Products for the Lactating mother

I often wonder how lactating women survived without the modern conveniences we have now! I can't imagine what they had to suffer without having a breast pump or lanolin nipple cream! It makes me cringe to think about it. I took full advantage of that very small section at the drug stores that offered breastfeeding mothers' products. You can find these squeezed at the end of the shelf next to the hundreds of cans of formula.

First and foremost:

Double Electric Breast Pump

I used the Medela Pump In Style. I was the third owner (that I know of). These things are hella-expensive but a friend gave me hers because she was done with it and she bought it from a second hand store. Brand new, they're over $200.00 but I have seen them occasionally at 2nd hand stores and garage sales for much cheaper. Having a double electric breast pump is ESSENTIAL for breastfeeding success as a working mother. Of course, having one regardless of working outside of the home is super beneficial. I spent countless hours in a freezing cold utility closet at work for 15 months pumping and if I didn't have a double electric pump and hand to hand express or do a single manual pump??.... that would be a full time job right there! In addition, it is also essential that you get a hands free bra. You can buy these (Medela makes one) so you can attach your shields and then still do other things while seated (other than have to hold those darn things), like go through paperwork, attend to your baby, putz around on FB, reach for the remote, etc. A very clever lactation consultant recommended I take an old bra and cut holes in the cups and use that instead of buying one. Brilliant!

I purchased my own bottles, flanges, cords, shields, etc at a baby store, a medical equipment store or Target.



 

Nipple Cream

I tried a couple different ones. The Lansinoh brand - it was like beeswax. Super sticky - not pliable, not conducive for application. Ultimately, I found the nectar of the Gods: Medela Lanolin nipple cream. It's an all natural product to soothe sore, chapped nipples and is safe for baby to ingest. If they sold it at Costco, I would have bought a bonus pack.

Breastmilk Freezer Storage Bags

I tried a LOT of these. Lansinoh, Nuk, Medela, Target brand, Walmart brand. Conclusion: Lansinoh hold at least 8 oz and a very tight 10 oz, are cheaper, and the only brand I actually could find coupons for. Having said that, the bags are thinner and I had about 12-15 bust open over the course of probably a couple hundred of these bags. So I tried to leave those as a last resort option. But because of the previously mentioned attributes (price and capacity), I ended up buying them more than I'd hoped to. Medela could only hold about 6 oz but were decent bags. My favorite (for the price, capacity and strength of bag) was the Nuk, with the Target off brand a close runner up. They held a good 8 oz and were very sturdy and laid well when frozen.

Medela Quick Clean Micro-Steam Bags

Because I'd pump 3-4 times a day at work, in addition to night time pumping, washing the parts became tedious and downright annoying. A friend told me about these and I was elated! One bag can steam clean at least 4 parts with just a couple oz of water in the microwave and you can reuse it 20X!! I still washed my parts but would often use this at work just for the ease of use and so I could get right back to work. Downright amazing!


Medela Quick Clean Wipes

Along that same line are the Quick Clean Wipes. I liked to keep a package of these up in my bedroom after night time pumping sessions.


Thera-Pearl 3 in 1

I discovered these at Lewis Drug while trying to find a good bottle/nipple for Oliver since he wasn't liking the bottle much after I'd gone back to work. I heated these up in the microwave for about 15 seconds before I pumped in the utility closet at work. The closet had to be kept at 60 degrees because of the electrical equipment so it was FRIGID while being topless pumping. These were a lifesaver for me. I'd heat them up then place them on top of my breastshields and kept nice and toasty. You can also freeze them. One of my co-workers actually went and bought these when she was going through a masectomy after I told her about how amazing they were. She found it to be quite beneficial since the pearls form around your breast and are not a typical freezer pack or heating pack. I also found them to be soothing while cold on my thrush-filled breasts.


Bottles for the Breastfed baby

Finally, I struggled profoundly looking for a bottle that Oliver would be able to make relatively easy transitions from breast to artificial nipple while I was at work. I tried Avent, Nuk, Medela, Tommy Tippee, Lansinoh, and then (per recommendation of another wonderful lactation consultant), the 1st Years Breastflow. I found that even the 'slow flow' nipples with most brands were incredibly FAST!!! They practically poured out! And because breastmilk is thinner than formula, it really was pouring out of those nipples and drowning poor Oliver. I was only able to find the 1st Years Breastflow online on Amazon or at a baby store and they only had a starter pack. The flow is a bit slower than any others I found and the nipple was much more pliable but (annoyingly) collapsible. Nonetheless, due to the flow, I just stuck with these ones.


