commitment. It seems almost empty now. I'm so effing pissed.
And I'm also currently in a flare. The first one I've had in about 3.5 years. I don't really want to talk much about that.
This isn't really the best time of the year for me to be so angry so I am mentally challenging myself to remember these positive things:
1) My diet and exercise regime have actually made me a better person, largely controlled my symptoms, gave me daily goals, more energy and a killer bod ;)
2) The only good news I received last week after my colonoscopy is that my Ulcerative Colitis actually looked much better than the last colonoscopy I had done. That truly is wonderful news. I was pleased to hear that.
3) I have a positive/cup half full/supportive husband. And a rockstar family. And a cute fat ginger toddler.
What I'm processing and pondering:
1) Doc wants me back on meds. Questions are... will medicine stop or significantly slow down the progression of my disease? or simply control symptoms?
2) What other options are there than biologics? Biologics suppress your immune system and increase your risk for cancer, in addition to the laundry list of side effects I had the pleasure of experiencing already.
3) If you dare suggest I get back on prednisone, I will strangle you. (that's just a statement, not a question, but I wanted to put it out there....#fuhgetaboutit)
4) How long do I have before I am completely encompassed in this disease and have to lose some of my intestines? Or can that be avoided entirely? Which brings me to
5) Kill me before I have to get a colostomy bag.
6) I hope this isn't hereditary.
Tuesday, November 25, 2014
I hate colonoscopies
The hour is drawing near.
That sounds ominous but I feel a bit ominous as I have a colonoscopy next week. Last year, my gastroenterologist agreed to give me one more year to have a colonoscopy since I was doing well and not having flares or symptoms of my ulcerative colitis. Well, as much as I've wanted to hide, that year has arrived and the DR office sent a letter reminding me to set up a time to come in for the lovely procedure. I chucked that letter in the trash. Then another one came a month letter with a handwritten note from my DR himself....and signed it with his first name. If that doesn't tell you he's serious, then I don't know what does. I begrudgingly called and set up a time to get the procedure done.
Now....what's a little nerve-wracking (other than drinking that nasty stuff that makes you get the runs for several hours to clean you out... and not being able to eat for HOURS....and having a scope up your ass) is that this is the first colonoscopy I have had while not being on a medication. This will truly be a testament whether or not my gluten-free and largely paleo diet is, in fact, effective. I'm also nervous because I know my buddy, Lee (GI doc), will want to talk with me about my refusal to take the drugs he's prescribed for 'maintenance'. He's very pro drugs and has more than once told me not to even mess with holistic healing. Having said that, I feel he does care about me and my well-being. He has worked diligently with me for the past 4+ years to get me to a point where I wasn't doubling over from abdominal pain, and having so much blood in my stool that I became anemic. Luckily, that period only lasted that first year that I was diagnosed with Ulcerative Colitis. Since then I haven't had a flare or severe symptoms. Only occasional and insignificant symptoms that usually happen after I've consumed gluten or refined sugar.
When you know better, you do better. And I'm hoping this colonoscopy will show my GI that I know what I'm doing..... or perhaps it will prove the opposite.
To be continued after December 4th.
That sounds ominous but I feel a bit ominous as I have a colonoscopy next week. Last year, my gastroenterologist agreed to give me one more year to have a colonoscopy since I was doing well and not having flares or symptoms of my ulcerative colitis. Well, as much as I've wanted to hide, that year has arrived and the DR office sent a letter reminding me to set up a time to come in for the lovely procedure. I chucked that letter in the trash. Then another one came a month letter with a handwritten note from my DR himself....and signed it with his first name. If that doesn't tell you he's serious, then I don't know what does. I begrudgingly called and set up a time to get the procedure done.
Now....what's a little nerve-wracking (other than drinking that nasty stuff that makes you get the runs for several hours to clean you out... and not being able to eat for HOURS....and having a scope up your ass) is that this is the first colonoscopy I have had while not being on a medication. This will truly be a testament whether or not my gluten-free and largely paleo diet is, in fact, effective. I'm also nervous because I know my buddy, Lee (GI doc), will want to talk with me about my refusal to take the drugs he's prescribed for 'maintenance'. He's very pro drugs and has more than once told me not to even mess with holistic healing. Having said that, I feel he does care about me and my well-being. He has worked diligently with me for the past 4+ years to get me to a point where I wasn't doubling over from abdominal pain, and having so much blood in my stool that I became anemic. Luckily, that period only lasted that first year that I was diagnosed with Ulcerative Colitis. Since then I haven't had a flare or severe symptoms. Only occasional and insignificant symptoms that usually happen after I've consumed gluten or refined sugar.
When you know better, you do better. And I'm hoping this colonoscopy will show my GI that I know what I'm doing..... or perhaps it will prove the opposite.
To be continued after December 4th.
Monday, October 13, 2014
Mom is Gandalf
For those that may have been interested or following my journey to health - here's my status update. I have been medication free since March 2014. That's 7 months, people! No chemotherapy, no anti depressant, no anti anxiety, no sleeping pills, no steroids, no suppositories, nada.
NO FLARES.
But this doesn't mean I'm in the clear. It doesn't mean I can stop the regime I am doing. It doesn't mean I can 'ease up a bit' on my strict diet. On the contrary, I must stay the course.
Like many of my life choices, my decisions aren't necessarily understood; as a result, I find myself sort of hiding my decisions. I didn't necessarily go around telling my co-workers, friends, or family that I got off my medication that helped me achieve remission after over a year of horrible pain, bloody stools, and frequent trips to the emergency room and Mayo. That's because I still live with the fear that I may flare again and I don't want to hear 'I told you so'. Because I fear flaring, I treat my diet and exercise like a religion. I rarely stray, and when I do, I feel a lot of guilt. I recently had a 'fun size' candy bar and the guilt I felt after it perhaps made it not worth how delicious it was! I'm not saying you shouldn't treat yourself every once in a while, but when you fear one food triggering a domino effect of symptoms, you find yourself acknowledging processed, sugary foods as poison itself.
In addition to running, I've started implementing circuit training and the practice of yoga. I don't have a gym membership. I intend to run outside until the snow falls. I take screen shots of Instagram fitness accounts' photos that show you different circuit workouts and have found them to be very effective. And I have several yoga DVDs at home. I still have to give myself pep talks, though, to work out....every time. Once I get going, I am fine, but I drag my feet to get around to it. And I think that's pretty normal.
But, primarily, abs are made in the kitchen. And I don't say that lightly! I used to work out quite frequently before I had Oliver. I did running, weight training, yoga, circuits, aerobics. I was probably at the gym 3-4 times a week. But I wouldn't say I was necessarily in peak physical condition, or really felt great. This is because I was drinking pop, eating junk food, and of course, those evil evil grains and processed sugars. Since eliminating these things and getting back to our Neanderthal roots, I've found that eating Paleo enhances and prepares my body for physical activity. I don't feel heavy or weighed down while running. I don't feel like I'm going to barf after doing a few rounds of a circuit. I'm so proud of myself and my body! It's honing into a lean, muscular temple. I don't feel ashamed saying that because it's true and I worked my ass off (literally) to get to this point. I love looking in the mirror and smiling because my reflection is saying "you go, girl! You proved you medical 'professionals', yourself, and all the haters wrong!" I don't know if I necessarily have haters, but those of you who are lurking in the corner, waiting for me to relapse...you're a hater. Go away.
