Breastfeeding - my greatest accomplishment

I consider myself to be a well-rounded person. I'm well-educated, well-traveled, have a career-ish job, have a wonderful, supportive family. You'd think my greatest accomplishment would be related to one of the former attributes. All of these pale in comparison to my breastfeeding journey and SUCCESS.

I went into it with the thought "I'll give it a try, but if it doesn't work, then at least I tried". Looking back, that is the WORST attitude to have breastfeeding. Luckily for Oliver and me, I am a very determined and stubborn person and I MADE it work.

Travis and I attended a breastfeeding class when I was pregnant and we were fed the facts: breastfeeding is optimal feeding for babies (and beyond). Breastmilk is full of immunities, protects against bugs/germs, decreases the risk of obesity, heart problems, illnesses....the list goes on and on. And, for moms, it reduces the risk for breast and cervical cancer drastically, plus helps you shed those pregnancy pounds. Not to mention the bonding between mom and baby that can NEVER be duplicated with a bottle. Ok, so I agreed with everything in the class, this is a good thing for your baby. I practiced with a stuffed animal (a blue rabbit my mom got Ollie), I read all the books, I did all the research. I was prepared.

Yeah, right.

I was so incredibly unprepared for what was about to begin. Not to say that my research and the class didn't have benefits. But nothing in life can truly prepare you until you actually experience what you had 'prepared' for.

I knew I wanted to breastfeed because of its obvious health benefits, it's FREE, and I wanted that closeness with my baby. My mom breastfed all of her 6 children. Some of them she was able to breastfeed a few months, and others (mostly my youngest 3 siblings), to a year. She successfully breastfed over 30 years ago when most women were bottle feeding...This was rare because my generations' mother's mothers were told by doctors that formula was actualy superior (back in the 50's). Which is so ridiculous because women have been sustaining their young for millenia...since the dawn of time with their breastmilk, then scientists come out with a powdered formula and tell mothers that what they made in a factory with research only a few years old is actually superior to what our bodies produce? puleez. So, anyway, my mom didn't feed into this. She paved the way for me and was successful despite the setbacks she experienced (weaning earlier than she had hoped, a baby that just wouldn't take to the breast, and colic, not to mention she didn't have a double electric pump!!! say what???!!!) Needless to say, I was exposed to breastfeeding, it was normal to me, and my mom was always nonchalant about it. She didn't make it a 'big deal'....because it isn't. It's natural, it's what our bodies were meant to do for our baby, it's beautiful.

I had Oliver in a hopsital following a drug-induced induction. My L&D will be another story because in retrospect, I wish I had done things differently but this is yet another example of how we can't fully appreciate a life experience until it's in the past. We had skin to skin immediately after birth. I asked the nurse about an hour later if I should try and nurse, she said to go ahead and try. Feeding Oliver wasn't at all like feeding that stuffed rabbit. This child had a very intense suck. I jumped the first time he latched on. He took right to it, like the hungry little monster he was and I thought, well, this isn't so bad. I didn't think he was getting anything out though and I expressed concern over that. The nurses assured me he was gettting colostrum (this AMAZING supermilk that your body produces before your milk actually 'comes in'.) I tried to feed him every 2-3 hours in the first 12 hours or so. Truthfully, I didn't know how often I was supposed to feed him because he was sleeping the majority of those 12 hours. My after delivery nurses were supportive as well as the lactation consultants. After about 12 hours of very painful nursing, they started to intervene a bit. They brought me some cooling pads to place on my nipples, as well as lanolin, God's gift to breastfeeding women. That seemed to help some but once I placed him back on the breast, it became more and more painful. So after that 12 hour mark, I was still trying to feeding him but it was excrutiating. About 24 hours after his birth, each time I latched him on, my toes would curl in agony. I didn't want to scream because I didn't want to scare anyone but I really really really wanted to release a blood curdling scream each time he latched on. I was so tense, my body jumped each time he sucked. I was actually dreading feeding him and he was barely a day old! My nipples were cracked and blistered and bleeding. One of the lactation nurses tried to hand express the colostrum out but all that came was blood....quite a bit of it actually. She said it was ok for Ollie to ingest a little of the blood, as long as he was getting colostrum with it. So the first couple weeks, Ollie drank bloody mary's. He was like a little vampire... ravenous, insatiable, and literally had blood dripping out of his mouth. At one point, I was crying so hard from the pain, that my lactation nurse started crying with me. That is when you know someone has true compassion. She had breastfed her children as well, she told me, and her last one she had similar issues and really knew the pain I was going through.