I also got the Lansinoh Momma 'boob bottle' that my mom used occasionally with him. The bottle is shaped like a boob, so I guess it's supposed to be an easy transition. It was.... meh.


Maternity bras and nursing pads

This topic still kind of perturbs me. When I was in the throes of thrush, I was advised to wear 100% cotton bras. Do you know how hard it is to find 100% cotton nursing bras?! Impossible! I went to Motherhood Maternity, Target, online, you name it. Most are made with Lycra and silk. For real??!! What mother wants to wear a silk bra while her boobs are leaking and her nipples are bleeding? Eventually I found a couple mostly cotton at Target that fell apart after about 4-6 months. My favorite, though was the Medela Bravada bra. It was 95% cotton and a basic racer back with a wide band around the chest and easy to snap and unsnap cups. All the other 'cute' maternity bras with underwires and 'lift' are worthless and uncomfortable. I came to the conclusion that while I was nursing, I would never wear a 'cute' bra. I got over it pretty quick.

Along with that are nursing pads. I remember my mom always used reusable cloth ones and that seemed to work for her. They are quite popular with the 'crunchy mamas', especially the ones that cloth diaper, etc. Out of convenience (and as a mother I think we all truly do appreciate that), I usually used the Lansinoh brand disposable nursing pads. I did try Medela and Nuk but found that they didn't stay in place in the cup and were super thick and bulky. Lansinoh was the 'panty liner' of nursing pads, while the others seemed to be the 'overnight pads'.

Bottom line: Breastfeeding products are difficult to find and discouragingly expensive. I had to find a lot of these items online or at a medical equipment store and most were pricey. Target carried a lot of these items but were often out of stock. These hurdles hinder breastfeeding mothers, especially low income mothers. I do know that WIC helps cover costs of breast pumps, and most insurances help cover those costs, too. Also, if you're working, you can start a Flex account to try and help with some of the costs. I do know that the sanitizing cloths qualify for flex reimbursement. Unfortunately, the steam bags, nipple cream, and storage bags do not. Having said that, these products are still astronomically cheaper than formula feeding. This post is only to relay what I found to be most conducive/helpful for my needs and Oliver's. Unfortunately, these were all trial and error but if it helps any of you, I am happy to be at your disposal!

Breastfeeding - my greatest accomplishment

I consider myself to be a well-rounded person. I'm well-educated, well-traveled, have a career-ish job, have a wonderful, supportive family. You'd think my greatest accomplishment would be related to one of the former attributes. All of these pale in comparison to my breastfeeding journey and SUCCESS.

I went into it with the thought "I'll give it a try, but if it doesn't work, then at least I tried". Looking back, that is the WORST attitude to have breastfeeding. Luckily for Oliver and me, I am a very determined and stubborn person and I MADE it work.

Travis and I attended a breastfeeding class when I was pregnant and we were fed the facts: breastfeeding is optimal feeding for babies (and beyond). Breastmilk is full of immunities, protects against bugs/germs, decreases the risk of obesity, heart problems, illnesses....the list goes on and on. And, for moms, it reduces the risk for breast and cervical cancer drastically, plus helps you shed those pregnancy pounds. Not to mention the bonding between mom and baby that can NEVER be duplicated with a bottle. Ok, so I agreed with everything in the class, this is a good thing for your baby. I practiced with a stuffed animal (a blue rabbit my mom got Ollie), I read all the books, I did all the research. I was prepared.

Yeah, right.

I was so incredibly unprepared for what was about to begin. Not to say that my research and the class didn't have benefits. But nothing in life can truly prepare you until you actually experience what you had 'prepared' for.