Don't be ignorant or dormant; be proactive! I challenge YOU to give this a try. Walk a month in my shoes and see how amazing the results are. Do your research and really look into what you are putting in your body. The results may scare you. I learn lots of new things in the kitchen while I do my continued research of a Paleo lifestyle. I can't tell you how important it is to continue to educate yourself. When you know better, you do better. I know better than to trust big corporations, pharmaceuticals, and the FDA. I put my trust in what God provided on planet Earth is what's truly needed for a healthy species. I'm not saying there aren't purposes for modern medicine, but they should not be taken without a second thought. Herbs, clean eating, and exercise have been my 'medicine'. And I'm thankful I had the common sense to look further into it. And doesn't that really make more sense to be nutritious, rather than popping a pill to mask the real problem? I really wish, as a society, that we could get away from treating symptoms, and instead promoting healthy living. But I'd say that's wishful thinking at this point in our society.
I am thankful for my select family and friends who have respected my decision to be free of drugs. I am truly indebted to the leaf lady. And I am forever happy for my mama, who always encourages and challenges me to be a better person, do my research, and be my recipe-sharing confidant. Without her, my quest wouldn't have even begun. I'd be Bilbo Baggins in Bag End, living blissfully unaware in the Shire. I guess in this case, mom would be Gandalf. I like Gandalf. :)
NO FLARES.
But this doesn't mean I'm in the clear. It doesn't mean I can stop the regime I am doing. It doesn't mean I can 'ease up a bit' on my strict diet. On the contrary, I must stay the course.
Like many of my life choices, my decisions aren't necessarily understood; as a result, I find myself sort of hiding my decisions. I didn't necessarily go around telling my co-workers, friends, or family that I got off my medication that helped me achieve remission after over a year of horrible pain, bloody stools, and frequent trips to the emergency room and Mayo. That's because I still live with the fear that I may flare again and I don't want to hear 'I told you so'. Because I fear flaring, I treat my diet and exercise like a religion. I rarely stray, and when I do, I feel a lot of guilt. I recently had a 'fun size' candy bar and the guilt I felt after it perhaps made it not worth how delicious it was! I'm not saying you shouldn't treat yourself every once in a while, but when you fear one food triggering a domino effect of symptoms, you find yourself acknowledging processed, sugary foods as poison itself.
In addition to running, I've started implementing circuit training and the practice of yoga. I don't have a gym membership. I intend to run outside until the snow falls. I take screen shots of Instagram fitness accounts' photos that show you different circuit workouts and have found them to be very effective. And I have several yoga DVDs at home. I still have to give myself pep talks, though, to work out....every time. Once I get going, I am fine, but I drag my feet to get around to it. And I think that's pretty normal.
But, primarily, abs are made in the kitchen. And I don't say that lightly! I used to work out quite frequently before I had Oliver. I did running, weight training, yoga, circuits, aerobics. I was probably at the gym 3-4 times a week. But I wouldn't say I was necessarily in peak physical condition, or really felt great. This is because I was drinking pop, eating junk food, and of course, those evil evil grains and processed sugars. Since eliminating these things and getting back to our Neanderthal roots, I've found that eating Paleo enhances and prepares my body for physical activity. I don't feel heavy or weighed down while running. I don't feel like I'm going to barf after doing a few rounds of a circuit. I'm so proud of myself and my body! It's honing into a lean, muscular temple. I don't feel ashamed saying that because it's true and I worked my ass off (literally) to get to this point. I love looking in the mirror and smiling because my reflection is saying "you go, girl! You proved you medical 'professionals', yourself, and all the haters wrong!" I don't know if I necessarily have haters, but those of you who are lurking in the corner, waiting for me to relapse...you're a hater. Go away.
Don't be ignorant or dormant; be proactive! I challenge YOU to give this a try. Walk a month in my shoes and see how amazing the results are. Do your research and really look into what you are putting in your body. The results may scare you. I learn lots of new things in the kitchen while I do my continued research of a Paleo lifestyle. I can't tell you how important it is to continue to educate yourself. When you know better, you do better. I know better than to trust big corporations, pharmaceuticals, and the FDA. I put my trust in what God provided on planet Earth is what's truly needed for a healthy species. I'm not saying there aren't purposes for modern medicine, but they should not be taken without a second thought. Herbs, clean eating, and exercise have been my 'medicine'. And I'm thankful I had the common sense to look further into it. And doesn't that really make more sense to be nutritious, rather than popping a pill to mask the real problem? I really wish, as a society, that we could get away from treating symptoms, and instead promoting healthy living. But I'd say that's wishful thinking at this point in our society.
I am thankful for my select family and friends who have respected my decision to be free of drugs. I am truly indebted to the leaf lady. And I am forever happy for my mama, who always encourages and challenges me to be a better person, do my research, and be my recipe-sharing confidant. Without her, my quest wouldn't have even begun. I'd be Bilbo Baggins in Bag End, living blissfully unaware in the Shire. I guess in this case, mom would be Gandalf. I like Gandalf. :)
Monday, September 22, 2014
In Middle School again...??...
Recently, I started volunteering as a coach and mentor for a program at the local school called Girls on Track or Girls on the Run. It's an after school program that encourages and uplifts young girls by instilling self-confidence, promoting healthy lifestyles, and aiding in the daily struggles they face, such as bullying, negativity, and eating disorders. I've found it to be empowering for me as a coach and also a learning experience. Currently, I am assisting with Girls on Track, which is for middle school girls. I listen to what these girls go through at school and their home life and I leave them feeling sad. I leave them thinking 'man, I'm so glad I was home-schooled in middle school'. I leave them feeling helpless. The main contributors to their struggles? Peers and parents. I suppose it's to be expected that their peers would be part of their distress. Girls fight, cat fight, passive aggressive fight, play the silent game, pick sides, bully, manipulate. But parents? I've heard at least half of these girls admit that they never see their parents, they feel like their parents don't care, and that they feel their parents love their siblings more than the them. I feel bad for these girls. I feel bad that their parents are always gone, always playing video games, never come to their activities, dote on their baby brother, feed them Doritos for supper, etc. It makes me mad at these parents and I don't know what to tell these girls, other than, your parents are being lazy pieces of crap and I'm sorry.
But what may be just as disturbing is that the emotions they are going through as middle schoolers truly isn't much different than emotions I go through as a grown woman.
Disappointment
I'm disappointed in how hard it still is to maintain a friendship. I'm disappointed that as women, we still can't learn to support each other despite our differences of opinion and choices we make in our lives. While middle school friendships may be on a rocky path due to Susie talking to Julie, even though the rest of her friends aren't talking to her because she wore an ugly shirt.... Adult friendships become rocky because our lives take a different path. One of them is in a relationship and the other isn't. Or perhaps, one of them had a child and the other person couldn't connect with them anymore. Instead of being supportive, we tear each other down. I had an encounter this weekend where someone belittled one of my proudest and greatest accomplishments. In that moment, I had to decide whether I wanted to argue with this person and make it into a tense he said/she said moment or just let it go. I decided to not say anything because I didn't want to feed into what was likely bait for an argument. But afterwards, I second-guessed my response to the situation and wondered if I should have stuck to my guns and defended my choices. Either way, this person knew how I felt about this situation and decided to poke and prod me. This was uncalled for and negative. My gosh, we are grown women and still doing the same middle school shit we did half a lifetime ago. When will we grow up?
