Where do I begin?
I'm devastated. That's the biggest understatement of the century.
Gastroenterologists really need to develop a different way of breaking bad news, other than waking you up out of sedation or anesthesia and saying "hey, you have Crohn's now".
Yes, you read that right. Not only do I have Ulcerative Colitis...now I have Crohn's. For those of you who don't know, Ulcerative Colitis is an inflammatory auto-immune disease that attacks your large intestine. Crohn's is the same thing, except it's in the small intestine. It has progressed. Seeing that ... I'm still in shock. How? When? WHY??!!
I am coping with this news in the same fashion any person goes through a grieving process. My initial reaction is shock. How can this be?? I literally didn't even THINK about Crohn's being a possibility. These were my thoughts going in: my UC has remained the same severity, my UC is worse, my UC is better. NEVER did I think they would discover Crohn's. I have wracked my brain in the past week thinking how this could have happened. Was it because I stopped doing my Remicade infusions? Well, it's possible it may have progressed while off medication, but it's also possible my disease was progressing unbeknownst to me over the past three years that we haven't gone in and taken a look at my innards. It's possible that stopping the meds made it progress faster, but it's also possible that it had already progressed this far while I was still on the meds. We just don't know and won't know. I have to go in to the GI in January. At that point, we'll schedule a CT Scan to get a better look at my small intestines and I'll probably swallow a mini camera so it can take pics of my small intestines, since he was only able to go about 4 inches in. Yeah, that's another thing. He could only go into the small intestines 4 inches, so WHO KNOWS how far that SOB goes ... (At this point I am taking a deep breath so I don't scream and throw my computer).
This brings me to phase two of my grieving process (which is a prelude to phase 3 where I want to throw my computer through a wall). Sadness. Extreme sadness. Disappointing, debilitating, heart wrenching sadness. As the explosion of shock started to wear off, it filled back in with this raw emotion. I cried a lot right after the procedure. I just laid there and sobbed. Travis kind of sat there helpless and my nurse tried to be optimistic. I didn't want to hear optimism. I didn't want to hear what they had just told me. When I was discharged, we went out for breakfast (I hadn't eaten in 40 hours!!) and I cried over my food. Then my brother, Jason, called me. Mom must have turned on her lighthouse (aka sent a mass text). Jason was always the most level-headed of my siblings. I think it comes with the oldest sibling territory. Somebody's gotta keep things under control! He usually will show up in a time of crisis with reassuring words. This is a weird analogy but for you nerds out there, I think of it this way: I'm Percy Jackson, a demi-god, and he's Poseidon (my dad). When Percy is in the thick of something really difficult, Poseidon appears and makes things seem better, by offering a nugget of wisdom. You feel somewhat uplifted, no matter how bleak the situation. He's admired, respected, and somewhat absent (my Poseidon lives in Canada... but he might as well live under the sea for how much we see each other). People mean well, I've learned. And those close to me know that right now, I need to cry and just not say anything... and they just need to listen... or be there and not pester me for more information. Which is partially why I've been silent mostly this past week processing information in my head, because I don't want tumult of inquiries, when I don't know how to answer them. So I you've reached out to me and I haven't responded, please don't take it personally.
It makes me angry that I don't have the answers. It makes me angry that I can't cure this. I'm pissed I have to suffer from this disease. I'm pissed that all my efforts seem in vain. I'm furious that I can't control the progression of this disease. I am sort of see-sawing between sadness and anger right now. I have moments of hopelessness and sadness over this new diagnosis. Then I get really effing pissed. I'm livid. Why did this have to happen to me? Why are my intestines being so mean to me when I've only been good to them? I don't eat wheat, I eat limited dairy, very little sugar, no processed foods, I try to eat organic. I run, do yoga, try to get adequate rest. It all seems for naught. All my vigilance and discipline and research and commitment. It seems almost empty now. I'm so effing pissed.
And I'm also currently in a flare. The first one I've had in about 3.5 years. I don't really want to talk much about that.
This isn't really the best time of the year for me to be so angry so I am mentally challenging myself to remember these positive things:
1) My diet and exercise regime have actually made me a better person, largely controlled my symptoms, gave me daily goals, more energy and a killer bod ;)
2) The only good news I received last week after my colonoscopy is that my Ulcerative Colitis actually looked much better than the last colonoscopy I had done. That truly is wonderful news. I was pleased to hear that.
3) I have a positive/cup half full/supportive husband. And a rockstar family. And a cute fat ginger toddler.
What I'm processing and pondering:
1) Doc wants me back on meds. Questions are... will medicine stop or significantly slow down the progression of my disease? or simply control symptoms?
2) What other options are there than biologics? Biologics suppress your immune system and increase your risk for cancer, in addition to the laundry list of side effects I had the pleasure of experiencing already.
3) If you dare suggest I get back on prednisone, I will strangle you. (that's just a statement, not a question, but I wanted to put it out there....#fuhgetaboutit)
4) How long do I have before I am completely encompassed in this disease and have to lose some of my intestines? Or can that be avoided entirely? Which brings me to
5) Kill me before I have to get a colostomy bag.
6) I hope this isn't hereditary.
Thursday, December 11, 2014
Tuesday, November 25, 2014
I hate colonoscopies
The hour is drawing near.
That sounds ominous but I feel a bit ominous as I have a colonoscopy next week. Last year, my gastroenterologist agreed to give me one more year to have a colonoscopy since I was doing well and not having flares or symptoms of my ulcerative colitis. Well, as much as I've wanted to hide, that year has arrived and the DR office sent a letter reminding me to set up a time to come in for the lovely procedure. I chucked that letter in the trash. Then another one came a month letter with a handwritten note from my DR himself....and signed it with his first name. If that doesn't tell you he's serious, then I don't know what does. I begrudgingly called and set up a time to get the procedure done.
Now....what's a little nerve-wracking (other than drinking that nasty stuff that makes you get the runs for several hours to clean you out... and not being able to eat for HOURS....and having a scope up your ass) is that this is the first colonoscopy I have had while not being on a medication. This will truly be a testament whether or not my gluten-free and largely paleo diet is, in fact, effective. I'm also nervous because I know my buddy, Lee (GI doc), will want to talk with me about my refusal to take the drugs he's prescribed for 'maintenance'. He's very pro drugs and has more than once told me not to even mess with holistic healing. Having said that, I feel he does care about me and my well-being. He has worked diligently with me for the past 4+ years to get me to a point where I wasn't doubling over from abdominal pain, and having so much blood in my stool that I became anemic. Luckily, that period only lasted that first year that I was diagnosed with Ulcerative Colitis. Since then I haven't had a flare or severe symptoms. Only occasional and insignificant symptoms that usually happen after I've consumed gluten or refined sugar.
When you know better, you do better. And I'm hoping this colonoscopy will show my GI that I know what I'm doing..... or perhaps it will prove the opposite.
To be continued after December 4th.
That sounds ominous but I feel a bit ominous as I have a colonoscopy next week. Last year, my gastroenterologist agreed to give me one more year to have a colonoscopy since I was doing well and not having flares or symptoms of my ulcerative colitis. Well, as much as I've wanted to hide, that year has arrived and the DR office sent a letter reminding me to set up a time to come in for the lovely procedure. I chucked that letter in the trash. Then another one came a month letter with a handwritten note from my DR himself....and signed it with his first name. If that doesn't tell you he's serious, then I don't know what does. I begrudgingly called and set up a time to get the procedure done.
Now....what's a little nerve-wracking (other than drinking that nasty stuff that makes you get the runs for several hours to clean you out... and not being able to eat for HOURS....and having a scope up your ass) is that this is the first colonoscopy I have had while not being on a medication. This will truly be a testament whether or not my gluten-free and largely paleo diet is, in fact, effective. I'm also nervous because I know my buddy, Lee (GI doc), will want to talk with me about my refusal to take the drugs he's prescribed for 'maintenance'. He's very pro drugs and has more than once told me not to even mess with holistic healing. Having said that, I feel he does care about me and my well-being. He has worked diligently with me for the past 4+ years to get me to a point where I wasn't doubling over from abdominal pain, and having so much blood in my stool that I became anemic. Luckily, that period only lasted that first year that I was diagnosed with Ulcerative Colitis. Since then I haven't had a flare or severe symptoms. Only occasional and insignificant symptoms that usually happen after I've consumed gluten or refined sugar.
When you know better, you do better. And I'm hoping this colonoscopy will show my GI that I know what I'm doing..... or perhaps it will prove the opposite.
To be continued after December 4th.
Monday, October 13, 2014
Mom is Gandalf
For those that may have been interested or following my journey to health - here's my status update. I have been medication free since March 2014. That's 7 months, people! No chemotherapy, no anti depressant, no anti anxiety, no sleeping pills, no steroids, no suppositories, nada.
NO FLARES.
But this doesn't mean I'm in the clear. It doesn't mean I can stop the regime I am doing. It doesn't mean I can 'ease up a bit' on my strict diet. On the contrary, I must stay the course.
Like many of my life choices, my decisions aren't necessarily understood; as a result, I find myself sort of hiding my decisions. I didn't necessarily go around telling my co-workers, friends, or family that I got off my medication that helped me achieve remission after over a year of horrible pain, bloody stools, and frequent trips to the emergency room and Mayo. That's because I still live with the fear that I may flare again and I don't want to hear 'I told you so'. Because I fear flaring, I treat my diet and exercise like a religion. I rarely stray, and when I do, I feel a lot of guilt. I recently had a 'fun size' candy bar and the guilt I felt after it perhaps made it not worth how delicious it was! I'm not saying you shouldn't treat yourself every once in a while, but when you fear one food triggering a domino effect of symptoms, you find yourself acknowledging processed, sugary foods as poison itself.
In addition to running, I've started implementing circuit training and the practice of yoga. I don't have a gym membership. I intend to run outside until the snow falls. I take screen shots of Instagram fitness accounts' photos that show you different circuit workouts and have found them to be very effective. And I have several yoga DVDs at home. I still have to give myself pep talks, though, to work out....every time. Once I get going, I am fine, but I drag my feet to get around to it. And I think that's pretty normal.
But, primarily, abs are made in the kitchen. And I don't say that lightly! I used to work out quite frequently before I had Oliver. I did running, weight training, yoga, circuits, aerobics. I was probably at the gym 3-4 times a week. But I wouldn't say I was necessarily in peak physical condition, or really felt great. This is because I was drinking pop, eating junk food, and of course, those evil evil grains and processed sugars. Since eliminating these things and getting back to our Neanderthal roots, I've found that eating Paleo enhances and prepares my body for physical activity. I don't feel heavy or weighed down while running. I don't feel like I'm going to barf after doing a few rounds of a circuit. I'm so proud of myself and my body! It's honing into a lean, muscular temple. I don't feel ashamed saying that because it's true and I worked my ass off (literally) to get to this point. I love looking in the mirror and smiling because my reflection is saying "you go, girl! You proved you medical 'professionals', yourself, and all the haters wrong!" I don't know if I necessarily have haters, but those of you who are lurking in the corner, waiting for me to relapse...you're a hater. Go away.
Don't be ignorant or dormant; be proactive! I challenge YOU to give this a try. Walk a month in my shoes and see how amazing the results are. Do your research and really look into what you are putting in your body. The results may scare you. I learn lots of new things in the kitchen while I do my continued research of a Paleo lifestyle. I can't tell you how important it is to continue to educate yourself. When you know better, you do better. I know better than to trust big corporations, pharmaceuticals, and the FDA. I put my trust in what God provided on planet Earth is what's truly needed for a healthy species. I'm not saying there aren't purposes for modern medicine, but they should not be taken without a second thought. Herbs, clean eating, and exercise have been my 'medicine'. And I'm thankful I had the common sense to look further into it. And doesn't that really make more sense to be nutritious, rather than popping a pill to mask the real problem? I really wish, as a society, that we could get away from treating symptoms, and instead promoting healthy living. But I'd say that's wishful thinking at this point in our society.
I am thankful for my select family and friends who have respected my decision to be free of drugs. I am truly indebted to the leaf lady. And I am forever happy for my mama, who always encourages and challenges me to be a better person, do my research, and be my recipe-sharing confidant. Without her, my quest wouldn't have even begun. I'd be Bilbo Baggins in Bag End, living blissfully unaware in the Shire. I guess in this case, mom would be Gandalf. I like Gandalf. :)
NO FLARES.
But this doesn't mean I'm in the clear. It doesn't mean I can stop the regime I am doing. It doesn't mean I can 'ease up a bit' on my strict diet. On the contrary, I must stay the course.