I knew I wanted to breastfeed because of its obvious health benefits, it's FREE, and I wanted that closeness with my baby. My mom breastfed all of her 6 children. Some of them she was able to breastfeed a few months, and others (mostly my youngest 3 siblings), to a year. She successfully breastfed over 30 years ago when most women were bottle feeding...This was rare because my generations' mother's mothers were told by doctors that formula was actualy superior (back in the 50's). Which is so ridiculous because women have been sustaining their young for millenia...since the dawn of time with their breastmilk, then scientists come out with a powdered formula and tell mothers that what they made in a factory with research only a few years old is actually superior to what our bodies produce? puleez. So, anyway, my mom didn't feed into this. She paved the way for me and was successful despite the setbacks she experienced (weaning earlier than she had hoped, a baby that just wouldn't take to the breast, and colic, not to mention she didn't have a double electric pump!!! say what???!!!) Needless to say, I was exposed to breastfeeding, it was normal to me, and my mom was always nonchalant about it. She didn't make it a 'big deal'....because it isn't. It's natural, it's what our bodies were meant to do for our baby, it's beautiful.

I had Oliver in a hopsital following a drug-induced induction. My L&D will be another story because in retrospect, I wish I had done things differently but this is yet another example of how we can't fully appreciate a life experience until it's in the past. We had skin to skin immediately after birth. I asked the nurse about an hour later if I should try and nurse, she said to go ahead and try. Feeding Oliver wasn't at all like feeding that stuffed rabbit. This child had a very intense suck. I jumped the first time he latched on. He took right to it, like the hungry little monster he was and I thought, well, this isn't so bad. I didn't think he was getting anything out though and I expressed concern over that. The nurses assured me he was gettting colostrum (this AMAZING supermilk that your body produces before your milk actually 'comes in'.) I tried to feed him every 2-3 hours in the first 12 hours or so. Truthfully, I didn't know how often I was supposed to feed him because he was sleeping the majority of those 12 hours. My after delivery nurses were supportive as well as the lactation consultants. After about 12 hours of very painful nursing, they started to intervene a bit. They brought me some cooling pads to place on my nipples, as well as lanolin, God's gift to breastfeeding women. That seemed to help some but once I placed him back on the breast, it became more and more painful. So after that 12 hour mark, I was still trying to feeding him but it was excrutiating. About 24 hours after his birth, each time I latched him on, my toes would curl in agony. I didn't want to scream because I didn't want to scare anyone but I really really really wanted to release a blood curdling scream each time he latched on. I was so tense, my body jumped each time he sucked. I was actually dreading feeding him and he was barely a day old! My nipples were cracked and blistered and bleeding. One of the lactation nurses tried to hand express the colostrum out but all that came was blood....quite a bit of it actually. She said it was ok for Ollie to ingest a little of the blood, as long as he was getting colostrum with it. So the first couple weeks, Ollie drank bloody mary's. He was like a little vampire... ravenous, insatiable, and literally had blood dripping out of his mouth. At one point, I was crying so hard from the pain, that my lactation nurse started crying with me. That is when you know someone has true compassion. She had breastfed her children as well, she told me, and her last one she had similar issues and really knew the pain I was going through.

When we went home, it didn't get much better. I had Oliver on a Wednesday morning at 2:24 and my milk didn't come in until Saturday. That's a long ass time to wait for your milk to come in. I know it came in on Saturday b/c I was pumping from the get go. I wanted to establish my supply, ensure there was something coming out other than blood, and if it was too dreadful to think of latching Ollie on, I would syringue my breast milk into his mouth. This continued for a couple weeks. My nipples did stop bleeding after a couple weeks. But Ollie didn't give me much of a break because he fed sometimes every 30 minutes. Like I said, this kid was ravenous. I was assured he was getting enough, but because breastmilk is thinner than formula, it runs through them faster, therefore, they need to feed more. Plus, feeding him on-demand kept my supply at a jersey cow level.

About 3-4 weeks after birth, Ollie and I developed thrush. We basically passed it back and forth for about 3 months. And if I thought bleeding nipples was painful....THIS.....This is by far the worst pain you can ever imagine. It can be described as shards of glass making its way through your breasts when baby feeds. When baby isn't feeding, you get random stabbing pains. Even taking a breath was excrutiating. I walked around like I was holding a bunch of eggs on my chest and I was afraid to break them. Any type of touch was white hot pain seering through my body. I did a couple rounds of antibiotics....no good....gentian violet......no good, switched to 100% cotton nursing bras.....meh, maybe helped. But because thrush is yeast, it takes FOREVER to rid your body of it. My OBGYN even told me she had it and it took a couple months to get rid of. Seriously, the worst. pain. ever. The Thanksgiving after he was born (so he was around 6 weeks), I was with my mom and sisters at her family's thanksgiving and I was sitting in the car feeding him and I cried out in pain. My mom said, "is it still hurting"? I said "you have no idea". That was when I discovered I had thrush. It was hell. I also believe that his thrush was partially due to a slight tongue tie. His pediatrician confirmed he did indeed have a tongue tie. They can be snipped, but it wasn't substantial enough where he thought it would make a difference, so I decided not to do it and to just keep trying.