Low Self-confidence and Low Self-esteem
Judas. I'm a fit woman. I eat healthy. I promote healthy living. I love my body! I am confident in my choices as a mother, and as a wife. And yet, I often second-guess my choices. I see 'super moms' and crazy gorgeous women living their 'perfect' lives and think, hmmm, how do they do it all!?! How do they find the time to maintain two full time jobs: a career and being a mom, not to mention being a wife. How can I be more like her? Why do I suck so bad at life?! What did she do to deserve such an awesome life?! Why does it feel like I'm busting my ass every day to 'do it all'?! The self-doubt creeps in and I become resentful and bitter. I hate those women that get 'the good life', that 'are perfect wife and mother'..... where being a wife and role model just looks so damn easy. And, maybe it isn't easy and they're just being fake. But here's me being me. Being a wife is hard when you become a mother. Travis and my one-on-one time took a big cut. It's all about Oliver. But realistically, it has to be about him... mostly. Oliver isn't self-sufficient. He isn't shitting in the pot, cooking his own food, running his own bath water, putting himself to bed. He hasn't mastered driving himself places yet, either. He STILL can't climb up onto furniture! lol. It's pretty comical to watch, actually. I think he's just too 'husky'. Last I checked, Travis can do all those things. And I have to stop being so frickin' hard on myself that I can't be super mom and have a perfect house and 3 course dinners every day when I'm working outside the home. Maybe others are judging me, but I'm judging myself even harder. I need to cut it out.
I want to tell these girls that this petty shit they are facing now will be in the past and that once they're grown up, they won't face this stuff ever again. The truth is, they'll face it every day. Well into adulthood. I want to tell them that middle school is just a phase and once it's over, it's clear sailing. That's bullshit. Instead I have to tell them to build their resolve cuz it ain't gettin' any easier, girlfriend. They'll continue to battle for dying friendships. There will be times when they will feel lost and lonely in a sea of uncaring people. They will feel their confidence shaking and self-doubt rearing its' ugly head. They will question their choices as negativity pokes and prods at their resolve. I want to tell them to hold onto to something they know is good and right and pure. I want to tell them that they are bad-ass. I want to tell them they have so much goodness and beauty and power that nothing will get in their way. I want to tell them I believe in their capacity for becoming strong, capable, independent women.
Girl, I am here for you. Friend, I am here for you. Husband, I am here for you. Son, I am here for you. Family, I am here for you. I'm here to tell you that you matter to someone, somewhere. You have a purpose. You mean everything to someone. You light up someone's world. You fuel someone's fire. You are a good person. You are a meaningful friend, sibling, daughter, child, mentor, woman. Your resolve gives me strength. Your belief in something truly unshakeable and pure gives me hope. Thank you for taking the world on your shoulders. Thank you for being you. And thank you for reminding me to love and congratulate ME. I'm awesome and I needed to hear that. Now go be awesome!
But what may be just as disturbing is that the emotions they are going through as middle schoolers truly isn't much different than emotions I go through as a grown woman.
Disappointment
I'm disappointed in how hard it still is to maintain a friendship. I'm disappointed that as women, we still can't learn to support each other despite our differences of opinion and choices we make in our lives. While middle school friendships may be on a rocky path due to Susie talking to Julie, even though the rest of her friends aren't talking to her because she wore an ugly shirt.... Adult friendships become rocky because our lives take a different path. One of them is in a relationship and the other isn't. Or perhaps, one of them had a child and the other person couldn't connect with them anymore. Instead of being supportive, we tear each other down. I had an encounter this weekend where someone belittled one of my proudest and greatest accomplishments. In that moment, I had to decide whether I wanted to argue with this person and make it into a tense he said/she said moment or just let it go. I decided to not say anything because I didn't want to feed into what was likely bait for an argument. But afterwards, I second-guessed my response to the situation and wondered if I should have stuck to my guns and defended my choices. Either way, this person knew how I felt about this situation and decided to poke and prod me. This was uncalled for and negative. My gosh, we are grown women and still doing the same middle school shit we did half a lifetime ago. When will we grow up?
Low Self-confidence and Low Self-esteem
Judas. I'm a fit woman. I eat healthy. I promote healthy living. I love my body! I am confident in my choices as a mother, and as a wife. And yet, I often second-guess my choices. I see 'super moms' and crazy gorgeous women living their 'perfect' lives and think, hmmm, how do they do it all!?! How do they find the time to maintain two full time jobs: a career and being a mom, not to mention being a wife. How can I be more like her? Why do I suck so bad at life?! What did she do to deserve such an awesome life?! Why does it feel like I'm busting my ass every day to 'do it all'?! The self-doubt creeps in and I become resentful and bitter. I hate those women that get 'the good life', that 'are perfect wife and mother'..... where being a wife and role model just looks so damn easy. And, maybe it isn't easy and they're just being fake. But here's me being me. Being a wife is hard when you become a mother. Travis and my one-on-one time took a big cut. It's all about Oliver. But realistically, it has to be about him... mostly. Oliver isn't self-sufficient. He isn't shitting in the pot, cooking his own food, running his own bath water, putting himself to bed. He hasn't mastered driving himself places yet, either. He STILL can't climb up onto furniture! lol. It's pretty comical to watch, actually. I think he's just too 'husky'. Last I checked, Travis can do all those things. And I have to stop being so frickin' hard on myself that I can't be super mom and have a perfect house and 3 course dinners every day when I'm working outside the home. Maybe others are judging me, but I'm judging myself even harder. I need to cut it out.
I want to tell these girls that this petty shit they are facing now will be in the past and that once they're grown up, they won't face this stuff ever again. The truth is, they'll face it every day. Well into adulthood. I want to tell them that middle school is just a phase and once it's over, it's clear sailing. That's bullshit. Instead I have to tell them to build their resolve cuz it ain't gettin' any easier, girlfriend. They'll continue to battle for dying friendships. There will be times when they will feel lost and lonely in a sea of uncaring people. They will feel their confidence shaking and self-doubt rearing its' ugly head. They will question their choices as negativity pokes and prods at their resolve. I want to tell them to hold onto to something they know is good and right and pure. I want to tell them that they are bad-ass. I want to tell them they have so much goodness and beauty and power that nothing will get in their way. I want to tell them I believe in their capacity for becoming strong, capable, independent women.
Girl, I am here for you. Friend, I am here for you. Husband, I am here for you. Son, I am here for you. Family, I am here for you. I'm here to tell you that you matter to someone, somewhere. You have a purpose. You mean everything to someone. You light up someone's world. You fuel someone's fire. You are a good person. You are a meaningful friend, sibling, daughter, child, mentor, woman. Your resolve gives me strength. Your belief in something truly unshakeable and pure gives me hope. Thank you for taking the world on your shoulders. Thank you for being you. And thank you for reminding me to love and congratulate ME. I'm awesome and I needed to hear that. Now go be awesome!
Monday, August 18, 2014
PPD This shit is REAL
I'm almost two years out.... I had my kid almost TWO YEARS AGO. And it's taken me until fairly recent to realize that I had postpartum depression and still may have traces of it.... and that's OK.
It wasn't until I took a step back and saw how different things were in my life and how I wasn't sure I was 'ok' with these changes that made me realize I am still struggling with my post partum lifestyle change.
I want to be clear that I don't regret getting pregnant and having Oliver. He is my joy, my steadfast light, my pride. I can't imagine life without him. And yet, having him, brought a tumult of emotions and raw new feelings I'd never experienced and makes me shudder to think of re-living those.
My Body
My body went through some serious shit creating Mr. O. In the first trimester alone, I lost 15 pounds. I barely made it to work. There were many days I could hardly lift my head or turn over in bed without retching into a trash can. I had several visits to the hospital for IV fluids. I wanted to die. There were many moments I truly would have rather died than wake up and suffer through another day. Not to mention the hormones that are catapulting through your system. Pregnancy is supposed to be a happy, glowing time and I found myself resenting the child inside of me for slowly ruining my esophogus, my career, my relationships, my emotions. I resented pregnancy. I resented my husband for not truly being able to understand my turmoil. He was so helpless. There was nothing he could do. I resented other pregnant women who had 'easy breezy' pregnancies. I resented their doting and knowing husbands. I resented their ease of being a stay at home mom or wife and not having to worry about keeping their job to pay bills. I resented them going to their jobs and being able to carry on other than occasional swollen ankles. I resented that they didn't have to run to the bathroom while trying to catch acidic vomit pouring down their clothes. I resented it all.