Like many of my life choices, my decisions aren't necessarily understood; as a result, I find myself sort of hiding my decisions. I didn't necessarily go around telling my co-workers, friends, or family that I got off my medication that helped me achieve remission after over a year of horrible pain, bloody stools, and frequent trips to the emergency room and Mayo. That's because I still live with the fear that I may flare again and I don't want to hear 'I told you so'. Because I fear flaring, I treat my diet and exercise like a religion. I rarely stray, and when I do, I feel a lot of guilt. I recently had a 'fun size' candy bar and the guilt I felt after it perhaps made it not worth how delicious it was! I'm not saying you shouldn't treat yourself every once in a while, but when you fear one food triggering a domino effect of symptoms, you find yourself acknowledging processed, sugary foods as poison itself.
In addition to running, I've started implementing circuit training and the practice of yoga. I don't have a gym membership. I intend to run outside until the snow falls. I take screen shots of Instagram fitness accounts' photos that show you different circuit workouts and have found them to be very effective. And I have several yoga DVDs at home. I still have to give myself pep talks, though, to work out....every time. Once I get going, I am fine, but I drag my feet to get around to it. And I think that's pretty normal.
But, primarily, abs are made in the kitchen. And I don't say that lightly! I used to work out quite frequently before I had Oliver. I did running, weight training, yoga, circuits, aerobics. I was probably at the gym 3-4 times a week. But I wouldn't say I was necessarily in peak physical condition, or really felt great. This is because I was drinking pop, eating junk food, and of course, those evil evil grains and processed sugars. Since eliminating these things and getting back to our Neanderthal roots, I've found that eating Paleo enhances and prepares my body for physical activity. I don't feel heavy or weighed down while running. I don't feel like I'm going to barf after doing a few rounds of a circuit. I'm so proud of myself and my body! It's honing into a lean, muscular temple. I don't feel ashamed saying that because it's true and I worked my ass off (literally) to get to this point. I love looking in the mirror and smiling because my reflection is saying "you go, girl! You proved you medical 'professionals', yourself, and all the haters wrong!" I don't know if I necessarily have haters, but those of you who are lurking in the corner, waiting for me to relapse...you're a hater. Go away.
Don't be ignorant or dormant; be proactive! I challenge YOU to give this a try. Walk a month in my shoes and see how amazing the results are. Do your research and really look into what you are putting in your body. The results may scare you. I learn lots of new things in the kitchen while I do my continued research of a Paleo lifestyle. I can't tell you how important it is to continue to educate yourself. When you know better, you do better. I know better than to trust big corporations, pharmaceuticals, and the FDA. I put my trust in what God provided on planet Earth is what's truly needed for a healthy species. I'm not saying there aren't purposes for modern medicine, but they should not be taken without a second thought. Herbs, clean eating, and exercise have been my 'medicine'. And I'm thankful I had the common sense to look further into it. And doesn't that really make more sense to be nutritious, rather than popping a pill to mask the real problem? I really wish, as a society, that we could get away from treating symptoms, and instead promoting healthy living. But I'd say that's wishful thinking at this point in our society.
I am thankful for my select family and friends who have respected my decision to be free of drugs. I am truly indebted to the leaf lady. And I am forever happy for my mama, who always encourages and challenges me to be a better person, do my research, and be my recipe-sharing confidant. Without her, my quest wouldn't have even begun. I'd be Bilbo Baggins in Bag End, living blissfully unaware in the Shire. I guess in this case, mom would be Gandalf. I like Gandalf. :)
Monday, September 22, 2014
In Middle School again...??...
Recently, I started volunteering as a coach and mentor for a program at the local school called Girls on Track or Girls on the Run. It's an after school program that encourages and uplifts young girls by instilling self-confidence, promoting healthy lifestyles, and aiding in the daily struggles they face, such as bullying, negativity, and eating disorders. I've found it to be empowering for me as a coach and also a learning experience. Currently, I am assisting with Girls on Track, which is for middle school girls. I listen to what these girls go through at school and their home life and I leave them feeling sad. I leave them thinking 'man, I'm so glad I was home-schooled in middle school'. I leave them feeling helpless. The main contributors to their struggles? Peers and parents. I suppose it's to be expected that their peers would be part of their distress. Girls fight, cat fight, passive aggressive fight, play the silent game, pick sides, bully, manipulate. But parents? I've heard at least half of these girls admit that they never see their parents, they feel like their parents don't care, and that they feel their parents love their siblings more than the them. I feel bad for these girls. I feel bad that their parents are always gone, always playing video games, never come to their activities, dote on their baby brother, feed them Doritos for supper, etc. It makes me mad at these parents and I don't know what to tell these girls, other than, your parents are being lazy pieces of crap and I'm sorry.
But what may be just as disturbing is that the emotions they are going through as middle schoolers truly isn't much different than emotions I go through as a grown woman.
Disappointment
I'm disappointed in how hard it still is to maintain a friendship. I'm disappointed that as women, we still can't learn to support each other despite our differences of opinion and choices we make in our lives. While middle school friendships may be on a rocky path due to Susie talking to Julie, even though the rest of her friends aren't talking to her because she wore an ugly shirt.... Adult friendships become rocky because our lives take a different path. One of them is in a relationship and the other isn't. Or perhaps, one of them had a child and the other person couldn't connect with them anymore. Instead of being supportive, we tear each other down. I had an encounter this weekend where someone belittled one of my proudest and greatest accomplishments. In that moment, I had to decide whether I wanted to argue with this person and make it into a tense he said/she said moment or just let it go. I decided to not say anything because I didn't want to feed into what was likely bait for an argument. But afterwards, I second-guessed my response to the situation and wondered if I should have stuck to my guns and defended my choices. Either way, this person knew how I felt about this situation and decided to poke and prod me. This was uncalled for and negative. My gosh, we are grown women and still doing the same middle school shit we did half a lifetime ago. When will we grow up?
Low Self-confidence and Low Self-esteem
Judas. I'm a fit woman. I eat healthy. I promote healthy living. I love my body! I am confident in my choices as a mother, and as a wife. And yet, I often second-guess my choices. I see 'super moms' and crazy gorgeous women living their 'perfect' lives and think, hmmm, how do they do it all!?! How do they find the time to maintain two full time jobs: a career and being a mom, not to mention being a wife. How can I be more like her? Why do I suck so bad at life?! What did she do to deserve such an awesome life?! Why does it feel like I'm busting my ass every day to 'do it all'?! The self-doubt creeps in and I become resentful and bitter. I hate those women that get 'the good life', that 'are perfect wife and mother'..... where being a wife and role model just looks so damn easy. And, maybe it isn't easy and they're just being fake. But here's me being me. Being a wife is hard when you become a mother. Travis and my one-on-one time took a big cut. It's all about Oliver. But realistically, it has to be about him... mostly. Oliver isn't self-sufficient. He isn't shitting in the pot, cooking his own food, running his own bath water, putting himself to bed. He hasn't mastered driving himself places yet, either. He STILL can't climb up onto furniture! lol. It's pretty comical to watch, actually. I think he's just too 'husky'. Last I checked, Travis can do all those things. And I have to stop being so frickin' hard on myself that I can't be super mom and have a perfect house and 3 course dinners every day when I'm working outside the home. Maybe others are judging me, but I'm judging myself even harder. I need to cut it out.
I want to tell these girls that this petty shit they are facing now will be in the past and that once they're grown up, they won't face this stuff ever again. The truth is, they'll face it every day. Well into adulthood. I want to tell them that middle school is just a phase and once it's over, it's clear sailing. That's bullshit. Instead I have to tell them to build their resolve cuz it ain't gettin' any easier, girlfriend. They'll continue to battle for dying friendships. There will be times when they will feel lost and lonely in a sea of uncaring people. They will feel their confidence shaking and self-doubt rearing its' ugly head. They will question their choices as negativity pokes and prods at their resolve. I want to tell them to hold onto to something they know is good and right and pure. I want to tell them that they are bad-ass. I want to tell them they have so much goodness and beauty and power that nothing will get in their way. I want to tell them I believe in their capacity for becoming strong, capable, independent women.
Girl, I am here for you. Friend, I am here for you. Husband, I am here for you. Son, I am here for you. Family, I am here for you. I'm here to tell you that you matter to someone, somewhere. You have a purpose. You mean everything to someone. You light up someone's world. You fuel someone's fire. You are a good person. You are a meaningful friend, sibling, daughter, child, mentor, woman. Your resolve gives me strength. Your belief in something truly unshakeable and pure gives me hope. Thank you for taking the world on your shoulders. Thank you for being you. And thank you for reminding me to love and congratulate ME. I'm awesome and I needed to hear that. Now go be awesome!
But what may be just as disturbing is that the emotions they are going through as middle schoolers truly isn't much different than emotions I go through as a grown woman.
Disappointment
I'm disappointed in how hard it still is to maintain a friendship. I'm disappointed that as women, we still can't learn to support each other despite our differences of opinion and choices we make in our lives. While middle school friendships may be on a rocky path due to Susie talking to Julie, even though the rest of her friends aren't talking to her because she wore an ugly shirt.... Adult friendships become rocky because our lives take a different path. One of them is in a relationship and the other isn't. Or perhaps, one of them had a child and the other person couldn't connect with them anymore. Instead of being supportive, we tear each other down. I had an encounter this weekend where someone belittled one of my proudest and greatest accomplishments. In that moment, I had to decide whether I wanted to argue with this person and make it into a tense he said/she said moment or just let it go. I decided to not say anything because I didn't want to feed into what was likely bait for an argument. But afterwards, I second-guessed my response to the situation and wondered if I should have stuck to my guns and defended my choices. Either way, this person knew how I felt about this situation and decided to poke and prod me. This was uncalled for and negative. My gosh, we are grown women and still doing the same middle school shit we did half a lifetime ago. When will we grow up?
Low Self-confidence and Low Self-esteem
Judas. I'm a fit woman. I eat healthy. I promote healthy living. I love my body! I am confident in my choices as a mother, and as a wife. And yet, I often second-guess my choices. I see 'super moms' and crazy gorgeous women living their 'perfect' lives and think, hmmm, how do they do it all!?! How do they find the time to maintain two full time jobs: a career and being a mom, not to mention being a wife. How can I be more like her? Why do I suck so bad at life?! What did she do to deserve such an awesome life?! Why does it feel like I'm busting my ass every day to 'do it all'?! The self-doubt creeps in and I become resentful and bitter. I hate those women that get 'the good life', that 'are perfect wife and mother'..... where being a wife and role model just looks so damn easy. And, maybe it isn't easy and they're just being fake. But here's me being me. Being a wife is hard when you become a mother. Travis and my one-on-one time took a big cut. It's all about Oliver. But realistically, it has to be about him... mostly. Oliver isn't self-sufficient. He isn't shitting in the pot, cooking his own food, running his own bath water, putting himself to bed. He hasn't mastered driving himself places yet, either. He STILL can't climb up onto furniture! lol. It's pretty comical to watch, actually. I think he's just too 'husky'. Last I checked, Travis can do all those things. And I have to stop being so frickin' hard on myself that I can't be super mom and have a perfect house and 3 course dinners every day when I'm working outside the home. Maybe others are judging me, but I'm judging myself even harder. I need to cut it out.
I want to tell these girls that this petty shit they are facing now will be in the past and that once they're grown up, they won't face this stuff ever again. The truth is, they'll face it every day. Well into adulthood. I want to tell them that middle school is just a phase and once it's over, it's clear sailing. That's bullshit. Instead I have to tell them to build their resolve cuz it ain't gettin' any easier, girlfriend. They'll continue to battle for dying friendships. There will be times when they will feel lost and lonely in a sea of uncaring people. They will feel their confidence shaking and self-doubt rearing its' ugly head. They will question their choices as negativity pokes and prods at their resolve. I want to tell them to hold onto to something they know is good and right and pure. I want to tell them that they are bad-ass. I want to tell them they have so much goodness and beauty and power that nothing will get in their way. I want to tell them I believe in their capacity for becoming strong, capable, independent women.
Girl, I am here for you. Friend, I am here for you. Husband, I am here for you. Son, I am here for you. Family, I am here for you. I'm here to tell you that you matter to someone, somewhere. You have a purpose. You mean everything to someone. You light up someone's world. You fuel someone's fire. You are a good person. You are a meaningful friend, sibling, daughter, child, mentor, woman. Your resolve gives me strength. Your belief in something truly unshakeable and pure gives me hope. Thank you for taking the world on your shoulders. Thank you for being you. And thank you for reminding me to love and congratulate ME. I'm awesome and I needed to hear that. Now go be awesome!