In addition to these first few months of struggles, I did get mastitis three times over the course of my breastfeeding journey. AKA milk fever. That shit sucks too. High fever, lethargy, general feeling of 'unwell'. Luckily, they mostly derived from plugged ducts and Ollie was incredibly efficient at sucking those buggers out, with creative positioning.

Time passed and by the time Ollie was around 5-6 months, we had the hang of it. He was still feeding frequently...every 1-2 hours. But I happily fed him because it's not my job to tell him when he's supposed to be hungry. If he's hungry, I'll feed him, simple as that.

I was suprised by the lack of understanding and education I experienced from my peers, friends, and family. Lots of mothers told me that I'd gone long enough (even at 6-7 months), and that he was 'just fine' if I didn't continue to nurse him. or that I'd 'given it a good effort'. No. A good effort isn't try a few times, then giving up becauses it got tough. If anyone had the 'right' to give up, it would have been me. But I don't use trials and challenges as an excuse to quit. I use them as motivation to keep pushing toward my goal.

What I found to be helpful was to make small goals. Initially, I made a goal to get to 6 weeks. Once I got to that point, I made a goal to get to 4 months, then 6 months, then 12 months. When we hit the 12 month marker, I didn't feel that Oliver was ready to quit. And frankly, neither was I. He had only just started showing interest in solids around 10 or 11 months and I didn't feel comfortable putting him on cow milk, which is full of bovine growth hormones and antibiotics. So we breastfed and occasionally I gave him water or almond milk. I stopped pumping at work when Ollie was around 15 months because I wasn't getting more than 5 oz out a day (which is quite the cut from what I used to pump daily! - around 40-50 oz) I was blessed with a surplus supply (thanks to Ollie's appetite and feeding on demand) and we were able to help other mothers by donating over 3000 ounces. What a blessing that Ollie and I were able to help other mothers and babies with their journeys.

I did wean Oliver at 19-20 months. I honestly thought I'd go over 2 years but I reached a point where I was ready to be done and I felt that Oliver would gradually become ok with it. I already did a post on that.... Side note, he's ok. ;)

This is our story. I didn't sugar coat anything because I want to be real. Just because something is natural doesn't mean it's easy. Just because I am happy to do something doesn't make it less painful. And just because I support breastfeeding doesn't mean I don't support mothers who don't breastfeed. But I will attest to my dying day that it was the most beautiful, heartwrenching, greatest accomplishment of my life. Thank you, Oliver, for giving me this gift.

DISCLAIMER:
********************The following are breastfeeding pics. If you don't feel comfortable looking at them, then don't. Also, society may have poisoned you into thinking that breasts are for sexual purposes and not for mothers feeding their young..... ***********************************

I have some other nursing pics from when he was a baby but can't seem to find them. That's ok though because I almost liked breastfeeding a toddler more because he kind of just took charge. :)

It wasn't always this serene!!

Nursing giggles :)

But first, let's take a selfie

Let me quickly share with you one of the best selfies I've ever seen. Better than Ellen DeGeneres' Oscar selfie? A close second. When you have a child, you see many firsts....first time rolling over, first steps, first solid foods, first word. THIS. This is Oliver's first selfie.

EPIC

Moving on......

Last week I did a very brave thing. At least I think it's brave. I cancelled my scheduled infusion. My gastroenterology doctor went into a frenzy and called me. Whoa, not the actual doctor, because doctors don't actually call their patients! He had a nurse not familiar with my case call me and advise me this is a bad idea. I told the nurse I understand where they are coming from; however, it is my decision and I no longer wish to pursue this form of treatment. I didn't go into the full reasons why. I informed her it was becuase of the headaches and migraines that I get with the infusions, which are a HUGE reason why I want to be done with the Remicade infusions. Truly, having a headache every day isn't worth it, in my opinion. I haven't had a headache for two weeks. Want to know why? Because the medicine is wearing off from my last infusion almost 9 weeks ago. I know this because I have taken Remicade for over 3 years. I also know my body better than anyone.