The Birth Itself
As you can imagine, when my OB agreed to do an elective induction at my EDD, I was beyond thrilled. Who wouldn't want this hellish experience over?! Looking back, that wasn't a sound decision but it's done now and I can't change it. That's not to say I had a traumatic birth experience. Indeed, it went all 'according to plan'. I delivered within the time frame that the OB would expect me to. Oliver was a very healthy baby and I didn't have any major medical issues. But because Oliver wasn't allowed to progress in the natural way God intended, I believe my emotional state wasn't able to prepare for Oliver's arrival.
The Arrival
When Oliver did arrive, I was just finishing up retching into one of those lovely blue hospital barf bags. Once he announced his arrival, my nausea vanished. And in those few moments, I had to transfer from sickly exhausted pregnant lady to mother. I had to step up and do my duties: feed, burp, change diapers, care for my completely dependent wrinkly, red child. A laundry list of responsibilities greeted me as I wiped the vomit off my face and readied myself for motherhood. And while these responsibilities were daunting, I had prepared as best I could. However, one cannot prepare for the emotions you will have to process, nor the physical healing process of your very first vaginal birth. The midwife that delivered Oliver did a wonderful job (according to my mom, who was pretty much right beside her), she stretched and prepared me, helped Oliver ease out, etc. But, having never delivered a bowling ball out of my nostril before, that first delivery is going to leave your lady bits messed up. Especially if you have a larger baby. Oliver was 8'5" and I know women deliver much larger, but I'm going to go ahead and assume that delivering a 5-6 pound baby would be less grevious than 8+. When the epidural wore off and I started to really feel that pain, I was completely miserable. Nothing would make it feel better. Baths and showers stung, going to the bathroom was terror-inducing, sitting down on a hard surface was excrutiating. Don't even get me going on post-partum sex.
At Home
If you read my post about breastfeeding, you'd know that it was a really rough start. Add that to everything else I just mentioned and I was in a sorry state. In addition, there is no time to sort through these emotions as the only time you have is consumed by caring for your precious bundle. I had no time to process my thoughts, emotions, and relief and no longer being sickly. Pregnancy was like having a chronic illness and I 'miraculously recovered' but instead of being relieved or rejoicing, I had a whole new basket case of maladies.
My relationship with my spouse suffered big time with the start of this and it is still slowly on the mend. There are many days I just can't sift through all my feelings, mental and physical. I still struggle with both. My 2nd degree tear didn't heal well and I have to deal with that for the rest of my life. That shit's depressing.
You can't expect a child will magically fit into your fabulous freshly-or-seasoned married life. Your child will define your new life. And boy, what a life. I am so blessed. I am blessed by an ever-understanding and patient husband who would go to the moon and back for me and love me with every breath he takes until we return to the dust. I am blessed by my beautiful baby boy who has made me a better person, better wife, daughter, sister. He is the glue to my chaotic existence.
So as the bassinet gets booted out of the house, infant toys and baby equipment go into storage, and my breastpump collects dust, I feel such a tremendous relief that we SURVIVED it. It made me realize that I was trying to pass off my struggles as 'normal' and I kept a lot of my feelings in. I didn't want to appear weak or unable to care for myself or my child or my family. It was a rough couple years. This is the part that pastors refer to '.....in bad times' in wedding vows. Thank God as humans we are given a certain resilience.
I'm aware many people don't understand depression (post partum or otherwise), and that's because they never suffered it or witnessed someone close to them suffer through it, but that doesn't mean it doesn't exist. And it certainly doesn't mean you have the right to judge; we merely wish for support.
I'm almost two years out and sometimes my life is a mess but I can truthfully look around and say 'what a beautiful mess'.
It wasn't until I took a step back and saw how different things were in my life and how I wasn't sure I was 'ok' with these changes that made me realize I am still struggling with my post partum lifestyle change.
I want to be clear that I don't regret getting pregnant and having Oliver. He is my joy, my steadfast light, my pride. I can't imagine life without him. And yet, having him, brought a tumult of emotions and raw new feelings I'd never experienced and makes me shudder to think of re-living those.
My Body
My body went through some serious shit creating Mr. O. In the first trimester alone, I lost 15 pounds. I barely made it to work. There were many days I could hardly lift my head or turn over in bed without retching into a trash can. I had several visits to the hospital for IV fluids. I wanted to die. There were many moments I truly would have rather died than wake up and suffer through another day. Not to mention the hormones that are catapulting through your system. Pregnancy is supposed to be a happy, glowing time and I found myself resenting the child inside of me for slowly ruining my esophogus, my career, my relationships, my emotions. I resented pregnancy. I resented my husband for not truly being able to understand my turmoil. He was so helpless. There was nothing he could do. I resented other pregnant women who had 'easy breezy' pregnancies. I resented their doting and knowing husbands. I resented their ease of being a stay at home mom or wife and not having to worry about keeping their job to pay bills. I resented them going to their jobs and being able to carry on other than occasional swollen ankles. I resented that they didn't have to run to the bathroom while trying to catch acidic vomit pouring down their clothes. I resented it all.
The Birth Itself
As you can imagine, when my OB agreed to do an elective induction at my EDD, I was beyond thrilled. Who wouldn't want this hellish experience over?! Looking back, that wasn't a sound decision but it's done now and I can't change it. That's not to say I had a traumatic birth experience. Indeed, it went all 'according to plan'. I delivered within the time frame that the OB would expect me to. Oliver was a very healthy baby and I didn't have any major medical issues. But because Oliver wasn't allowed to progress in the natural way God intended, I believe my emotional state wasn't able to prepare for Oliver's arrival.
The Arrival
When Oliver did arrive, I was just finishing up retching into one of those lovely blue hospital barf bags. Once he announced his arrival, my nausea vanished. And in those few moments, I had to transfer from sickly exhausted pregnant lady to mother. I had to step up and do my duties: feed, burp, change diapers, care for my completely dependent wrinkly, red child. A laundry list of responsibilities greeted me as I wiped the vomit off my face and readied myself for motherhood. And while these responsibilities were daunting, I had prepared as best I could. However, one cannot prepare for the emotions you will have to process, nor the physical healing process of your very first vaginal birth. The midwife that delivered Oliver did a wonderful job (according to my mom, who was pretty much right beside her), she stretched and prepared me, helped Oliver ease out, etc. But, having never delivered a bowling ball out of my nostril before, that first delivery is going to leave your lady bits messed up. Especially if you have a larger baby. Oliver was 8'5" and I know women deliver much larger, but I'm going to go ahead and assume that delivering a 5-6 pound baby would be less grevious than 8+. When the epidural wore off and I started to really feel that pain, I was completely miserable. Nothing would make it feel better. Baths and showers stung, going to the bathroom was terror-inducing, sitting down on a hard surface was excrutiating. Don't even get me going on post-partum sex.
At Home
If you read my post about breastfeeding, you'd know that it was a really rough start. Add that to everything else I just mentioned and I was in a sorry state. In addition, there is no time to sort through these emotions as the only time you have is consumed by caring for your precious bundle. I had no time to process my thoughts, emotions, and relief and no longer being sickly. Pregnancy was like having a chronic illness and I 'miraculously recovered' but instead of being relieved or rejoicing, I had a whole new basket case of maladies.