Monday, August 18, 2014
PPD This shit is REAL
I'm almost two years out.... I had my kid almost TWO YEARS AGO. And it's taken me until fairly recent to realize that I had postpartum depression and still may have traces of it.... and that's OK.
It wasn't until I took a step back and saw how different things were in my life and how I wasn't sure I was 'ok' with these changes that made me realize I am still struggling with my post partum lifestyle change.
I want to be clear that I don't regret getting pregnant and having Oliver. He is my joy, my steadfast light, my pride. I can't imagine life without him. And yet, having him, brought a tumult of emotions and raw new feelings I'd never experienced and makes me shudder to think of re-living those.
My Body
My body went through some serious shit creating Mr. O. In the first trimester alone, I lost 15 pounds. I barely made it to work. There were many days I could hardly lift my head or turn over in bed without retching into a trash can. I had several visits to the hospital for IV fluids. I wanted to die. There were many moments I truly would have rather died than wake up and suffer through another day. Not to mention the hormones that are catapulting through your system. Pregnancy is supposed to be a happy, glowing time and I found myself resenting the child inside of me for slowly ruining my esophogus, my career, my relationships, my emotions. I resented pregnancy. I resented my husband for not truly being able to understand my turmoil. He was so helpless. There was nothing he could do. I resented other pregnant women who had 'easy breezy' pregnancies. I resented their doting and knowing husbands. I resented their ease of being a stay at home mom or wife and not having to worry about keeping their job to pay bills. I resented them going to their jobs and being able to carry on other than occasional swollen ankles. I resented that they didn't have to run to the bathroom while trying to catch acidic vomit pouring down their clothes. I resented it all.
The Birth Itself
As you can imagine, when my OB agreed to do an elective induction at my EDD, I was beyond thrilled. Who wouldn't want this hellish experience over?! Looking back, that wasn't a sound decision but it's done now and I can't change it. That's not to say I had a traumatic birth experience. Indeed, it went all 'according to plan'. I delivered within the time frame that the OB would expect me to. Oliver was a very healthy baby and I didn't have any major medical issues. But because Oliver wasn't allowed to progress in the natural way God intended, I believe my emotional state wasn't able to prepare for Oliver's arrival.
The Arrival
When Oliver did arrive, I was just finishing up retching into one of those lovely blue hospital barf bags. Once he announced his arrival, my nausea vanished. And in those few moments, I had to transfer from sickly exhausted pregnant lady to mother. I had to step up and do my duties: feed, burp, change diapers, care for my completely dependent wrinkly, red child. A laundry list of responsibilities greeted me as I wiped the vomit off my face and readied myself for motherhood. And while these responsibilities were daunting, I had prepared as best I could. However, one cannot prepare for the emotions you will have to process, nor the physical healing process of your very first vaginal birth. The midwife that delivered Oliver did a wonderful job (according to my mom, who was pretty much right beside her), she stretched and prepared me, helped Oliver ease out, etc. But, having never delivered a bowling ball out of my nostril before, that first delivery is going to leave your lady bits messed up. Especially if you have a larger baby. Oliver was 8'5" and I know women deliver much larger, but I'm going to go ahead and assume that delivering a 5-6 pound baby would be less grevious than 8+. When the epidural wore off and I started to really feel that pain, I was completely miserable. Nothing would make it feel better. Baths and showers stung, going to the bathroom was terror-inducing, sitting down on a hard surface was excrutiating. Don't even get me going on post-partum sex.
At Home
If you read my post about breastfeeding, you'd know that it was a really rough start. Add that to everything else I just mentioned and I was in a sorry state. In addition, there is no time to sort through these emotions as the only time you have is consumed by caring for your precious bundle. I had no time to process my thoughts, emotions, and relief and no longer being sickly. Pregnancy was like having a chronic illness and I 'miraculously recovered' but instead of being relieved or rejoicing, I had a whole new basket case of maladies.
My relationship with my spouse suffered big time with the start of this and it is still slowly on the mend. There are many days I just can't sift through all my feelings, mental and physical. I still struggle with both. My 2nd degree tear didn't heal well and I have to deal with that for the rest of my life. That shit's depressing.
You can't expect a child will magically fit into your fabulous freshly-or-seasoned married life. Your child will define your new life. And boy, what a life. I am so blessed. I am blessed by an ever-understanding and patient husband who would go to the moon and back for me and love me with every breath he takes until we return to the dust. I am blessed by my beautiful baby boy who has made me a better person, better wife, daughter, sister. He is the glue to my chaotic existence.
So as the bassinet gets booted out of the house, infant toys and baby equipment go into storage, and my breastpump collects dust, I feel such a tremendous relief that we SURVIVED it. It made me realize that I was trying to pass off my struggles as 'normal' and I kept a lot of my feelings in. I didn't want to appear weak or unable to care for myself or my child or my family. It was a rough couple years. This is the part that pastors refer to '.....in bad times' in wedding vows. Thank God as humans we are given a certain resilience.
I'm aware many people don't understand depression (post partum or otherwise), and that's because they never suffered it or witnessed someone close to them suffer through it, but that doesn't mean it doesn't exist. And it certainly doesn't mean you have the right to judge; we merely wish for support.
I'm almost two years out and sometimes my life is a mess but I can truthfully look around and say 'what a beautiful mess'.
It wasn't until I took a step back and saw how different things were in my life and how I wasn't sure I was 'ok' with these changes that made me realize I am still struggling with my post partum lifestyle change.
I want to be clear that I don't regret getting pregnant and having Oliver. He is my joy, my steadfast light, my pride. I can't imagine life without him. And yet, having him, brought a tumult of emotions and raw new feelings I'd never experienced and makes me shudder to think of re-living those.
My Body
My body went through some serious shit creating Mr. O. In the first trimester alone, I lost 15 pounds. I barely made it to work. There were many days I could hardly lift my head or turn over in bed without retching into a trash can. I had several visits to the hospital for IV fluids. I wanted to die. There were many moments I truly would have rather died than wake up and suffer through another day. Not to mention the hormones that are catapulting through your system. Pregnancy is supposed to be a happy, glowing time and I found myself resenting the child inside of me for slowly ruining my esophogus, my career, my relationships, my emotions. I resented pregnancy. I resented my husband for not truly being able to understand my turmoil. He was so helpless. There was nothing he could do. I resented other pregnant women who had 'easy breezy' pregnancies. I resented their doting and knowing husbands. I resented their ease of being a stay at home mom or wife and not having to worry about keeping their job to pay bills. I resented them going to their jobs and being able to carry on other than occasional swollen ankles. I resented that they didn't have to run to the bathroom while trying to catch acidic vomit pouring down their clothes. I resented it all.
The Birth Itself
As you can imagine, when my OB agreed to do an elective induction at my EDD, I was beyond thrilled. Who wouldn't want this hellish experience over?! Looking back, that wasn't a sound decision but it's done now and I can't change it. That's not to say I had a traumatic birth experience. Indeed, it went all 'according to plan'. I delivered within the time frame that the OB would expect me to. Oliver was a very healthy baby and I didn't have any major medical issues. But because Oliver wasn't allowed to progress in the natural way God intended, I believe my emotional state wasn't able to prepare for Oliver's arrival.
The Arrival
When Oliver did arrive, I was just finishing up retching into one of those lovely blue hospital barf bags. Once he announced his arrival, my nausea vanished. And in those few moments, I had to transfer from sickly exhausted pregnant lady to mother. I had to step up and do my duties: feed, burp, change diapers, care for my completely dependent wrinkly, red child. A laundry list of responsibilities greeted me as I wiped the vomit off my face and readied myself for motherhood. And while these responsibilities were daunting, I had prepared as best I could. However, one cannot prepare for the emotions you will have to process, nor the physical healing process of your very first vaginal birth. The midwife that delivered Oliver did a wonderful job (according to my mom, who was pretty much right beside her), she stretched and prepared me, helped Oliver ease out, etc. But, having never delivered a bowling ball out of my nostril before, that first delivery is going to leave your lady bits messed up. Especially if you have a larger baby. Oliver was 8'5" and I know women deliver much larger, but I'm going to go ahead and assume that delivering a 5-6 pound baby would be less grevious than 8+. When the epidural wore off and I started to really feel that pain, I was completely miserable. Nothing would make it feel better. Baths and showers stung, going to the bathroom was terror-inducing, sitting down on a hard surface was excrutiating. Don't even get me going on post-partum sex.
At Home
If you read my post about breastfeeding, you'd know that it was a really rough start. Add that to everything else I just mentioned and I was in a sorry state. In addition, there is no time to sort through these emotions as the only time you have is consumed by caring for your precious bundle. I had no time to process my thoughts, emotions, and relief and no longer being sickly. Pregnancy was like having a chronic illness and I 'miraculously recovered' but instead of being relieved or rejoicing, I had a whole new basket case of maladies.
My relationship with my spouse suffered big time with the start of this and it is still slowly on the mend. There are many days I just can't sift through all my feelings, mental and physical. I still struggle with both. My 2nd degree tear didn't heal well and I have to deal with that for the rest of my life. That shit's depressing.
You can't expect a child will magically fit into your fabulous freshly-or-seasoned married life. Your child will define your new life. And boy, what a life. I am so blessed. I am blessed by an ever-understanding and patient husband who would go to the moon and back for me and love me with every breath he takes until we return to the dust. I am blessed by my beautiful baby boy who has made me a better person, better wife, daughter, sister. He is the glue to my chaotic existence.
So as the bassinet gets booted out of the house, infant toys and baby equipment go into storage, and my breastpump collects dust, I feel such a tremendous relief that we SURVIVED it. It made me realize that I was trying to pass off my struggles as 'normal' and I kept a lot of my feelings in. I didn't want to appear weak or unable to care for myself or my child or my family. It was a rough couple years. This is the part that pastors refer to '.....in bad times' in wedding vows. Thank God as humans we are given a certain resilience.
I'm aware many people don't understand depression (post partum or otherwise), and that's because they never suffered it or witnessed someone close to them suffer through it, but that doesn't mean it doesn't exist. And it certainly doesn't mean you have the right to judge; we merely wish for support.
I'm almost two years out and sometimes my life is a mess but I can truthfully look around and say 'what a beautiful mess'.
Tuesday, July 29, 2014
PALEO: How I do it and Why I love it
Paleo has become a passion of mine. If you follow me on Instagram @jessicamooch , Twitter @jessicamooch or Facebook, undoubtedly you've seen my somewhat obsessive, albeit excited posts and pics relating to eating paleo. The reason I post these photos and tweet is because I want others to know how ridiculously easy it is to eat paleo and more importantly, how super healthy it is for you.
Disclaimer: This was not something I did overnight. And, although I state it's easy, that doesn't mean I don't have struggles with this life choice. I can also assure you that Travis does NOT like paleo as he is a lover of bread and pasta. I'm trying to get him over to the dark side.... muahahahaha.
HOW I DO IT
I'll start this off with a confession. I drink coffee with *gasp* creamer, French vanilla to be exact. Lord, how would I start the day any other way? 1-2 cups and no caffeine after 10 am. Coffee creamer is NOT paleo, but I never said I followed it religiously. I'd say I'm more 80/20. For breakfast, I usually eat oatmeal with chia seeds (superfood!), or fruit. By mid-morning, I get the munchies so I eat one of my coconut butter melts or more fruit. I've found being prepared helps tremendously to keep one from visiting the vending machine for junk food. Coconut butter melts are basically coconut butter (the meat and oils of coconut pureed into a butter consistency), then I usually add raw local honey, chia seeds, and either fruit or chocolate vegan protein powder. Place into molds in the fridge, and your hunger is satiated in a couple bites, plus, it's paleo and SUPER yummy. I keep those at work. I also keep a baggie of nuts or dried fruit or my homemade fruit leather or fruit roll ups. Hint: If someone wants to get me a gift, I'd like a food dehydrater.
Lunch time. Once again, being prepared. If I don't bring leftovers or food for lunch, I'm screwed. I've started taking a gallon size baggie of spinach or kale to work in the event I do get hungry throughout the day or my lunch wasn't enough. Lifesaver!