So, after much persuasion, I agreed to come in to be 'informed' of my decision. I went in expecting the worst, and that's exactly what it was. They tried to scare me with impending flares, horrible sickness, prednisone (steroids), and Humira. I told them I was aware. They told me if I wanted to get back on Remicade, likely I wouldn't be as receptive to the medicine b/c my body has built anti-bodies against it now. I told them I was aware. Then, because a doctor can't just let you get off one medication and not prescribe another, I was prescribed Azathiaprine and Mesalamine. Azathiaprine is a low level chemo drug, taken orally. Legally, I had to be told the most severe side effects: high risk of pancreatitis and skin cancer, as well as a supressed immune system. Thanks. And Mesalamine, well, that's low level as well, so not as many risky side effects. Also, the last time I was on Azathiaprine, I was on 50-75 mg/day. He prescribed 400 mg/day.  400 mg/day!!!! I'm sorry......what??!!

I smiled and nodded throughout this process to pacify them. I let them prescribe them. I let them prescribe them with the intent to not take them. I am not going to be compliant. Because part of my ultimate goal is to be healthy of my own accord, by eating clean, exercising, reducing the toxic chemicals I am around, maintaining my stress levels, getting sufficient sleep.

I am brave because I could take the easy way out and just take a pill to avoid the possibility of a flare but I believe in myself, holistic healing, and a higher spiritual being. That's not to say I'm invincible, but I'm putting my faith in these facets with the hope and conviction they keep me strong. That's bravery.

The Leaf Lady

I want to talk about weaning and sleep training Oliver but it's still a sensitive spot for me and I get weapy. Yes, I made this decision to be done with it, but it doesn't make it any easier emotionally. My hormones are changing to a non-lactating woman, my breastfeeding bond is no longer there and I'm learning to cope. It's liberating in some ways but still sad. And here I am talking about it! So I'll stop.

But, mom! I don't want to drink milk from this thing!!!
 

What's been heavy on my mind the past couple months is weighing the pros and cons of doing the Remicade IV infusions for my ulcerative colitis. Here's my list:

PROS:
*Remicade put me in remission and I haven't had a flare up for almost 3 years
*it worked quickly and effectively
*as a result, I haven't had to have a colonoscopy in about 2.5 years (they suck)
*I've always enjoyed Sanford's complimentary meal when I get infused. Usually breakfast for me. Aaaand their excellent selection of newly-released movies. I get to watch the movies I want to watch that Travis refuses to...but only every 8 weeks.

CONS
*Remicade is a chemotherapy - chemotherapy has residual, long-lasting effects
*33% of patients get headaches and migraines (ding ding ding! that's me!)
*many patients also experience fatigue, muscle pain, joint pain (ding ding ding!)
*I am expected to do this treatment indefinitely.  That means forever....until they come up with something better, or determine that Remicade is, in fact, harmful. That seems to happen a lot. The FDA is fickle.

Now, let's say hypothetically, I discontinue use (against doctor's orders...believe me, I tried to talk to my GI doc about it, he wasn't supportive) and I don't have issues for months or years or ever! It's possible! Or, what happens if I regress? and I'm back to the place I was almost 4 years ago? anemic from blood loss, severe cramping, fatigue, on multiple medications, undergoing medical procedures. I don't want to go back to that. But I also don't want to continue in the direction I'm headed now: a lifetime of drugs. I want to be healthy. I want to be natural. I want to be youthful. Vivacious. Clean (yes, I shower almost daily). I want to feel alive and energized and rigorous.

My mom goes to an herbalist/nutritionist and she was able to successfully get her off medication a while ago. I'd never really asked for much info about the procedure because, frankly, I wasn't interested at the time. But since we all know per my post a few weeks ago, that in the past year and a half I have been taking strides towards a healthy, paleo, toxin free lifestyle, I wanted to know more about this "leaf lady". Out of curiosity and speculation, I decided to have a consult with Amy. My cleanse and herbal regime is for a different post because honestly, it's a lot but most of what I am taking and was taking over the past 8 weeks or so has gradually decreased. Amy muscle tested me or some might know it as applied kinesiology. Here's a little info about that because if I try and explain it, I'll sound like a weirdo. http://www.goodhealthinfo.net/herbalists/muscle_testing.htm

Whether you choose to follow this lifestyle or not, it doesn't really matter to me. I realize most people will think I'm off my rocker for pursuing this but the most important people in my life understand it and support my decisions OR know well enough just to let me be with my witch's cauldron.