My relationship with my spouse suffered big time with the start of this and it is still slowly on the mend. There are many days I just can't sift through all my feelings, mental and physical. I still struggle with both. My 2nd degree tear didn't heal well and I have to deal with that for the rest of my life. That shit's depressing.
You can't expect a child will magically fit into your fabulous freshly-or-seasoned married life. Your child will define your new life. And boy, what a life. I am so blessed. I am blessed by an ever-understanding and patient husband who would go to the moon and back for me and love me with every breath he takes until we return to the dust. I am blessed by my beautiful baby boy who has made me a better person, better wife, daughter, sister. He is the glue to my chaotic existence.
So as the bassinet gets booted out of the house, infant toys and baby equipment go into storage, and my breastpump collects dust, I feel such a tremendous relief that we SURVIVED it. It made me realize that I was trying to pass off my struggles as 'normal' and I kept a lot of my feelings in. I didn't want to appear weak or unable to care for myself or my child or my family. It was a rough couple years. This is the part that pastors refer to '.....in bad times' in wedding vows. Thank God as humans we are given a certain resilience.
I'm aware many people don't understand depression (post partum or otherwise), and that's because they never suffered it or witnessed someone close to them suffer through it, but that doesn't mean it doesn't exist. And it certainly doesn't mean you have the right to judge; we merely wish for support.
I'm almost two years out and sometimes my life is a mess but I can truthfully look around and say 'what a beautiful mess'.
Tuesday, July 29, 2014
PALEO: How I do it and Why I love it
Paleo has become a passion of mine. If you follow me on Instagram @jessicamooch , Twitter @jessicamooch or Facebook, undoubtedly you've seen my somewhat obsessive, albeit excited posts and pics relating to eating paleo. The reason I post these photos and tweet is because I want others to know how ridiculously easy it is to eat paleo and more importantly, how super healthy it is for you.
Disclaimer: This was not something I did overnight. And, although I state it's easy, that doesn't mean I don't have struggles with this life choice. I can also assure you that Travis does NOT like paleo as he is a lover of bread and pasta. I'm trying to get him over to the dark side.... muahahahaha.
HOW I DO IT
I'll start this off with a confession. I drink coffee with *gasp* creamer, French vanilla to be exact. Lord, how would I start the day any other way? 1-2 cups and no caffeine after 10 am. Coffee creamer is NOT paleo, but I never said I followed it religiously. I'd say I'm more 80/20. For breakfast, I usually eat oatmeal with chia seeds (superfood!), or fruit. By mid-morning, I get the munchies so I eat one of my coconut butter melts or more fruit. I've found being prepared helps tremendously to keep one from visiting the vending machine for junk food. Coconut butter melts are basically coconut butter (the meat and oils of coconut pureed into a butter consistency), then I usually add raw local honey, chia seeds, and either fruit or chocolate vegan protein powder. Place into molds in the fridge, and your hunger is satiated in a couple bites, plus, it's paleo and SUPER yummy. I keep those at work. I also keep a baggie of nuts or dried fruit or my homemade fruit leather or fruit roll ups. Hint: If someone wants to get me a gift, I'd like a food dehydrater.
Lunch time. Once again, being prepared. If I don't bring leftovers or food for lunch, I'm screwed. I've started taking a gallon size baggie of spinach or kale to work in the event I do get hungry throughout the day or my lunch wasn't enough. Lifesaver!
Supper, I haven't altered too much at home. Except if I cook with pasta, I get the gluten free kind (not paleo, but better than wheat or whole grains), and if there's bread, I just don't eat it. We eat lots of fresh veggies from the garden or farmer's market or grandma's garden. And I feel ZERO guilt eating a huge, juicy, bloody steak or having 2nd or 3rd helpings as long as it's meat or veggies.
Snacks for me are fruit or yogurt (not paleo), protein shakes or fruit smoothies. Oliver also LOVES my smoothie concoctions and any Annie's organic snacks - the Cheddar Bunnies, the fruit snacks, the knock off teddy grahams, and above all, he LIVES for Annie's organic mac-n-cheese (fortunately, I can get a variety pack of 12 boxes at Costco for a deal!)
Paleo, for me, is about making careful nutritious choices. Or, a lesser of the evils choice. For example, Oliver loves hot dogs, like any kid. When we get hot dots, I buy turkey franks. I also try to buy organic, grass fed meats. (Travis wasn't too keen on the idea of me having chickens in the yard.... party pooper). For you boozers out there *nervously looks away*, most wines are gluten free and there are some apple ales/hard cider that are gluten free (less of the evils). Avoid summer shandy's, wheat beers, blue moon, and dark alcohol. If you're gonna have the hard stuff, go with clear liquids, like vodka, gin, tequila (the clear one....is it silver??).
Now, the backbone to my paleo transformation comes from replacing basics from my cupboards. Toss out your white flour, distilled white sugar, cornstarch, and margarine. In their place, have gluten free flour (made from flax seed meal, quinoa, etc), organic cane sugar, arrowroot powder, coconut oil, organic butter or ghee. Finally, destroy all FOOD DYES!!!!
WHY I LOVE IT
Can you imagine never feeling bloated, lethargic, and/or weighed down? I knew that gluten was 'bad' and I knew certain foods made me feel shitty, but being able to narrow it down to wheat and grains and sugar was eye-opening. I read through many cook books, blogs, and studies, but finally found a 'hard facts', historical evidence, light-bulb-turning-on book to fully understand what I was about to undergo....The Paleo Manifesto.
It gives the scientific and historical background of the paleo lifestyle or "caveman diet". Genetically, our bodies are designed to eat meat, fruits, veggies, and nuts - essentially what nature provides or grows. NOT grains and processed food and sugars. The early humans lived off the land and what nature provided. When the agricultural boom started and grains were planted and introduced, scientists discovered that the skeletal remains of the humans after this monumental point in history actually had far worse dental decay, brittle bones, and died young largely from chronic inflammatory diseases. Those of the 'cavemen' had strong bones, little to no decay in their teeth, and minimal indication of disease, and were actually significantly taller. Unfortunately, for our early ancestors, their issue wasn't their diet, it was survival of the fittest against beasts and other mammals as well as natural elements. Paleo is what our bodies were meant to do/eat/live. Yes, we evolve, as science shows millennia after millennia, but what grains and gluten and processed sugar have done for the human digestive system is appalling and inflammatory!
Try a month of paleo or 'mostly paleo', heck! try 2 weeks! I challenge you.... I double dog dare you! This is nutrition and general well-being. I don't count points or calories. I don't step on a scale every day. I don't get measurements.
So forgive my obnoxious #paleo posts and indulge me my joy toward being the healthy woman God created me to be.
.JPG)
Disclaimer: This was not something I did overnight. And, although I state it's easy, that doesn't mean I don't have struggles with this life choice. I can also assure you that Travis does NOT like paleo as he is a lover of bread and pasta. I'm trying to get him over to the dark side.... muahahahaha.
HOW I DO IT
I'll start this off with a confession. I drink coffee with *gasp* creamer, French vanilla to be exact. Lord, how would I start the day any other way? 1-2 cups and no caffeine after 10 am. Coffee creamer is NOT paleo, but I never said I followed it religiously. I'd say I'm more 80/20. For breakfast, I usually eat oatmeal with chia seeds (superfood!), or fruit. By mid-morning, I get the munchies so I eat one of my coconut butter melts or more fruit. I've found being prepared helps tremendously to keep one from visiting the vending machine for junk food. Coconut butter melts are basically coconut butter (the meat and oils of coconut pureed into a butter consistency), then I usually add raw local honey, chia seeds, and either fruit or chocolate vegan protein powder. Place into molds in the fridge, and your hunger is satiated in a couple bites, plus, it's paleo and SUPER yummy. I keep those at work. I also keep a baggie of nuts or dried fruit or my homemade fruit leather or fruit roll ups. Hint: If someone wants to get me a gift, I'd like a food dehydrater.
 |
| Strawberry and peach fruit roll ups - sweetened with raw local honey |
Lunch time. Once again, being prepared. If I don't bring leftovers or food for lunch, I'm screwed. I've started taking a gallon size baggie of spinach or kale to work in the event I do get hungry throughout the day or my lunch wasn't enough. Lifesaver!