Supper, I haven't altered too much at home. Except if I cook with pasta, I get the gluten free kind (not paleo, but better than wheat or whole grains), and if there's bread, I just don't eat it. We eat lots of fresh veggies from the garden or farmer's market or grandma's garden. And I feel ZERO guilt eating a huge, juicy, bloody steak or having 2nd or 3rd helpings as long as it's meat or veggies.
Snacks for me are fruit or yogurt (not paleo), protein shakes or fruit smoothies. Oliver also LOVES my smoothie concoctions and any Annie's organic snacks - the Cheddar Bunnies, the fruit snacks, the knock off teddy grahams, and above all, he LIVES for Annie's organic mac-n-cheese (fortunately, I can get a variety pack of 12 boxes at Costco for a deal!)
Paleo, for me, is about making careful nutritious choices. Or, a lesser of the evils choice. For example, Oliver loves hot dogs, like any kid. When we get hot dots, I buy turkey franks. I also try to buy organic, grass fed meats. (Travis wasn't too keen on the idea of me having chickens in the yard.... party pooper). For you boozers out there *nervously looks away*, most wines are gluten free and there are some apple ales/hard cider that are gluten free (less of the evils). Avoid summer shandy's, wheat beers, blue moon, and dark alcohol. If you're gonna have the hard stuff, go with clear liquids, like vodka, gin, tequila (the clear one....is it silver??).
Now, the backbone to my paleo transformation comes from replacing basics from my cupboards. Toss out your white flour, distilled white sugar, cornstarch, and margarine. In their place, have gluten free flour (made from flax seed meal, quinoa, etc), organic cane sugar, arrowroot powder, coconut oil, organic butter or ghee. Finally, destroy all FOOD DYES!!!!
WHY I LOVE IT
Can you imagine never feeling bloated, lethargic, and/or weighed down? I knew that gluten was 'bad' and I knew certain foods made me feel shitty, but being able to narrow it down to wheat and grains and sugar was eye-opening. I read through many cook books, blogs, and studies, but finally found a 'hard facts', historical evidence, light-bulb-turning-on book to fully understand what I was about to undergo....The Paleo Manifesto.
It gives the scientific and historical background of the paleo lifestyle or "caveman diet". Genetically, our bodies are designed to eat meat, fruits, veggies, and nuts - essentially what nature provides or grows. NOT grains and processed food and sugars. The early humans lived off the land and what nature provided. When the agricultural boom started and grains were planted and introduced, scientists discovered that the skeletal remains of the humans after this monumental point in history actually had far worse dental decay, brittle bones, and died young largely from chronic inflammatory diseases. Those of the 'cavemen' had strong bones, little to no decay in their teeth, and minimal indication of disease, and were actually significantly taller. Unfortunately, for our early ancestors, their issue wasn't their diet, it was survival of the fittest against beasts and other mammals as well as natural elements. Paleo is what our bodies were meant to do/eat/live. Yes, we evolve, as science shows millennia after millennia, but what grains and gluten and processed sugar have done for the human digestive system is appalling and inflammatory!
Try a month of paleo or 'mostly paleo', heck! try 2 weeks! I challenge you.... I double dog dare you! This is nutrition and general well-being. I don't count points or calories. I don't step on a scale every day. I don't get measurements.
So forgive my obnoxious #paleo posts and indulge me my joy toward being the healthy woman God created me to be.
.JPG)
Disclaimer: This was not something I did overnight. And, although I state it's easy, that doesn't mean I don't have struggles with this life choice. I can also assure you that Travis does NOT like paleo as he is a lover of bread and pasta. I'm trying to get him over to the dark side.... muahahahaha.
HOW I DO IT
I'll start this off with a confession. I drink coffee with *gasp* creamer, French vanilla to be exact. Lord, how would I start the day any other way? 1-2 cups and no caffeine after 10 am. Coffee creamer is NOT paleo, but I never said I followed it religiously. I'd say I'm more 80/20. For breakfast, I usually eat oatmeal with chia seeds (superfood!), or fruit. By mid-morning, I get the munchies so I eat one of my coconut butter melts or more fruit. I've found being prepared helps tremendously to keep one from visiting the vending machine for junk food. Coconut butter melts are basically coconut butter (the meat and oils of coconut pureed into a butter consistency), then I usually add raw local honey, chia seeds, and either fruit or chocolate vegan protein powder. Place into molds in the fridge, and your hunger is satiated in a couple bites, plus, it's paleo and SUPER yummy. I keep those at work. I also keep a baggie of nuts or dried fruit or my homemade fruit leather or fruit roll ups. Hint: If someone wants to get me a gift, I'd like a food dehydrater.
 |
| Strawberry and peach fruit roll ups - sweetened with raw local honey |
Lunch time. Once again, being prepared. If I don't bring leftovers or food for lunch, I'm screwed. I've started taking a gallon size baggie of spinach or kale to work in the event I do get hungry throughout the day or my lunch wasn't enough. Lifesaver!
.JPG) |
| This Amazon coconut water is, by far, the BEST coconut water on earth!! |
Supper, I haven't altered too much at home. Except if I cook with pasta, I get the gluten free kind (not paleo, but better than wheat or whole grains), and if there's bread, I just don't eat it. We eat lots of fresh veggies from the garden or farmer's market or grandma's garden. And I feel ZERO guilt eating a huge, juicy, bloody steak or having 2nd or 3rd helpings as long as it's meat or veggies.
Snacks for me are fruit or yogurt (not paleo), protein shakes or fruit smoothies. Oliver also LOVES my smoothie concoctions and any Annie's organic snacks - the Cheddar Bunnies, the fruit snacks, the knock off teddy grahams, and above all, he LIVES for Annie's organic mac-n-cheese (fortunately, I can get a variety pack of 12 boxes at Costco for a deal!)
.JPG) |
| This blend was two bananas, ice, almond butter, almond milk, and egg white protein powder. Stay away from soy and whey!!! (hey! that rhymed! :P) |
Paleo, for me, is about making careful nutritious choices. Or, a lesser of the evils choice. For example, Oliver loves hot dogs, like any kid. When we get hot dots, I buy turkey franks. I also try to buy organic, grass fed meats. (Travis wasn't too keen on the idea of me having chickens in the yard.... party pooper). For you boozers out there *nervously looks away*, most wines are gluten free and there are some apple ales/hard cider that are gluten free (less of the evils). Avoid summer shandy's, wheat beers, blue moon, and dark alcohol. If you're gonna have the hard stuff, go with clear liquids, like vodka, gin, tequila (the clear one....is it silver??).
Now, the backbone to my paleo transformation comes from replacing basics from my cupboards. Toss out your white flour, distilled white sugar, cornstarch, and margarine. In their place, have gluten free flour (made from flax seed meal, quinoa, etc), organic cane sugar, arrowroot powder, coconut oil, organic butter or ghee. Finally, destroy all FOOD DYES!!!!
WHY I LOVE IT
Can you imagine never feeling bloated, lethargic, and/or weighed down? I knew that gluten was 'bad' and I knew certain foods made me feel shitty, but being able to narrow it down to wheat and grains and sugar was eye-opening. I read through many cook books, blogs, and studies, but finally found a 'hard facts', historical evidence, light-bulb-turning-on book to fully understand what I was about to undergo....The Paleo Manifesto.
Try a month of paleo or 'mostly paleo', heck! try 2 weeks! I challenge you.... I double dog dare you! This is nutrition and general well-being. I don't count points or calories. I don't step on a scale every day. I don't get measurements.
So forgive my obnoxious #paleo posts and indulge me my joy toward being the healthy woman God created me to be.
Tuesday, July 8, 2014
Sleep woes and tattoos
Things are ... quiet. Meaning my body is functioning properly. I have had no flares, discomfort, diarrhea, constipation, bleeding, nothing. I have regular BM's (as mom calls them). My last Remicade IV infusion was March 2014. Since about that time, I have also been free from other medications. That's 4 months without prescribed medications! I haven't been free from medication in probably almost 10 years. It's liberating and a little scary.
I will say this, I still struggle sleeping. The reason I loved Ambien SO MUCH is because that shit works. I could drink an espresso at 9pm, take 10 mg of Ambien, and i'd be snoozing within 20 minutes. Now? Well, despite the couple of herbs and holistic/homeopathic measures I have tried, I still struggle to fall asleep and stay asleep. I'm probably getting 6 hours average a night, which is terrible for so many reasons. Ironically, my kid finally starts sleeping 11 hours straight at night and I can't even sleep when he is. That is probably more frustrating than anything. So, I don't want to say that all my endeavors are necessarily a success....yet. But that's ok. I'm not going to give up trying to find something that will work for me. If I could just do an 'on/off' switch for my brain, i'd be the happiest girl alive! That's my problem - I cannot shut my brain off. I lay there and think
"yay! If I fall asleep in the next 30 minutes, I'll get about 7 hours of sleep".....45 minutes later, "crap, I hope I fall asleep soon, I'm only going to get 6 hours if I'm lucky"....goes over agenda for tomorrow .....work stuff.....did Oliver poop today?.....crap, when did I schedule my haircut?.....i wish I had more money.....mo' money mo' problems.....I LOVE my new tattoo.....maybe I should check on Oliver?.....what if he stopped breathing????!!!!????......stop being paranoid, he's fine...........what is Travis DOING downstairs til 12:30?!......probably watching Dr. Who......I should file my nails.....ugh, if i don't fall asleep soon, I'm only going to get 5 hours of sleep......I wonder what my Sanford balance is.....I wish I had more money.......maybe we should get a minivan........I wish Oliver ate better tonight.......He's so cute.....I have the cutest baby ever!!!........why am I still awake??!!.....
I've tried Valerian root, calms forte, teas. I just don't know if I truly have the capability of falling asleep in under 2 hours and getting continuous restful sleep. The only period of time that I was getting decent sleep was when Oliver actually was sleeping through the night and I was taking Ambien. I am now struggling with whether I want to get back on it.
Alluding to my LOVE my tattoo statement, I got a tattoo on Saturday. It says and the sun shone upon her. It's from Lord of the Rings Return of the King. The context of the text is Eowyn, the Elven princess realizes she is in love. At that point, she doesn't want to be a swordslayer anymore. She wants to nurture and love things that grow. The line is “And then her heart changed, or at least she understood it; and the winter passed, and the sun shone upon her.” I felt this was appropriate for me. When Oliver came earth side, something in me changed. I felt a different kind of love. Not necessarily the love I have for Travis, which is expansive and wonderful and almost telepathic. This kind of love was a nurturing love, a fierce protecting type of love. I wanted to provide for him the way God has provided for me by meeting mammal's needs when he created Earth. I wanted to be whole and clean and pure for him and our relationship. I wanted to give him the best breastmilk I could provide. I wanted to give him an optimal beginning. This was Eowyn's enlightening. This is my journey.
Genesis 1:29 - And God said, Behold, I have given you every herb bearing seed, which [is] upon the face of all the earth, and every tree, in the which [is] the fruit of a tree yielding seed; to you it shall be for meat.
Genesis 9:3 - Every moving thing that liveth shall be meat for you; even as the green herb have I given you all things.
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I will say this, I still struggle sleeping. The reason I loved Ambien SO MUCH is because that shit works. I could drink an espresso at 9pm, take 10 mg of Ambien, and i'd be snoozing within 20 minutes. Now? Well, despite the couple of herbs and holistic/homeopathic measures I have tried, I still struggle to fall asleep and stay asleep. I'm probably getting 6 hours average a night, which is terrible for so many reasons. Ironically, my kid finally starts sleeping 11 hours straight at night and I can't even sleep when he is. That is probably more frustrating than anything. So, I don't want to say that all my endeavors are necessarily a success....yet. But that's ok. I'm not going to give up trying to find something that will work for me. If I could just do an 'on/off' switch for my brain, i'd be the happiest girl alive! That's my problem - I cannot shut my brain off. I lay there and think
"yay! If I fall asleep in the next 30 minutes, I'll get about 7 hours of sleep".....45 minutes later, "crap, I hope I fall asleep soon, I'm only going to get 6 hours if I'm lucky"....goes over agenda for tomorrow .....work stuff.....did Oliver poop today?.....crap, when did I schedule my haircut?.....i wish I had more money.....mo' money mo' problems.....I LOVE my new tattoo.....maybe I should check on Oliver?.....what if he stopped breathing????!!!!????......stop being paranoid, he's fine...........what is Travis DOING downstairs til 12:30?!......probably watching Dr. Who......I should file my nails.....ugh, if i don't fall asleep soon, I'm only going to get 5 hours of sleep......I wonder what my Sanford balance is.....I wish I had more money.......maybe we should get a minivan........I wish Oliver ate better tonight.......He's so cute.....I have the cutest baby ever!!!........why am I still awake??!!.....