I'm sure you can see which way I'm leaning in regards to my treatment decision. The true test will be how my body handles my disease and if I can truly rely on what nature has provided for millennia  to treat and heal my inflammation by means of herbs and holistic healing.

In the meantime, here's my vigilant inspiration. It seems he still loves me despite all ....

Mommy Guilt and Weaning...it's all as bad as it sounds.

Every milestone we pass as a family with Oliver seems to be the worst. He's never slept the greatest at night but sometimes he'll grace us with a few weeks of sleeping through the night, or at least a 7-8 hour interval, then he'll regress. He always regresses. I don't know what it is about this regression that seems particularly dreadful but maybe it's because I am usually the only one who can soothe him enough to go back to sleep. This is because I breastfeed. During this regression, I have experienced a myriad of mental breakdowns. Most of them have been silent ones that I keep to myself. But Wednesday morning, I got up to the brutal alarm after hitting snooze way too many times and immediately started crying. I mourned the loss of sleep for the past year and a half. I mourned the loss of my husband and our intimacy due to exhaustion and a needy, whiny, colicky child. I mourned the loss of my feeling of self because my entire being was so focused and at the disposal of my child. I mourned the loss of my youthful luster, now replaced with a haggard 29 year old. I mourned the loss of having more time to myself, with my friends, my husband. Wednesday morning was the morning I cried all the way through my shower, while getting ready (I forgoed mascara that day), and all the way to work. I stopped once I got to work, because, if there's anything Joan from Mad Men taught us, you don't bring your personal stuff to work - you leave that at home. Thanks, Joanie. Truthfully, I've learned a lot more from her than that :) So I did what any adult woman and mother would do...I called my mom and cried on the phone with her too. I told her if she couldn't take her grandson, I would not hesitate to call Grandma J and ship him off to the farm for a week. Either scenario would be fine for me, but that was to prove my desperation for needing to be away from him. I had a list of other people in my arsenal, including his Aunt Amanda, cousin Kelly and his bash brother, Sutton, or a couple of friends. My mom understood my urgency for needing to be away from my son and said she would take him for two nights ... consecutively! A year ago, I would have said no way would I want to be away from my baby for that long! Now? I packed his bags immediately and said, "Ollie, you're going to have a sleepover with gwamuh".



Ollie-man in his vintage Easter outfit

Now this fateful Wednesday morning of sobbing, I came to the decision I did not want to breastfeed anymore. My good friend, Breanna, encouraged me by saying I made it further than most moms make it and I should be proud of myself.  Don't get me wrong, I am. But when your child cries incessantly for 'na's!' 'na na's??!!' and rubs his forehead into your chest and pats his chubby little hand on your breasts, the emotional part of it is excrutiating. I am reassured that while breastmilk has served him well into toddlerhood, he does get his needed nutrients elsewhere and this has been an added bonus at this point. My co-worker reminded me that while we as mothers want to reach a certain goal as a parent, sometimes, our mental well-being is more important and that Oliver will benefit from that too. It is at this time that I realized mentally and emotionally, my heart wasn't in it anymore. Ollie was only feeding once or twice in a 24 hour period anyway, so that makes it a little better I suppose. Now onto sleepover time with Grandma.....He didn't sleep any better for her, he woke up 4 times during the night. Today, my parents had things they had to do so I went to their house to pick him up at 4pm today and had him until 815. This sounds terrible... I picked up my kid for a few hours just to drop him back off. We went to the park and that kept him distracted enough that he wasn't asking for na's. Then shit hit the fan when we tried to have supper with Auntie Bethany. I had to get the food to go and get the heck out of there. After an hour straight of crying, one bath later, and a near-to-tears mommy (again!), my dad (who was the only one home at the time) said, 'just go'. He knew that Oliver wasn't going to calm down for me as long as I was there and not giving him the boob. So I ducked out of there like I was leaving a strip club in the daylight. As I drove home, I called my cousin Kelly, who reiterated it was ok, reminded me not to feel guilty. I also remember my co-worker telling me a few weeks ago that she always took vacations without her kids even when they were young because it's important as a mom to have time away to 'regroup. I am trying to remind myself of this as I type this. It is now night two. My boobs are a little sore but not too bad. They haven't been emptied in almost two whole days. So I guess I'm tearful for a few reasons. One, I am admitting that, as a mother, I can't be around my child right now because I am so fatigued and need some sleep. (GUILT) And number two, my incredible, amazing, difficult, sacrificial journey with breastfeeding is coming to a bittersweet end.