.JPG) |
| This Amazon coconut water is, by far, the BEST coconut water on earth!! |
Supper, I haven't altered too much at home. Except if I cook with pasta, I get the gluten free kind (not paleo, but better than wheat or whole grains), and if there's bread, I just don't eat it. We eat lots of fresh veggies from the garden or farmer's market or grandma's garden. And I feel ZERO guilt eating a huge, juicy, bloody steak or having 2nd or 3rd helpings as long as it's meat or veggies.
Snacks for me are fruit or yogurt (not paleo), protein shakes or fruit smoothies. Oliver also LOVES my smoothie concoctions and any Annie's organic snacks - the Cheddar Bunnies, the fruit snacks, the knock off teddy grahams, and above all, he LIVES for Annie's organic mac-n-cheese (fortunately, I can get a variety pack of 12 boxes at Costco for a deal!)
.JPG) |
| This blend was two bananas, ice, almond butter, almond milk, and egg white protein powder. Stay away from soy and whey!!! (hey! that rhymed! :P) |
Paleo, for me, is about making careful nutritious choices. Or, a lesser of the evils choice. For example, Oliver loves hot dogs, like any kid. When we get hot dots, I buy turkey franks. I also try to buy organic, grass fed meats. (Travis wasn't too keen on the idea of me having chickens in the yard.... party pooper). For you boozers out there *nervously looks away*, most wines are gluten free and there are some apple ales/hard cider that are gluten free (less of the evils). Avoid summer shandy's, wheat beers, blue moon, and dark alcohol. If you're gonna have the hard stuff, go with clear liquids, like vodka, gin, tequila (the clear one....is it silver??).
Now, the backbone to my paleo transformation comes from replacing basics from my cupboards. Toss out your white flour, distilled white sugar, cornstarch, and margarine. In their place, have gluten free flour (made from flax seed meal, quinoa, etc), organic cane sugar, arrowroot powder, coconut oil, organic butter or ghee. Finally, destroy all FOOD DYES!!!!
WHY I LOVE IT
Can you imagine never feeling bloated, lethargic, and/or weighed down? I knew that gluten was 'bad' and I knew certain foods made me feel shitty, but being able to narrow it down to wheat and grains and sugar was eye-opening. I read through many cook books, blogs, and studies, but finally found a 'hard facts', historical evidence, light-bulb-turning-on book to fully understand what I was about to undergo....The Paleo Manifesto.
Try a month of paleo or 'mostly paleo', heck! try 2 weeks! I challenge you.... I double dog dare you! This is nutrition and general well-being. I don't count points or calories. I don't step on a scale every day. I don't get measurements.
So forgive my obnoxious #paleo posts and indulge me my joy toward being the healthy woman God created me to be.
Tuesday, July 8, 2014
Sleep woes and tattoos
Things are ... quiet. Meaning my body is functioning properly. I have had no flares, discomfort, diarrhea, constipation, bleeding, nothing. I have regular BM's (as mom calls them). My last Remicade IV infusion was March 2014. Since about that time, I have also been free from other medications. That's 4 months without prescribed medications! I haven't been free from medication in probably almost 10 years. It's liberating and a little scary.
I will say this, I still struggle sleeping. The reason I loved Ambien SO MUCH is because that shit works. I could drink an espresso at 9pm, take 10 mg of Ambien, and i'd be snoozing within 20 minutes. Now? Well, despite the couple of herbs and holistic/homeopathic measures I have tried, I still struggle to fall asleep and stay asleep. I'm probably getting 6 hours average a night, which is terrible for so many reasons. Ironically, my kid finally starts sleeping 11 hours straight at night and I can't even sleep when he is. That is probably more frustrating than anything. So, I don't want to say that all my endeavors are necessarily a success....yet. But that's ok. I'm not going to give up trying to find something that will work for me. If I could just do an 'on/off' switch for my brain, i'd be the happiest girl alive! That's my problem - I cannot shut my brain off. I lay there and think
"yay! If I fall asleep in the next 30 minutes, I'll get about 7 hours of sleep".....45 minutes later, "crap, I hope I fall asleep soon, I'm only going to get 6 hours if I'm lucky"....goes over agenda for tomorrow .....work stuff.....did Oliver poop today?.....crap, when did I schedule my haircut?.....i wish I had more money.....mo' money mo' problems.....I LOVE my new tattoo.....maybe I should check on Oliver?.....what if he stopped breathing????!!!!????......stop being paranoid, he's fine...........what is Travis DOING downstairs til 12:30?!......probably watching Dr. Who......I should file my nails.....ugh, if i don't fall asleep soon, I'm only going to get 5 hours of sleep......I wonder what my Sanford balance is.....I wish I had more money.......maybe we should get a minivan........I wish Oliver ate better tonight.......He's so cute.....I have the cutest baby ever!!!........why am I still awake??!!.....
I've tried Valerian root, calms forte, teas. I just don't know if I truly have the capability of falling asleep in under 2 hours and getting continuous restful sleep. The only period of time that I was getting decent sleep was when Oliver actually was sleeping through the night and I was taking Ambien. I am now struggling with whether I want to get back on it.
Alluding to my LOVE my tattoo statement, I got a tattoo on Saturday. It says and the sun shone upon her. It's from Lord of the Rings Return of the King. The context of the text is Eowyn, the Elven princess realizes she is in love. At that point, she doesn't want to be a swordslayer anymore. She wants to nurture and love things that grow. The line is “And then her heart changed, or at least she understood it; and the winter passed, and the sun shone upon her.” I felt this was appropriate for me. When Oliver came earth side, something in me changed. I felt a different kind of love. Not necessarily the love I have for Travis, which is expansive and wonderful and almost telepathic. This kind of love was a nurturing love, a fierce protecting type of love. I wanted to provide for him the way God has provided for me by meeting mammal's needs when he created Earth. I wanted to be whole and clean and pure for him and our relationship. I wanted to give him the best breastmilk I could provide. I wanted to give him an optimal beginning. This was Eowyn's enlightening. This is my journey.
Genesis 1:29 - And God said, Behold, I have given you every herb bearing seed, which [is] upon the face of all the earth, and every tree, in the which [is] the fruit of a tree yielding seed; to you it shall be for meat.
Genesis 9:3 - Every moving thing that liveth shall be meat for you; even as the green herb have I given you all things.