I've tried Valerian root, calms forte, teas. I just don't know if I truly have the capability of falling asleep in under 2 hours and getting continuous restful sleep. The only period of time that I was getting decent sleep was when Oliver actually was sleeping through the night and I was taking Ambien. I am now struggling with whether I want to get back on it.
Alluding to my LOVE my tattoo statement, I got a tattoo on Saturday. It says and the sun shone upon her. It's from Lord of the Rings Return of the King. The context of the text is Eowyn, the Elven princess realizes she is in love. At that point, she doesn't want to be a swordslayer anymore. She wants to nurture and love things that grow. The line is “And then her heart changed, or at least she understood it; and the winter passed, and the sun shone upon her.” I felt this was appropriate for me. When Oliver came earth side, something in me changed. I felt a different kind of love. Not necessarily the love I have for Travis, which is expansive and wonderful and almost telepathic. This kind of love was a nurturing love, a fierce protecting type of love. I wanted to provide for him the way God has provided for me by meeting mammal's needs when he created Earth. I wanted to be whole and clean and pure for him and our relationship. I wanted to give him the best breastmilk I could provide. I wanted to give him an optimal beginning. This was Eowyn's enlightening. This is my journey.
Genesis 9:3 - Every moving thing that liveth shall be meat for you; even as the green herb have I given you all things.
Monday, June 16, 2014
Products for the Lactating mother
I often wonder how lactating women survived without the modern conveniences we have now! I can't imagine what they had to suffer without having a breast pump or lanolin nipple cream! It makes me cringe to think about it. I took full advantage of that very small section at the drug stores that offered breastfeeding mothers' products. You can find these squeezed at the end of the shelf next to the hundreds of cans of formula.
First and foremost:
Double Electric Breast Pump
I used the Medela Pump In Style. I was the third owner (that I know of). These things are hella-expensive but a friend gave me hers because she was done with it and she bought it from a second hand store. Brand new, they're over $200.00 but I have seen them occasionally at 2nd hand stores and garage sales for much cheaper. Having a double electric breast pump is ESSENTIAL for breastfeeding success as a working mother. Of course, having one regardless of working outside of the home is super beneficial. I spent countless hours in a freezing cold utility closet at work for 15 months pumping and if I didn't have a double electric pump and hand to hand express or do a single manual pump??.... that would be a full time job right there! In addition, it is also essential that you get a hands free bra. You can buy these (Medela makes one) so you can attach your shields and then still do other things while seated (other than have to hold those darn things), like go through paperwork, attend to your baby, putz around on FB, reach for the remote, etc. A very clever lactation consultant recommended I take an old bra and cut holes in the cups and use that instead of buying one. Brilliant!
Nipple Cream
I tried a couple different ones. The Lansinoh brand - it was like beeswax. Super sticky - not pliable, not conducive for application. Ultimately, I found the nectar of the Gods: Medela Lanolin nipple cream. It's an all natural product to soothe sore, chapped nipples and is safe for baby to ingest. If they sold it at Costco, I would have bought a bonus pack.
Breastmilk Freezer Storage Bags
I tried a LOT of these. Lansinoh, Nuk, Medela, Target brand, Walmart brand. Conclusion: Lansinoh hold at least 8 oz and a very tight 10 oz, are cheaper, and the only brand I actually could find coupons for. Having said that, the bags are thinner and I had about 12-15 bust open over the course of probably a couple hundred of these bags. So I tried to leave those as a last resort option. But because of the previously mentioned attributes (price and capacity), I ended up buying them more than I'd hoped to. Medela could only hold about 6 oz but were decent bags. My favorite (for the price, capacity and strength of bag) was the Nuk, with the Target off brand a close runner up. They held a good 8 oz and were very sturdy and laid well when frozen.
Medela Quick Clean Micro-Steam Bags
Because I'd pump 3-4 times a day at work, in addition to night time pumping, washing the parts became tedious and downright annoying. A friend told me about these and I was elated! One bag can steam clean at least 4 parts with just a couple oz of water in the microwave and you can reuse it 20X!! I still washed my parts but would often use this at work just for the ease of use and so I could get right back to work. Downright amazing!
Medela Quick Clean Wipes
Along that same line are the Quick Clean Wipes. I liked to keep a package of these up in my bedroom after night time pumping sessions.
Thera-Pearl 3 in 1
I discovered these at Lewis Drug while trying to find a good bottle/nipple for Oliver since he wasn't liking the bottle much after I'd gone back to work. I heated these up in the microwave for about 15 seconds before I pumped in the utility closet at work. The closet had to be kept at 60 degrees because of the electrical equipment so it was FRIGID while being topless pumping. These were a lifesaver for me. I'd heat them up then place them on top of my breastshields and kept nice and toasty. You can also freeze them. One of my co-workers actually went and bought these when she was going through a masectomy after I told her about how amazing they were. She found it to be quite beneficial since the pearls form around your breast and are not a typical freezer pack or heating pack. I also found them to be soothing while cold on my thrush-filled breasts.
Bottles for the Breastfed baby
Finally, I struggled profoundly looking for a bottle that Oliver would be able to make relatively easy transitions from breast to artificial nipple while I was at work. I tried Avent, Nuk, Medela, Tommy Tippee, Lansinoh, and then (per recommendation of another wonderful lactation consultant), the 1st Years Breastflow. I found that even the 'slow flow' nipples with most brands were incredibly FAST!!! They practically poured out! And because breastmilk is thinner than formula, it really was pouring out of those nipples and drowning poor Oliver. I was only able to find the 1st Years Breastflow online on Amazon or at a baby store and they only had a starter pack. The flow is a bit slower than any others I found and the nipple was much more pliable but (annoyingly) collapsible. Nonetheless, due to the flow, I just stuck with these ones.
I also got the Lansinoh Momma 'boob bottle' that my mom used occasionally with him. The bottle is shaped like a boob, so I guess it's supposed to be an easy transition. It was.... meh.
Maternity bras and nursing pads
This topic still kind of perturbs me. When I was in the throes of thrush, I was advised to wear 100% cotton bras. Do you know how hard it is to find 100% cotton nursing bras?! Impossible! I went to Motherhood Maternity, Target, online, you name it. Most are made with Lycra and silk. For real??!! What mother wants to wear a silk bra while her boobs are leaking and her nipples are bleeding? Eventually I found a couple mostly cotton at Target that fell apart after about 4-6 months. My favorite, though was the Medela Bravada bra. It was 95% cotton and a basic racer back with a wide band around the chest and easy to snap and unsnap cups. All the other 'cute' maternity bras with underwires and 'lift' are worthless and uncomfortable. I came to the conclusion that while I was nursing, I would never wear a 'cute' bra. I got over it pretty quick.
Along with that are nursing pads. I remember my mom always used reusable cloth ones and that seemed to work for her. They are quite popular with the 'crunchy mamas', especially the ones that cloth diaper, etc. Out of convenience (and as a mother I think we all truly do appreciate that), I usually used the Lansinoh brand disposable nursing pads. I did try Medela and Nuk but found that they didn't stay in place in the cup and were super thick and bulky. Lansinoh was the 'panty liner' of nursing pads, while the others seemed to be the 'overnight pads'.
Bottom line: Breastfeeding products are difficult to find and discouragingly expensive. I had to find a lot of these items online or at a medical equipment store and most were pricey. Target carried a lot of these items but were often out of stock. These hurdles hinder breastfeeding mothers, especially low income mothers. I do know that WIC helps cover costs of breast pumps, and most insurances help cover those costs, too. Also, if you're working, you can start a Flex account to try and help with some of the costs. I do know that the sanitizing cloths qualify for flex reimbursement. Unfortunately, the steam bags, nipple cream, and storage bags do not. Having said that, these products are still astronomically cheaper than formula feeding. This post is only to relay what I found to be most conducive/helpful for my needs and Oliver's. Unfortunately, these were all trial and error but if it helps any of you, I am happy to be at your disposal!
First and foremost:
Double Electric Breast Pump
I used the Medela Pump In Style. I was the third owner (that I know of). These things are hella-expensive but a friend gave me hers because she was done with it and she bought it from a second hand store. Brand new, they're over $200.00 but I have seen them occasionally at 2nd hand stores and garage sales for much cheaper. Having a double electric breast pump is ESSENTIAL for breastfeeding success as a working mother. Of course, having one regardless of working outside of the home is super beneficial. I spent countless hours in a freezing cold utility closet at work for 15 months pumping and if I didn't have a double electric pump and hand to hand express or do a single manual pump??.... that would be a full time job right there! In addition, it is also essential that you get a hands free bra. You can buy these (Medela makes one) so you can attach your shields and then still do other things while seated (other than have to hold those darn things), like go through paperwork, attend to your baby, putz around on FB, reach for the remote, etc. A very clever lactation consultant recommended I take an old bra and cut holes in the cups and use that instead of buying one. Brilliant!
 |
| I purchased my own bottles, flanges, cords, shields, etc at a baby store, a medical equipment store or Target. |
I tried a couple different ones. The Lansinoh brand - it was like beeswax. Super sticky - not pliable, not conducive for application. Ultimately, I found the nectar of the Gods: Medela Lanolin nipple cream. It's an all natural product to soothe sore, chapped nipples and is safe for baby to ingest. If they sold it at Costco, I would have bought a bonus pack.
Breastmilk Freezer Storage Bags
I tried a LOT of these. Lansinoh, Nuk, Medela, Target brand, Walmart brand. Conclusion: Lansinoh hold at least 8 oz and a very tight 10 oz, are cheaper, and the only brand I actually could find coupons for. Having said that, the bags are thinner and I had about 12-15 bust open over the course of probably a couple hundred of these bags. So I tried to leave those as a last resort option. But because of the previously mentioned attributes (price and capacity), I ended up buying them more than I'd hoped to. Medela could only hold about 6 oz but were decent bags. My favorite (for the price, capacity and strength of bag) was the Nuk, with the Target off brand a close runner up. They held a good 8 oz and were very sturdy and laid well when frozen.
Medela Quick Clean Micro-Steam Bags
Because I'd pump 3-4 times a day at work, in addition to night time pumping, washing the parts became tedious and downright annoying. A friend told me about these and I was elated! One bag can steam clean at least 4 parts with just a couple oz of water in the microwave and you can reuse it 20X!! I still washed my parts but would often use this at work just for the ease of use and so I could get right back to work. Downright amazing!
Medela Quick Clean Wipes
Along that same line are the Quick Clean Wipes. I liked to keep a package of these up in my bedroom after night time pumping sessions.
Thera-Pearl 3 in 1
I discovered these at Lewis Drug while trying to find a good bottle/nipple for Oliver since he wasn't liking the bottle much after I'd gone back to work. I heated these up in the microwave for about 15 seconds before I pumped in the utility closet at work. The closet had to be kept at 60 degrees because of the electrical equipment so it was FRIGID while being topless pumping. These were a lifesaver for me. I'd heat them up then place them on top of my breastshields and kept nice and toasty. You can also freeze them. One of my co-workers actually went and bought these when she was going through a masectomy after I told her about how amazing they were. She found it to be quite beneficial since the pearls form around your breast and are not a typical freezer pack or heating pack. I also found them to be soothing while cold on my thrush-filled breasts.
Bottles for the Breastfed baby
Finally, I struggled profoundly looking for a bottle that Oliver would be able to make relatively easy transitions from breast to artificial nipple while I was at work. I tried Avent, Nuk, Medela, Tommy Tippee, Lansinoh, and then (per recommendation of another wonderful lactation consultant), the 1st Years Breastflow. I found that even the 'slow flow' nipples with most brands were incredibly FAST!!! They practically poured out! And because breastmilk is thinner than formula, it really was pouring out of those nipples and drowning poor Oliver. I was only able to find the 1st Years Breastflow online on Amazon or at a baby store and they only had a starter pack. The flow is a bit slower than any others I found and the nipple was much more pliable but (annoyingly) collapsible. Nonetheless, due to the flow, I just stuck with these ones.
I also got the Lansinoh Momma 'boob bottle' that my mom used occasionally with him. The bottle is shaped like a boob, so I guess it's supposed to be an easy transition. It was.... meh.