A mother's job is never done. Sometimes I cringe when I say motherhood is a job. Guess what? It frickin is, it's hard-ass work. It takes commitment, will power, compassion, love....the list goes on and on. I guess these two nights, I am taking a brief sabbatical. So tonight, I will mourn another loss but look forward to a happy future. I will mourn the loss of a closeness Oliver and I will never ever have again as we are wrapping up our breastfeeding journey. This weekend I am certain will be worse as he likes to have that closeness for nap time as well as bedtime. Please send positive vibes our way and prayers that we will make it through this chapter and that our family will some day get sleep. In the meantime, I have wonderful family and friends who are more than willing to take Oliver so I can regain some sanity.....whatever shreds there are left.

ok, but should it be this difficult?!

"They never said it was going to be easy."

This rings true for me in almost every facet of my life. The two things that stand out are: my health and being a mother.

This weekend was wonderful because my in-laws came and we accomplished a lot; however, I had a persistent and worsening headache as the weekend progressed. By Sunday it was borderline a migraine and yesterday, I stayed home from work and drew the blinds and laid in silence. I get migraines from my IV infusions I get every 8 weeks for my ulcerative colitis. The infusion is a medicine called Remicade or Infliximab. It is a chemotherapy that put my colitis in remission. I am glad it put me in remission but the side effects are starting to outweigh the benefits I feel as I am plagued with headaches almost daily and general fatigue. It also suppresses the immune system since the medicine is a biologic. This is one of my private battles I go through every day....debating whether I want to continue to do these infusions or get the courage to abandon this form of treatment and pursue holistic healing.

The second is being a mother. I knew it wasn't going to be easy but this child......my beautiful, angelic-looking, gift from God child. He challenges me in ways I didn't know possible. As if having a migraine wasn't enough, he wakes every two hours screaming bloody murder. Why?  I don't know. Probably the fact that he has 14 chompers that broke through his swollen gums in the past 7 months. I suppose that'd piss me off, too. Everyone's got a miracle solution. But, I swear, Oliver is immune to all these. Therefore, we suffer through it. I have to continually tell myself "they never said it was going to be easy". Agreed; however, they never said it was going to be THIS HARD!!!! I often wonder if there is any sanity left for me. I suppose I will one day sleep again but i'll be old and senile at that point, and miss being a young mother with a baby.



These are my confessions.....

In the beginning....there was inspiration and enlightment

I originally started this blog back in January 2012 to document my pregnancy and share my joys and glowing months of growing a human being. What really happened was the worst nine months of my life consumed with vomiting, dehydration and constant nausea. Since I barely had the energy to lift my head, blogging certainly wasn't a priority or even something I thought about after a couple months. So! Having since birthed the parasite....ahem....child 19 months ago and successfully keeping food down since, I have decided to come back from retirement because since having Oliver, I have developed a large interest in eating healthy.... and not just eating healthy but eating CLEAN foods and maintaining a somewhat nutritious lifestyle. This blog is to reveal to you that this is a journey and I most certainly do not perfectly adhere to a certain diet but rather that I am a human being, a mother, a wife, and work full time; therefore, I am TRYING.

I won't get too much into detail now but as aforementioned, my son, Oliver, inspired and motivated me to really research what I was putting in my body because he was getting that, too because I breastfeed. And in those first several months, he was exclusively breastfed. Why would I want his pallet to be fast food or candy or junk food? I wanted him to eat healthy, so that forced me to do the same for his own wellness. As a result, I am gradually pursuing a realistic paleo diet, with the help from social media, blogs, books, and my ever-encouraging mother who researches everything.

I am not a medical professional but believe in our body's ability to overcome and fight disease and illness and common maladies by what the earth has provided since the dawn of time.

So, to start off, I want to thank Oliver, for being my bundle of chunky ginger inspiration, and my mom for always being a hippie :)