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I will say this, I still struggle sleeping. The reason I loved Ambien SO MUCH is because that shit works. I could drink an espresso at 9pm, take 10 mg of Ambien, and i'd be snoozing within 20 minutes. Now? Well, despite the couple of herbs and holistic/homeopathic measures I have tried, I still struggle to fall asleep and stay asleep. I'm probably getting 6 hours average a night, which is terrible for so many reasons. Ironically, my kid finally starts sleeping 11 hours straight at night and I can't even sleep when he is. That is probably more frustrating than anything. So, I don't want to say that all my endeavors are necessarily a success....yet. But that's ok. I'm not going to give up trying to find something that will work for me. If I could just do an 'on/off' switch for my brain, i'd be the happiest girl alive! That's my problem - I cannot shut my brain off. I lay there and think
"yay! If I fall asleep in the next 30 minutes, I'll get about 7 hours of sleep".....45 minutes later, "crap, I hope I fall asleep soon, I'm only going to get 6 hours if I'm lucky"....goes over agenda for tomorrow .....work stuff.....did Oliver poop today?.....crap, when did I schedule my haircut?.....i wish I had more money.....mo' money mo' problems.....I LOVE my new tattoo.....maybe I should check on Oliver?.....what if he stopped breathing????!!!!????......stop being paranoid, he's fine...........what is Travis DOING downstairs til 12:30?!......probably watching Dr. Who......I should file my nails.....ugh, if i don't fall asleep soon, I'm only going to get 5 hours of sleep......I wonder what my Sanford balance is.....I wish I had more money.......maybe we should get a minivan........I wish Oliver ate better tonight.......He's so cute.....I have the cutest baby ever!!!........why am I still awake??!!.....
I've tried Valerian root, calms forte, teas. I just don't know if I truly have the capability of falling asleep in under 2 hours and getting continuous restful sleep. The only period of time that I was getting decent sleep was when Oliver actually was sleeping through the night and I was taking Ambien. I am now struggling with whether I want to get back on it.
Alluding to my LOVE my tattoo statement, I got a tattoo on Saturday. It says and the sun shone upon her. It's from Lord of the Rings Return of the King. The context of the text is Eowyn, the Elven princess realizes she is in love. At that point, she doesn't want to be a swordslayer anymore. She wants to nurture and love things that grow. The line is “And then her heart changed, or at least she understood it; and the winter passed, and the sun shone upon her.” I felt this was appropriate for me. When Oliver came earth side, something in me changed. I felt a different kind of love. Not necessarily the love I have for Travis, which is expansive and wonderful and almost telepathic. This kind of love was a nurturing love, a fierce protecting type of love. I wanted to provide for him the way God has provided for me by meeting mammal's needs when he created Earth. I wanted to be whole and clean and pure for him and our relationship. I wanted to give him the best breastmilk I could provide. I wanted to give him an optimal beginning. This was Eowyn's enlightening. This is my journey.
Genesis 9:3 - Every moving thing that liveth shall be meat for you; even as the green herb have I given you all things.
Monday, June 16, 2014
Products for the Lactating mother
I often wonder how lactating women survived without the modern conveniences we have now! I can't imagine what they had to suffer without having a breast pump or lanolin nipple cream! It makes me cringe to think about it. I took full advantage of that very small section at the drug stores that offered breastfeeding mothers' products. You can find these squeezed at the end of the shelf next to the hundreds of cans of formula.
First and foremost:
Double Electric Breast Pump
I used the Medela Pump In Style. I was the third owner (that I know of). These things are hella-expensive but a friend gave me hers because she was done with it and she bought it from a second hand store. Brand new, they're over $200.00 but I have seen them occasionally at 2nd hand stores and garage sales for much cheaper. Having a double electric breast pump is ESSENTIAL for breastfeeding success as a working mother. Of course, having one regardless of working outside of the home is super beneficial. I spent countless hours in a freezing cold utility closet at work for 15 months pumping and if I didn't have a double electric pump and hand to hand express or do a single manual pump??.... that would be a full time job right there! In addition, it is also essential that you get a hands free bra. You can buy these (Medela makes one) so you can attach your shields and then still do other things while seated (other than have to hold those darn things), like go through paperwork, attend to your baby, putz around on FB, reach for the remote, etc. A very clever lactation consultant recommended I take an old bra and cut holes in the cups and use that instead of buying one. Brilliant!
Nipple Cream
I tried a couple different ones. The Lansinoh brand - it was like beeswax. Super sticky - not pliable, not conducive for application. Ultimately, I found the nectar of the Gods: Medela Lanolin nipple cream. It's an all natural product to soothe sore, chapped nipples and is safe for baby to ingest. If they sold it at Costco, I would have bought a bonus pack.
Breastmilk Freezer Storage Bags
I tried a LOT of these. Lansinoh, Nuk, Medela, Target brand, Walmart brand. Conclusion: Lansinoh hold at least 8 oz and a very tight 10 oz, are cheaper, and the only brand I actually could find coupons for. Having said that, the bags are thinner and I had about 12-15 bust open over the course of probably a couple hundred of these bags. So I tried to leave those as a last resort option. But because of the previously mentioned attributes (price and capacity), I ended up buying them more than I'd hoped to. Medela could only hold about 6 oz but were decent bags. My favorite (for the price, capacity and strength of bag) was the Nuk, with the Target off brand a close runner up. They held a good 8 oz and were very sturdy and laid well when frozen.
Medela Quick Clean Micro-Steam Bags
Because I'd pump 3-4 times a day at work, in addition to night time pumping, washing the parts became tedious and downright annoying. A friend told me about these and I was elated! One bag can steam clean at least 4 parts with just a couple oz of water in the microwave and you can reuse it 20X!! I still washed my parts but would often use this at work just for the ease of use and so I could get right back to work. Downright amazing!
Medela Quick Clean Wipes
Along that same line are the Quick Clean Wipes. I liked to keep a package of these up in my bedroom after night time pumping sessions.
Thera-Pearl 3 in 1
I discovered these at Lewis Drug while trying to find a good bottle/nipple for Oliver since he wasn't liking the bottle much after I'd gone back to work. I heated these up in the microwave for about 15 seconds before I pumped in the utility closet at work. The closet had to be kept at 60 degrees because of the electrical equipment so it was FRIGID while being topless pumping. These were a lifesaver for me. I'd heat them up then place them on top of my breastshields and kept nice and toasty. You can also freeze them. One of my co-workers actually went and bought these when she was going through a masectomy after I told her about how amazing they were. She found it to be quite beneficial since the pearls form around your breast and are not a typical freezer pack or heating pack. I also found them to be soothing while cold on my thrush-filled breasts.
Bottles for the Breastfed baby
Finally, I struggled profoundly looking for a bottle that Oliver would be able to make relatively easy transitions from breast to artificial nipple while I was at work. I tried Avent, Nuk, Medela, Tommy Tippee, Lansinoh, and then (per recommendation of another wonderful lactation consultant), the 1st Years Breastflow. I found that even the 'slow flow' nipples with most brands were incredibly FAST!!! They practically poured out! And because breastmilk is thinner than formula, it really was pouring out of those nipples and drowning poor Oliver. I was only able to find the 1st Years Breastflow online on Amazon or at a baby store and they only had a starter pack. The flow is a bit slower than any others I found and the nipple was much more pliable but (annoyingly) collapsible. Nonetheless, due to the flow, I just stuck with these ones.
I also got the Lansinoh Momma 'boob bottle' that my mom used occasionally with him. The bottle is shaped like a boob, so I guess it's supposed to be an easy transition. It was.... meh.
Maternity bras and nursing pads
This topic still kind of perturbs me. When I was in the throes of thrush, I was advised to wear 100% cotton bras. Do you know how hard it is to find 100% cotton nursing bras?! Impossible! I went to Motherhood Maternity, Target, online, you name it. Most are made with Lycra and silk. For real??!! What mother wants to wear a silk bra while her boobs are leaking and her nipples are bleeding? Eventually I found a couple mostly cotton at Target that fell apart after about 4-6 months. My favorite, though was the Medela Bravada bra. It was 95% cotton and a basic racer back with a wide band around the chest and easy to snap and unsnap cups. All the other 'cute' maternity bras with underwires and 'lift' are worthless and uncomfortable. I came to the conclusion that while I was nursing, I would never wear a 'cute' bra. I got over it pretty quick.