Maternity bras and nursing pads
This topic still kind of perturbs me. When I was in the throes of thrush, I was advised to wear 100% cotton bras. Do you know how hard it is to find 100% cotton nursing bras?! Impossible! I went to Motherhood Maternity, Target, online, you name it. Most are made with Lycra and silk. For real??!! What mother wants to wear a silk bra while her boobs are leaking and her nipples are bleeding? Eventually I found a couple mostly cotton at Target that fell apart after about 4-6 months. My favorite, though was the Medela Bravada bra. It was 95% cotton and a basic racer back with a wide band around the chest and easy to snap and unsnap cups. All the other 'cute' maternity bras with underwires and 'lift' are worthless and uncomfortable. I came to the conclusion that while I was nursing, I would never wear a 'cute' bra. I got over it pretty quick.
Along with that are nursing pads. I remember my mom always used reusable cloth ones and that seemed to work for her. They are quite popular with the 'crunchy mamas', especially the ones that cloth diaper, etc. Out of convenience (and as a mother I think we all truly do appreciate that), I usually used the Lansinoh brand disposable nursing pads. I did try Medela and Nuk but found that they didn't stay in place in the cup and were super thick and bulky. Lansinoh was the 'panty liner' of nursing pads, while the others seemed to be the 'overnight pads'.
Bottom line: Breastfeeding products are difficult to find and discouragingly expensive. I had to find a lot of these items online or at a medical equipment store and most were pricey. Target carried a lot of these items but were often out of stock. These hurdles hinder breastfeeding mothers, especially low income mothers. I do know that WIC helps cover costs of breast pumps, and most insurances help cover those costs, too. Also, if you're working, you can start a Flex account to try and help with some of the costs. I do know that the sanitizing cloths qualify for flex reimbursement. Unfortunately, the steam bags, nipple cream, and storage bags do not. Having said that, these products are still astronomically cheaper than formula feeding. This post is only to relay what I found to be most conducive/helpful for my needs and Oliver's. Unfortunately, these were all trial and error but if it helps any of you, I am happy to be at your disposal!
Monday, June 2, 2014
Breastfeeding - my greatest accomplishment
I consider myself to be a well-rounded person. I'm well-educated, well-traveled, have a career-ish job, have a wonderful, supportive family. You'd think my greatest accomplishment would be related to one of the former attributes. All of these pale in comparison to my breastfeeding journey and SUCCESS.
I went into it with the thought "I'll give it a try, but if it doesn't work, then at least I tried". Looking back, that is the WORST attitude to have breastfeeding. Luckily for Oliver and me, I am a very determined and stubborn person and I MADE it work.
Travis and I attended a breastfeeding class when I was pregnant and we were fed the facts: breastfeeding is optimal feeding for babies (and beyond). Breastmilk is full of immunities, protects against bugs/germs, decreases the risk of obesity, heart problems, illnesses....the list goes on and on. And, for moms, it reduces the risk for breast and cervical cancer drastically, plus helps you shed those pregnancy pounds. Not to mention the bonding between mom and baby that can NEVER be duplicated with a bottle. Ok, so I agreed with everything in the class, this is a good thing for your baby. I practiced with a stuffed animal (a blue rabbit my mom got Ollie), I read all the books, I did all the research. I was prepared.
Yeah, right.
I was so incredibly unprepared for what was about to begin. Not to say that my research and the class didn't have benefits. But nothing in life can truly prepare you until you actually experience what you had 'prepared' for.
I knew I wanted to breastfeed because of its obvious health benefits, it's FREE, and I wanted that closeness with my baby. My mom breastfed all of her 6 children. Some of them she was able to breastfeed a few months, and others (mostly my youngest 3 siblings), to a year. She successfully breastfed over 30 years ago when most women were bottle feeding...This was rare because my generations' mother's mothers were told by doctors that formula was actualy superior (back in the 50's). Which is so ridiculous because women have been sustaining their young for millenia...since the dawn of time with their breastmilk, then scientists come out with a powdered formula and tell mothers that what they made in a factory with research only a few years old is actually superior to what our bodies produce? puleez. So, anyway, my mom didn't feed into this. She paved the way for me and was successful despite the setbacks she experienced (weaning earlier than she had hoped, a baby that just wouldn't take to the breast, and colic, not to mention she didn't have a double electric pump!!! say what???!!!) Needless to say, I was exposed to breastfeeding, it was normal to me, and my mom was always nonchalant about it. She didn't make it a 'big deal'....because it isn't. It's natural, it's what our bodies were meant to do for our baby, it's beautiful.
I had Oliver in a hopsital following a drug-induced induction. My L&D will be another story because in retrospect, I wish I had done things differently but this is yet another example of how we can't fully appreciate a life experience until it's in the past. We had skin to skin immediately after birth. I asked the nurse about an hour later if I should try and nurse, she said to go ahead and try. Feeding Oliver wasn't at all like feeding that stuffed rabbit. This child had a very intense suck. I jumped the first time he latched on. He took right to it, like the hungry little monster he was and I thought, well, this isn't so bad. I didn't think he was getting anything out though and I expressed concern over that. The nurses assured me he was gettting colostrum (this AMAZING supermilk that your body produces before your milk actually 'comes in'.) I tried to feed him every 2-3 hours in the first 12 hours or so. Truthfully, I didn't know how often I was supposed to feed him because he was sleeping the majority of those 12 hours. My after delivery nurses were supportive as well as the lactation consultants. After about 12 hours of very painful nursing, they started to intervene a bit. They brought me some cooling pads to place on my nipples, as well as lanolin, God's gift to breastfeeding women. That seemed to help some but once I placed him back on the breast, it became more and more painful. So after that 12 hour mark, I was still trying to feeding him but it was excrutiating. About 24 hours after his birth, each time I latched him on, my toes would curl in agony. I didn't want to scream because I didn't want to scare anyone but I really really really wanted to release a blood curdling scream each time he latched on. I was so tense, my body jumped each time he sucked. I was actually dreading feeding him and he was barely a day old! My nipples were cracked and blistered and bleeding. One of the lactation nurses tried to hand express the colostrum out but all that came was blood....quite a bit of it actually. She said it was ok for Ollie to ingest a little of the blood, as long as he was getting colostrum with it. So the first couple weeks, Ollie drank bloody mary's. He was like a little vampire... ravenous, insatiable, and literally had blood dripping out of his mouth. At one point, I was crying so hard from the pain, that my lactation nurse started crying with me. That is when you know someone has true compassion. She had breastfed her children as well, she told me, and her last one she had similar issues and really knew the pain I was going through.
When we went home, it didn't get much better. I had Oliver on a Wednesday morning at 2:24 and my milk didn't come in until Saturday. That's a long ass time to wait for your milk to come in. I know it came in on Saturday b/c I was pumping from the get go. I wanted to establish my supply, ensure there was something coming out other than blood, and if it was too dreadful to think of latching Ollie on, I would syringue my breast milk into his mouth. This continued for a couple weeks. My nipples did stop bleeding after a couple weeks. But Ollie didn't give me much of a break because he fed sometimes every 30 minutes. Like I said, this kid was ravenous. I was assured he was getting enough, but because breastmilk is thinner than formula, it runs through them faster, therefore, they need to feed more. Plus, feeding him on-demand kept my supply at a jersey cow level.
About 3-4 weeks after birth, Ollie and I developed thrush. We basically passed it back and forth for about 3 months. And if I thought bleeding nipples was painful....THIS.....This is by far the worst pain you can ever imagine. It can be described as shards of glass making its way through your breasts when baby feeds. When baby isn't feeding, you get random stabbing pains. Even taking a breath was excrutiating. I walked around like I was holding a bunch of eggs on my chest and I was afraid to break them. Any type of touch was white hot pain seering through my body. I did a couple rounds of antibiotics....no good....gentian violet......no good, switched to 100% cotton nursing bras.....meh, maybe helped. But because thrush is yeast, it takes FOREVER to rid your body of it. My OBGYN even told me she had it and it took a couple months to get rid of. Seriously, the worst. pain. ever. The Thanksgiving after he was born (so he was around 6 weeks), I was with my mom and sisters at her family's thanksgiving and I was sitting in the car feeding him and I cried out in pain. My mom said, "is it still hurting"? I said "you have no idea". That was when I discovered I had thrush. It was hell. I also believe that his thrush was partially due to a slight tongue tie. His pediatrician confirmed he did indeed have a tongue tie. They can be snipped, but it wasn't substantial enough where he thought it would make a difference, so I decided not to do it and to just keep trying.
In addition to these first few months of struggles, I did get mastitis three times over the course of my breastfeeding journey. AKA milk fever. That shit sucks too. High fever, lethargy, general feeling of 'unwell'. Luckily, they mostly derived from plugged ducts and Ollie was incredibly efficient at sucking those buggers out, with creative positioning.
Time passed and by the time Ollie was around 5-6 months, we had the hang of it. He was still feeding frequently...every 1-2 hours. But I happily fed him because it's not my job to tell him when he's supposed to be hungry. If he's hungry, I'll feed him, simple as that.
I was suprised by the lack of understanding and education I experienced from my peers, friends, and family. Lots of mothers told me that I'd gone long enough (even at 6-7 months), and that he was 'just fine' if I didn't continue to nurse him. or that I'd 'given it a good effort'. No. A good effort isn't try a few times, then giving up becauses it got tough. If anyone had the 'right' to give up, it would have been me. But I don't use trials and challenges as an excuse to quit. I use them as motivation to keep pushing toward my goal.
What I found to be helpful was to make small goals. Initially, I made a goal to get to 6 weeks. Once I got to that point, I made a goal to get to 4 months, then 6 months, then 12 months. When we hit the 12 month marker, I didn't feel that Oliver was ready to quit. And frankly, neither was I. He had only just started showing interest in solids around 10 or 11 months and I didn't feel comfortable putting him on cow milk, which is full of bovine growth hormones and antibiotics. So we breastfed and occasionally I gave him water or almond milk. I stopped pumping at work when Ollie was around 15 months because I wasn't getting more than 5 oz out a day (which is quite the cut from what I used to pump daily! - around 40-50 oz) I was blessed with a surplus supply (thanks to Ollie's appetite and feeding on demand) and we were able to help other mothers by donating over 3000 ounces. What a blessing that Ollie and I were able to help other mothers and babies with their journeys.
I did wean Oliver at 19-20 months. I honestly thought I'd go over 2 years but I reached a point where I was ready to be done and I felt that Oliver would gradually become ok with it. I already did a post on that.... Side note, he's ok. ;)
This is our story. I didn't sugar coat anything because I want to be real. Just because something is natural doesn't mean it's easy. Just because I am happy to do something doesn't make it less painful. And just because I support breastfeeding doesn't mean I don't support mothers who don't breastfeed. But I will attest to my dying day that it was the most beautiful, heartwrenching, greatest accomplishment of my life. Thank you, Oliver, for giving me this gift.
DISCLAIMER:
********************The following are breastfeeding pics. If you don't feel comfortable looking at them, then don't. Also, society may have poisoned you into thinking that breasts are for sexual purposes and not for mothers feeding their young..... ***********************************
.JPG)
I went into it with the thought "I'll give it a try, but if it doesn't work, then at least I tried". Looking back, that is the WORST attitude to have breastfeeding. Luckily for Oliver and me, I am a very determined and stubborn person and I MADE it work.
Travis and I attended a breastfeeding class when I was pregnant and we were fed the facts: breastfeeding is optimal feeding for babies (and beyond). Breastmilk is full of immunities, protects against bugs/germs, decreases the risk of obesity, heart problems, illnesses....the list goes on and on. And, for moms, it reduces the risk for breast and cervical cancer drastically, plus helps you shed those pregnancy pounds. Not to mention the bonding between mom and baby that can NEVER be duplicated with a bottle. Ok, so I agreed with everything in the class, this is a good thing for your baby. I practiced with a stuffed animal (a blue rabbit my mom got Ollie), I read all the books, I did all the research. I was prepared.
Yeah, right.
I was so incredibly unprepared for what was about to begin. Not to say that my research and the class didn't have benefits. But nothing in life can truly prepare you until you actually experience what you had 'prepared' for.