When we went home, it didn't get much better. I had Oliver on a Wednesday morning at 2:24 and my milk didn't come in until Saturday. That's a long ass time to wait for your milk to come in. I know it came in on Saturday b/c I was pumping from the get go. I wanted to establish my supply, ensure there was something coming out other than blood, and if it was too dreadful to think of latching Ollie on, I would syringue my breast milk into his mouth. This continued for a couple weeks. My nipples did stop bleeding after a couple weeks. But Ollie didn't give me much of a break because he fed sometimes every 30 minutes. Like I said, this kid was ravenous. I was assured he was getting enough, but because breastmilk is thinner than formula, it runs through them faster, therefore, they need to feed more. Plus, feeding him on-demand kept my supply at a jersey cow level.

About 3-4 weeks after birth, Ollie and I developed thrush. We basically passed it back and forth for about 3 months. And if I thought bleeding nipples was painful....THIS.....This is by far the worst pain you can ever imagine. It can be described as shards of glass making its way through your breasts when baby feeds. When baby isn't feeding, you get random stabbing pains. Even taking a breath was excrutiating. I walked around like I was holding a bunch of eggs on my chest and I was afraid to break them. Any type of touch was white hot pain seering through my body. I did a couple rounds of antibiotics....no good....gentian violet......no good, switched to 100% cotton nursing bras.....meh, maybe helped. But because thrush is yeast, it takes FOREVER to rid your body of it. My OBGYN even told me she had it and it took a couple months to get rid of. Seriously, the worst. pain. ever. The Thanksgiving after he was born (so he was around 6 weeks), I was with my mom and sisters at her family's thanksgiving and I was sitting in the car feeding him and I cried out in pain. My mom said, "is it still hurting"? I said "you have no idea". That was when I discovered I had thrush. It was hell. I also believe that his thrush was partially due to a slight tongue tie. His pediatrician confirmed he did indeed have a tongue tie. They can be snipped, but it wasn't substantial enough where he thought it would make a difference, so I decided not to do it and to just keep trying.

In addition to these first few months of struggles, I did get mastitis three times over the course of my breastfeeding journey. AKA milk fever. That shit sucks too. High fever, lethargy, general feeling of 'unwell'. Luckily, they mostly derived from plugged ducts and Ollie was incredibly efficient at sucking those buggers out, with creative positioning.

Time passed and by the time Ollie was around 5-6 months, we had the hang of it. He was still feeding frequently...every 1-2 hours. But I happily fed him because it's not my job to tell him when he's supposed to be hungry. If he's hungry, I'll feed him, simple as that.

I was suprised by the lack of understanding and education I experienced from my peers, friends, and family. Lots of mothers told me that I'd gone long enough (even at 6-7 months), and that he was 'just fine' if I didn't continue to nurse him. or that I'd 'given it a good effort'. No. A good effort isn't try a few times, then giving up becauses it got tough. If anyone had the 'right' to give up, it would have been me. But I don't use trials and challenges as an excuse to quit. I use them as motivation to keep pushing toward my goal.

What I found to be helpful was to make small goals. Initially, I made a goal to get to 6 weeks. Once I got to that point, I made a goal to get to 4 months, then 6 months, then 12 months. When we hit the 12 month marker, I didn't feel that Oliver was ready to quit. And frankly, neither was I. He had only just started showing interest in solids around 10 or 11 months and I didn't feel comfortable putting him on cow milk, which is full of bovine growth hormones and antibiotics. So we breastfed and occasionally I gave him water or almond milk. I stopped pumping at work when Ollie was around 15 months because I wasn't getting more than 5 oz out a day (which is quite the cut from what I used to pump daily! - around 40-50 oz) I was blessed with a surplus supply (thanks to Ollie's appetite and feeding on demand) and we were able to help other mothers by donating over 3000 ounces. What a blessing that Ollie and I were able to help other mothers and babies with their journeys.

I did wean Oliver at 19-20 months. I honestly thought I'd go over 2 years but I reached a point where I was ready to be done and I felt that Oliver would gradually become ok with it. I already did a post on that.... Side note, he's ok. ;)

This is our story. I didn't sugar coat anything because I want to be real. Just because something is natural doesn't mean it's easy. Just because I am happy to do something doesn't make it less painful. And just because I support breastfeeding doesn't mean I don't support mothers who don't breastfeed. But I will attest to my dying day that it was the most beautiful, heartwrenching, greatest accomplishment of my life. Thank you, Oliver, for giving me this gift.

DISCLAIMER:
********************The following are breastfeeding pics. If you don't feel comfortable looking at them, then don't. Also, society may have poisoned you into thinking that breasts are for sexual purposes and not for mothers feeding their young..... ***********************************

I have some other nursing pics from when he was a baby but can't seem to find them. That's ok though because I almost liked breastfeeding a toddler more because he kind of just took charge. :)

It wasn't always this serene!!

Nursing giggles :)