Along with that are nursing pads. I remember my mom always used reusable cloth ones and that seemed to work for her. They are quite popular with the 'crunchy mamas', especially the ones that cloth diaper, etc. Out of convenience (and as a mother I think we all truly do appreciate that), I usually used the Lansinoh brand disposable nursing pads. I did try Medela and Nuk but found that they didn't stay in place in the cup and were super thick and bulky. Lansinoh was the 'panty liner' of nursing pads, while the others seemed to be the 'overnight pads'.
Bottom line: Breastfeeding products are difficult to find and discouragingly expensive. I had to find a lot of these items online or at a medical equipment store and most were pricey. Target carried a lot of these items but were often out of stock. These hurdles hinder breastfeeding mothers, especially low income mothers. I do know that WIC helps cover costs of breast pumps, and most insurances help cover those costs, too. Also, if you're working, you can start a Flex account to try and help with some of the costs. I do know that the sanitizing cloths qualify for flex reimbursement. Unfortunately, the steam bags, nipple cream, and storage bags do not. Having said that, these products are still astronomically cheaper than formula feeding. This post is only to relay what I found to be most conducive/helpful for my needs and Oliver's. Unfortunately, these were all trial and error but if it helps any of you, I am happy to be at your disposal!
First and foremost:
Double Electric Breast Pump
I used the Medela Pump In Style. I was the third owner (that I know of). These things are hella-expensive but a friend gave me hers because she was done with it and she bought it from a second hand store. Brand new, they're over $200.00 but I have seen them occasionally at 2nd hand stores and garage sales for much cheaper. Having a double electric breast pump is ESSENTIAL for breastfeeding success as a working mother. Of course, having one regardless of working outside of the home is super beneficial. I spent countless hours in a freezing cold utility closet at work for 15 months pumping and if I didn't have a double electric pump and hand to hand express or do a single manual pump??.... that would be a full time job right there! In addition, it is also essential that you get a hands free bra. You can buy these (Medela makes one) so you can attach your shields and then still do other things while seated (other than have to hold those darn things), like go through paperwork, attend to your baby, putz around on FB, reach for the remote, etc. A very clever lactation consultant recommended I take an old bra and cut holes in the cups and use that instead of buying one. Brilliant!
 |
| I purchased my own bottles, flanges, cords, shields, etc at a baby store, a medical equipment store or Target. |
I tried a couple different ones. The Lansinoh brand - it was like beeswax. Super sticky - not pliable, not conducive for application. Ultimately, I found the nectar of the Gods: Medela Lanolin nipple cream. It's an all natural product to soothe sore, chapped nipples and is safe for baby to ingest. If they sold it at Costco, I would have bought a bonus pack.
Breastmilk Freezer Storage Bags
I tried a LOT of these. Lansinoh, Nuk, Medela, Target brand, Walmart brand. Conclusion: Lansinoh hold at least 8 oz and a very tight 10 oz, are cheaper, and the only brand I actually could find coupons for. Having said that, the bags are thinner and I had about 12-15 bust open over the course of probably a couple hundred of these bags. So I tried to leave those as a last resort option. But because of the previously mentioned attributes (price and capacity), I ended up buying them more than I'd hoped to. Medela could only hold about 6 oz but were decent bags. My favorite (for the price, capacity and strength of bag) was the Nuk, with the Target off brand a close runner up. They held a good 8 oz and were very sturdy and laid well when frozen.
Medela Quick Clean Micro-Steam Bags
Because I'd pump 3-4 times a day at work, in addition to night time pumping, washing the parts became tedious and downright annoying. A friend told me about these and I was elated! One bag can steam clean at least 4 parts with just a couple oz of water in the microwave and you can reuse it 20X!! I still washed my parts but would often use this at work just for the ease of use and so I could get right back to work. Downright amazing!
Medela Quick Clean Wipes
Along that same line are the Quick Clean Wipes. I liked to keep a package of these up in my bedroom after night time pumping sessions.
Thera-Pearl 3 in 1
I discovered these at Lewis Drug while trying to find a good bottle/nipple for Oliver since he wasn't liking the bottle much after I'd gone back to work. I heated these up in the microwave for about 15 seconds before I pumped in the utility closet at work. The closet had to be kept at 60 degrees because of the electrical equipment so it was FRIGID while being topless pumping. These were a lifesaver for me. I'd heat them up then place them on top of my breastshields and kept nice and toasty. You can also freeze them. One of my co-workers actually went and bought these when she was going through a masectomy after I told her about how amazing they were. She found it to be quite beneficial since the pearls form around your breast and are not a typical freezer pack or heating pack. I also found them to be soothing while cold on my thrush-filled breasts.
Bottles for the Breastfed baby
Finally, I struggled profoundly looking for a bottle that Oliver would be able to make relatively easy transitions from breast to artificial nipple while I was at work. I tried Avent, Nuk, Medela, Tommy Tippee, Lansinoh, and then (per recommendation of another wonderful lactation consultant), the 1st Years Breastflow. I found that even the 'slow flow' nipples with most brands were incredibly FAST!!! They practically poured out! And because breastmilk is thinner than formula, it really was pouring out of those nipples and drowning poor Oliver. I was only able to find the 1st Years Breastflow online on Amazon or at a baby store and they only had a starter pack. The flow is a bit slower than any others I found and the nipple was much more pliable but (annoyingly) collapsible. Nonetheless, due to the flow, I just stuck with these ones.
I also got the Lansinoh Momma 'boob bottle' that my mom used occasionally with him. The bottle is shaped like a boob, so I guess it's supposed to be an easy transition. It was.... meh.
Maternity bras and nursing pads
This topic still kind of perturbs me. When I was in the throes of thrush, I was advised to wear 100% cotton bras. Do you know how hard it is to find 100% cotton nursing bras?! Impossible! I went to Motherhood Maternity, Target, online, you name it. Most are made with Lycra and silk. For real??!! What mother wants to wear a silk bra while her boobs are leaking and her nipples are bleeding? Eventually I found a couple mostly cotton at Target that fell apart after about 4-6 months. My favorite, though was the Medela Bravada bra. It was 95% cotton and a basic racer back with a wide band around the chest and easy to snap and unsnap cups. All the other 'cute' maternity bras with underwires and 'lift' are worthless and uncomfortable. I came to the conclusion that while I was nursing, I would never wear a 'cute' bra. I got over it pretty quick.
Along with that are nursing pads. I remember my mom always used reusable cloth ones and that seemed to work for her. They are quite popular with the 'crunchy mamas', especially the ones that cloth diaper, etc. Out of convenience (and as a mother I think we all truly do appreciate that), I usually used the Lansinoh brand disposable nursing pads. I did try Medela and Nuk but found that they didn't stay in place in the cup and were super thick and bulky. Lansinoh was the 'panty liner' of nursing pads, while the others seemed to be the 'overnight pads'.
Bottom line: Breastfeeding products are difficult to find and discouragingly expensive. I had to find a lot of these items online or at a medical equipment store and most were pricey. Target carried a lot of these items but were often out of stock. These hurdles hinder breastfeeding mothers, especially low income mothers. I do know that WIC helps cover costs of breast pumps, and most insurances help cover those costs, too. Also, if you're working, you can start a Flex account to try and help with some of the costs. I do know that the sanitizing cloths qualify for flex reimbursement. Unfortunately, the steam bags, nipple cream, and storage bags do not. Having said that, these products are still astronomically cheaper than formula feeding. This post is only to relay what I found to be most conducive/helpful for my needs and Oliver's. Unfortunately, these were all trial and error but if it helps any of you, I am happy to be at your disposal!
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