I knew I wanted to breastfeed because of its obvious health benefits, it's FREE, and I wanted that closeness with my baby. My mom breastfed all of her 6 children. Some of them she was able to breastfeed a few months, and others (mostly my youngest 3 siblings), to a year. She successfully breastfed over 30 years ago when most women were bottle feeding...This was rare because my generations' mother's mothers were told by doctors that formula was actualy superior (back in the 50's). Which is so ridiculous because women have been sustaining their young for millenia...since the dawn of time with their breastmilk, then scientists come out with a powdered formula and tell mothers that what they made in a factory with research only a few years old is actually superior to what our bodies produce? puleez. So, anyway, my mom didn't feed into this. She paved the way for me and was successful despite the setbacks she experienced (weaning earlier than she had hoped, a baby that just wouldn't take to the breast, and colic, not to mention she didn't have a double electric pump!!! say what???!!!) Needless to say, I was exposed to breastfeeding, it was normal to me, and my mom was always nonchalant about it. She didn't make it a 'big deal'....because it isn't. It's natural, it's what our bodies were meant to do for our baby, it's beautiful.
I had Oliver in a hopsital following a drug-induced induction. My L&D will be another story because in retrospect, I wish I had done things differently but this is yet another example of how we can't fully appreciate a life experience until it's in the past. We had skin to skin immediately after birth. I asked the nurse about an hour later if I should try and nurse, she said to go ahead and try. Feeding Oliver wasn't at all like feeding that stuffed rabbit. This child had a very intense suck. I jumped the first time he latched on. He took right to it, like the hungry little monster he was and I thought, well, this isn't so bad. I didn't think he was getting anything out though and I expressed concern over that. The nurses assured me he was gettting colostrum (this AMAZING supermilk that your body produces before your milk actually 'comes in'.) I tried to feed him every 2-3 hours in the first 12 hours or so. Truthfully, I didn't know how often I was supposed to feed him because he was sleeping the majority of those 12 hours. My after delivery nurses were supportive as well as the lactation consultants. After about 12 hours of very painful nursing, they started to intervene a bit. They brought me some cooling pads to place on my nipples, as well as lanolin, God's gift to breastfeeding women. That seemed to help some but once I placed him back on the breast, it became more and more painful. So after that 12 hour mark, I was still trying to feeding him but it was excrutiating. About 24 hours after his birth, each time I latched him on, my toes would curl in agony. I didn't want to scream because I didn't want to scare anyone but I really really really wanted to release a blood curdling scream each time he latched on. I was so tense, my body jumped each time he sucked. I was actually dreading feeding him and he was barely a day old! My nipples were cracked and blistered and bleeding. One of the lactation nurses tried to hand express the colostrum out but all that came was blood....quite a bit of it actually. She said it was ok for Ollie to ingest a little of the blood, as long as he was getting colostrum with it. So the first couple weeks, Ollie drank bloody mary's. He was like a little vampire... ravenous, insatiable, and literally had blood dripping out of his mouth. At one point, I was crying so hard from the pain, that my lactation nurse started crying with me. That is when you know someone has true compassion. She had breastfed her children as well, she told me, and her last one she had similar issues and really knew the pain I was going through.
When we went home, it didn't get much better. I had Oliver on a Wednesday morning at 2:24 and my milk didn't come in until Saturday. That's a long ass time to wait for your milk to come in. I know it came in on Saturday b/c I was pumping from the get go. I wanted to establish my supply, ensure there was something coming out other than blood, and if it was too dreadful to think of latching Ollie on, I would syringue my breast milk into his mouth. This continued for a couple weeks. My nipples did stop bleeding after a couple weeks. But Ollie didn't give me much of a break because he fed sometimes every 30 minutes. Like I said, this kid was ravenous. I was assured he was getting enough, but because breastmilk is thinner than formula, it runs through them faster, therefore, they need to feed more. Plus, feeding him on-demand kept my supply at a jersey cow level.
About 3-4 weeks after birth, Ollie and I developed thrush. We basically passed it back and forth for about 3 months. And if I thought bleeding nipples was painful....THIS.....This is by far the worst pain you can ever imagine. It can be described as shards of glass making its way through your breasts when baby feeds. When baby isn't feeding, you get random stabbing pains. Even taking a breath was excrutiating. I walked around like I was holding a bunch of eggs on my chest and I was afraid to break them. Any type of touch was white hot pain seering through my body. I did a couple rounds of antibiotics....no good....gentian violet......no good, switched to 100% cotton nursing bras.....meh, maybe helped. But because thrush is yeast, it takes FOREVER to rid your body of it. My OBGYN even told me she had it and it took a couple months to get rid of. Seriously, the worst. pain. ever. The Thanksgiving after he was born (so he was around 6 weeks), I was with my mom and sisters at her family's thanksgiving and I was sitting in the car feeding him and I cried out in pain. My mom said, "is it still hurting"? I said "you have no idea". That was when I discovered I had thrush. It was hell. I also believe that his thrush was partially due to a slight tongue tie. His pediatrician confirmed he did indeed have a tongue tie. They can be snipped, but it wasn't substantial enough where he thought it would make a difference, so I decided not to do it and to just keep trying.
In addition to these first few months of struggles, I did get mastitis three times over the course of my breastfeeding journey. AKA milk fever. That shit sucks too. High fever, lethargy, general feeling of 'unwell'. Luckily, they mostly derived from plugged ducts and Ollie was incredibly efficient at sucking those buggers out, with creative positioning.
Time passed and by the time Ollie was around 5-6 months, we had the hang of it. He was still feeding frequently...every 1-2 hours. But I happily fed him because it's not my job to tell him when he's supposed to be hungry. If he's hungry, I'll feed him, simple as that.
I was suprised by the lack of understanding and education I experienced from my peers, friends, and family. Lots of mothers told me that I'd gone long enough (even at 6-7 months), and that he was 'just fine' if I didn't continue to nurse him. or that I'd 'given it a good effort'. No. A good effort isn't try a few times, then giving up becauses it got tough. If anyone had the 'right' to give up, it would have been me. But I don't use trials and challenges as an excuse to quit. I use them as motivation to keep pushing toward my goal.
What I found to be helpful was to make small goals. Initially, I made a goal to get to 6 weeks. Once I got to that point, I made a goal to get to 4 months, then 6 months, then 12 months. When we hit the 12 month marker, I didn't feel that Oliver was ready to quit. And frankly, neither was I. He had only just started showing interest in solids around 10 or 11 months and I didn't feel comfortable putting him on cow milk, which is full of bovine growth hormones and antibiotics. So we breastfed and occasionally I gave him water or almond milk. I stopped pumping at work when Ollie was around 15 months because I wasn't getting more than 5 oz out a day (which is quite the cut from what I used to pump daily! - around 40-50 oz) I was blessed with a surplus supply (thanks to Ollie's appetite and feeding on demand) and we were able to help other mothers by donating over 3000 ounces. What a blessing that Ollie and I were able to help other mothers and babies with their journeys.
I did wean Oliver at 19-20 months. I honestly thought I'd go over 2 years but I reached a point where I was ready to be done and I felt that Oliver would gradually become ok with it. I already did a post on that.... Side note, he's ok. ;)
This is our story. I didn't sugar coat anything because I want to be real. Just because something is natural doesn't mean it's easy. Just because I am happy to do something doesn't make it less painful. And just because I support breastfeeding doesn't mean I don't support mothers who don't breastfeed. But I will attest to my dying day that it was the most beautiful, heartwrenching, greatest accomplishment of my life. Thank you, Oliver, for giving me this gift.
DISCLAIMER:
********************The following are breastfeeding pics. If you don't feel comfortable looking at them, then don't. Also, society may have poisoned you into thinking that breasts are for sexual purposes and not for mothers feeding their young..... ***********************************
 |
| I have some other nursing pics from when he was a baby but can't seem to find them. That's ok though because I almost liked breastfeeding a toddler more because he kind of just took charge. :) |
 |
| It wasn't always this serene!! |
.JPG) |
| Nursing giggles :) |
Tuesday, May 20, 2014
But first, let's take a selfie
Let me quickly share with you one of the best selfies I've ever seen. Better than Ellen DeGeneres' Oscar selfie? A close second. When you have a child, you see many firsts....first time rolling over, first steps, first solid foods, first word. THIS. This is Oliver's first selfie.
Moving on......
Last week I did a very brave thing. At least I think it's brave. I cancelled my scheduled infusion. My gastroenterology doctor went into a frenzy and called me. Whoa, not the actual doctor, because doctors don't actually call their patients! He had a nurse not familiar with my case call me and advise me this is a bad idea. I told the nurse I understand where they are coming from; however, it is my decision and I no longer wish to pursue this form of treatment. I didn't go into the full reasons why. I informed her it was becuase of the headaches and migraines that I get with the infusions, which are a HUGE reason why I want to be done with the Remicade infusions. Truly, having a headache every day isn't worth it, in my opinion. I haven't had a headache for two weeks. Want to know why? Because the medicine is wearing off from my last infusion almost 9 weeks ago. I know this because I have taken Remicade for over 3 years. I also know my body better than anyone.
So, after much persuasion, I agreed to come in to be 'informed' of my decision. I went in expecting the worst, and that's exactly what it was. They tried to scare me with impending flares, horrible sickness, prednisone (steroids), and Humira. I told them I was aware. They told me if I wanted to get back on Remicade, likely I wouldn't be as receptive to the medicine b/c my body has built anti-bodies against it now. I told them I was aware. Then, because a doctor can't just let you get off one medication and not prescribe another, I was prescribed Azathiaprine and Mesalamine. Azathiaprine is a low level chemo drug, taken orally. Legally, I had to be told the most severe side effects: high risk of pancreatitis and skin cancer, as well as a supressed immune system. Thanks. And Mesalamine, well, that's low level as well, so not as many risky side effects. Also, the last time I was on Azathiaprine, I was on 50-75 mg/day. He prescribed 400 mg/day. 400 mg/day!!!! I'm sorry......what??!!
I smiled and nodded throughout this process to pacify them. I let them prescribe them. I let them prescribe them with the intent to not take them. I am not going to be compliant. Because part of my ultimate goal is to be healthy of my own accord, by eating clean, exercising, reducing the toxic chemicals I am around, maintaining my stress levels, getting sufficient sleep.
I am brave because I could take the easy way out and just take a pill to avoid the possibility of a flare but I believe in myself, holistic healing, and a higher spiritual being. That's not to say I'm invincible, but I'm putting my faith in these facets with the hope and conviction they keep me strong. That's bravery.
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| EPIC |
Moving on......
Last week I did a very brave thing. At least I think it's brave. I cancelled my scheduled infusion. My gastroenterology doctor went into a frenzy and called me. Whoa, not the actual doctor, because doctors don't actually call their patients! He had a nurse not familiar with my case call me and advise me this is a bad idea. I told the nurse I understand where they are coming from; however, it is my decision and I no longer wish to pursue this form of treatment. I didn't go into the full reasons why. I informed her it was becuase of the headaches and migraines that I get with the infusions, which are a HUGE reason why I want to be done with the Remicade infusions. Truly, having a headache every day isn't worth it, in my opinion. I haven't had a headache for two weeks. Want to know why? Because the medicine is wearing off from my last infusion almost 9 weeks ago. I know this because I have taken Remicade for over 3 years. I also know my body better than anyone.
So, after much persuasion, I agreed to come in to be 'informed' of my decision. I went in expecting the worst, and that's exactly what it was. They tried to scare me with impending flares, horrible sickness, prednisone (steroids), and Humira. I told them I was aware. They told me if I wanted to get back on Remicade, likely I wouldn't be as receptive to the medicine b/c my body has built anti-bodies against it now. I told them I was aware. Then, because a doctor can't just let you get off one medication and not prescribe another, I was prescribed Azathiaprine and Mesalamine. Azathiaprine is a low level chemo drug, taken orally. Legally, I had to be told the most severe side effects: high risk of pancreatitis and skin cancer, as well as a supressed immune system. Thanks. And Mesalamine, well, that's low level as well, so not as many risky side effects. Also, the last time I was on Azathiaprine, I was on 50-75 mg/day. He prescribed 400 mg/day. 400 mg/day!!!! I'm sorry......what??!!
I smiled and nodded throughout this process to pacify them. I let them prescribe them. I let them prescribe them with the intent to not take them. I am not going to be compliant. Because part of my ultimate goal is to be healthy of my own accord, by eating clean, exercising, reducing the toxic chemicals I am around, maintaining my stress levels, getting sufficient sleep.
I am brave because I could take the easy way out and just take a pill to avoid the possibility of a flare but I believe in myself, holistic healing, and a higher spiritual being. That's not to say I'm invincible, but I'm putting my faith in these facets with the hope and conviction they keep me strong. That's bravery.
Tuesday, April 29, 2014
The Leaf Lady
I want to talk about weaning and sleep training Oliver but it's still a sensitive spot for me and I get weapy. Yes, I made this decision to be done with it, but it doesn't make it any easier emotionally. My hormones are changing to a non-lactating woman, my breastfeeding bond is no longer there and I'm learning to cope. It's liberating in some ways but still sad. And here I am talking about it! So I'll stop.
What's been heavy on my mind the past couple months is weighing the pros and cons of doing the Remicade IV infusions for my ulcerative colitis. Here's my list:
PROS:
*Remicade put me in remission and I haven't had a flare up for almost 3 years
*it worked quickly and effectively
*as a result, I haven't had to have a colonoscopy in about 2.5 years (they suck)
*I've always enjoyed Sanford's complimentary meal when I get infused. Usually breakfast for me. Aaaand their excellent selection of newly-released movies. I get to watch the movies I want to watch that Travis refuses to...but only every 8 weeks.
CONS
*Remicade is a chemotherapy - chemotherapy has residual, long-lasting effects
*33% of patients get headaches and migraines (ding ding ding! that's me!)
*many patients also experience fatigue, muscle pain, joint pain (ding ding ding!)
*I am expected to do this treatment indefinitely. That means forever....until they come up with something better, or determine that Remicade is, in fact, harmful. That seems to happen a lot. The FDA is fickle.
Now, let's say hypothetically, I discontinue use (against doctor's orders...believe me, I tried to talk to my GI doc about it, he wasn't supportive) and I don't have issues for months or years or ever! It's possible! Or, what happens if I regress? and I'm back to the place I was almost 4 years ago? anemic from blood loss, severe cramping, fatigue, on multiple medications, undergoing medical procedures. I don't want to go back to that. But I also don't want to continue in the direction I'm headed now: a lifetime of drugs. I want to be healthy. I want to be natural. I want to be youthful. Vivacious. Clean (yes, I shower almost daily). I want to feel alive and energized and rigorous.
My mom goes to an herbalist/nutritionist and she was able to successfully get her off medication a while ago. I'd never really asked for much info about the procedure because, frankly, I wasn't interested at the time. But since we all know per my post a few weeks ago, that in the past year and a half I have been taking strides towards a healthy, paleo, toxin free lifestyle, I wanted to know more about this "leaf lady". Out of curiosity and speculation, I decided to have a consult with Amy. My cleanse and herbal regime is for a different post because honestly, it's a lot but most of what I am taking and was taking over the past 8 weeks or so has gradually decreased. Amy muscle tested me or some might know it as applied kinesiology. Here's a little info about that because if I try and explain it, I'll sound like a weirdo. http://www.goodhealthinfo.net/herbalists/muscle_testing.htm
Whether you choose to follow this lifestyle or not, it doesn't really matter to me. I realize most people will think I'm off my rocker for pursuing this but the most important people in my life understand it and support my decisions OR know well enough just to let me be with my witch's cauldron.
I'm sure you can see which way I'm leaning in regards to my treatment decision. The true test will be how my body handles my disease and if I can truly rely on what nature has provided for millennia to treat and heal my inflammation by means of herbs and holistic healing.
In the meantime, here's my vigilant inspiration. It seems he still loves me despite all ....
 |
| But, mom! I don't want to drink milk from this thing!!! |
PROS:
*Remicade put me in remission and I haven't had a flare up for almost 3 years
*it worked quickly and effectively
*as a result, I haven't had to have a colonoscopy in about 2.5 years (they suck)
*I've always enjoyed Sanford's complimentary meal when I get infused. Usually breakfast for me. Aaaand their excellent selection of newly-released movies. I get to watch the movies I want to watch that Travis refuses to...but only every 8 weeks.
CONS
*Remicade is a chemotherapy - chemotherapy has residual, long-lasting effects
*33% of patients get headaches and migraines (ding ding ding! that's me!)
*many patients also experience fatigue, muscle pain, joint pain (ding ding ding!)
*I am expected to do this treatment indefinitely. That means forever....until they come up with something better, or determine that Remicade is, in fact, harmful. That seems to happen a lot. The FDA is fickle.
Now, let's say hypothetically, I discontinue use (against doctor's orders...believe me, I tried to talk to my GI doc about it, he wasn't supportive) and I don't have issues for months or years or ever! It's possible! Or, what happens if I regress? and I'm back to the place I was almost 4 years ago? anemic from blood loss, severe cramping, fatigue, on multiple medications, undergoing medical procedures. I don't want to go back to that. But I also don't want to continue in the direction I'm headed now: a lifetime of drugs. I want to be healthy. I want to be natural. I want to be youthful. Vivacious. Clean (yes, I shower almost daily). I want to feel alive and energized and rigorous.
My mom goes to an herbalist/nutritionist and she was able to successfully get her off medication a while ago. I'd never really asked for much info about the procedure because, frankly, I wasn't interested at the time. But since we all know per my post a few weeks ago, that in the past year and a half I have been taking strides towards a healthy, paleo, toxin free lifestyle, I wanted to know more about this "leaf lady". Out of curiosity and speculation, I decided to have a consult with Amy. My cleanse and herbal regime is for a different post because honestly, it's a lot but most of what I am taking and was taking over the past 8 weeks or so has gradually decreased. Amy muscle tested me or some might know it as applied kinesiology. Here's a little info about that because if I try and explain it, I'll sound like a weirdo. http://www.goodhealthinfo.net/herbalists/muscle_testing.htm
Whether you choose to follow this lifestyle or not, it doesn't really matter to me. I realize most people will think I'm off my rocker for pursuing this but the most important people in my life understand it and support my decisions OR know well enough just to let me be with my witch's cauldron.
I'm sure you can see which way I'm leaning in regards to my treatment decision. The true test will be how my body handles my disease and if I can truly rely on what nature has provided for millennia to treat and heal my inflammation by means of herbs and holistic healing.
In the meantime, here's my vigilant inspiration. It seems he still loves me despite all ....
Thursday, April 24, 2014
Mommy Guilt and Weaning...it's all as bad as it sounds.
Every milestone we pass as a family with Oliver seems to be the worst. He's never slept the greatest at night but sometimes he'll grace us with a few weeks of sleeping through the night, or at least a 7-8 hour interval, then he'll regress. He always regresses. I don't know what it is about this regression that seems particularly dreadful but maybe it's because I am usually the only one who can soothe him enough to go back to sleep. This is because I breastfeed. During this regression, I have experienced a myriad of mental breakdowns. Most of them have been silent ones that I keep to myself. But Wednesday morning, I got up to the brutal alarm after hitting snooze way too many times and immediately started crying. I mourned the loss of sleep for the past year and a half. I mourned the loss of my husband and our intimacy due to exhaustion and a needy, whiny, colicky child. I mourned the loss of my feeling of self because my entire being was so focused and at the disposal of my child. I mourned the loss of my youthful luster, now replaced with a haggard 29 year old. I mourned the loss of having more time to myself, with my friends, my husband. Wednesday morning was the morning I cried all the way through my shower, while getting ready (I forgoed mascara that day), and all the way to work. I stopped once I got to work, because, if there's anything Joan from Mad Men taught us, you don't bring your personal stuff to work - you leave that at home. Thanks, Joanie. Truthfully, I've learned a lot more from her than that :) So I did what any adult woman and mother would do...I called my mom and cried on the phone with her too. I told her if she couldn't take her grandson, I would not hesitate to call Grandma J and ship him off to the farm for a week. Either scenario would be fine for me, but that was to prove my desperation for needing to be away from him. I had a list of other people in my arsenal, including his Aunt Amanda, cousin Kelly and his bash brother, Sutton, or a couple of friends. My mom understood my urgency for needing to be away from my son and said she would take him for two nights ... consecutively! A year ago, I would have said no way would I want to be away from my baby for that long! Now? I packed his bags immediately and said, "Ollie, you're going to have a sleepover with gwamuh".
Now this fateful Wednesday morning of sobbing, I came to the decision I did not want to breastfeed anymore. My good friend, Breanna, encouraged me by saying I made it further than most moms make it and I should be proud of myself. Don't get me wrong, I am. But when your child cries incessantly for 'na's!' 'na na's??!!' and rubs his forehead into your chest and pats his chubby little hand on your breasts, the emotional part of it is excrutiating. I am reassured that while breastmilk has served him well into toddlerhood, he does get his needed nutrients elsewhere and this has been an added bonus at this point. My co-worker reminded me that while we as mothers want to reach a certain goal as a parent, sometimes, our mental well-being is more important and that Oliver will benefit from that too. It is at this time that I realized mentally and emotionally, my heart wasn't in it anymore. Ollie was only feeding once or twice in a 24 hour period anyway, so that makes it a little better I suppose. Now onto sleepover time with Grandma.....He didn't sleep any better for her, he woke up 4 times during the night. Today, my parents had things they had to do so I went to their house to pick him up at 4pm today and had him until 815. This sounds terrible... I picked up my kid for a few hours just to drop him back off. We went to the park and that kept him distracted enough that he wasn't asking for na's. Then shit hit the fan when we tried to have supper with Auntie Bethany. I had to get the food to go and get the heck out of there. After an hour straight of crying, one bath later, and a near-to-tears mommy (again!), my dad (who was the only one home at the time) said, 'just go'. He knew that Oliver wasn't going to calm down for me as long as I was there and not giving him the boob. So I ducked out of there like I was leaving a strip club in the daylight. As I drove home, I called my cousin Kelly, who reiterated it was ok, reminded me not to feel guilty. I also remember my co-worker telling me a few weeks ago that she always took vacations without her kids even when they were young because it's important as a mom to have time away to 'regroup. I am trying to remind myself of this as I type this. It is now night two. My boobs are a little sore but not too bad. They haven't been emptied in almost two whole days. So I guess I'm tearful for a few reasons. One, I am admitting that, as a mother, I can't be around my child right now because I am so fatigued and need some sleep. (GUILT) And number two, my incredible, amazing, difficult, sacrificial journey with breastfeeding is coming to a bittersweet end.
A mother's job is never done. Sometimes I cringe when I say motherhood is a job. Guess what? It frickin is, it's hard-ass work. It takes commitment, will power, compassion, love....the list goes on and on. I guess these two nights, I am taking a brief sabbatical. So tonight, I will mourn another loss but look forward to a happy future. I will mourn the loss of a closeness Oliver and I will never ever have again as we are wrapping up our breastfeeding journey. This weekend I am certain will be worse as he likes to have that closeness for nap time as well as bedtime. Please send positive vibes our way and prayers that we will make it through this chapter and that our family will some day get sleep. In the meantime, I have wonderful family and friends who are more than willing to take Oliver so I can regain some sanity.....whatever shreds there are left.
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| Ollie-man in his vintage Easter outfit |
Tuesday, April 15, 2014
ok, but should it be this difficult?!
"They never said it was going to be easy."
This rings true for me in almost every facet of my life. The two things that stand out are: my health and being a mother.
This weekend was wonderful because my in-laws came and we accomplished a lot; however, I had a persistent and worsening headache as the weekend progressed. By Sunday it was borderline a migraine and yesterday, I stayed home from work and drew the blinds and laid in silence. I get migraines from my IV infusions I get every 8 weeks for my ulcerative colitis. The infusion is a medicine called Remicade or Infliximab. It is a chemotherapy that put my colitis in remission. I am glad it put me in remission but the side effects are starting to outweigh the benefits I feel as I am plagued with headaches almost daily and general fatigue. It also suppresses the immune system since the medicine is a biologic. This is one of my private battles I go through every day....debating whether I want to continue to do these infusions or get the courage to abandon this form of treatment and pursue holistic healing.
The second is being a mother. I knew it wasn't going to be easy but this child......my beautiful, angelic-looking, gift from God child. He challenges me in ways I didn't know possible. As if having a migraine wasn't enough, he wakes every two hours screaming bloody murder. Why? I don't know. Probably the fact that he has 14 chompers that broke through his swollen gums in the past 7 months. I suppose that'd piss me off, too. Everyone's got a miracle solution. But, I swear, Oliver is immune to all these. Therefore, we suffer through it. I have to continually tell myself "they never said it was going to be easy". Agreed; however, they never said it was going to be THIS HARD!!!! I often wonder if there is any sanity left for me. I suppose I will one day sleep again but i'll be old and senile at that point, and miss being a young mother with a baby.
These are my confessions.....
This rings true for me in almost every facet of my life. The two things that stand out are: my health and being a mother.
This weekend was wonderful because my in-laws came and we accomplished a lot; however, I had a persistent and worsening headache as the weekend progressed. By Sunday it was borderline a migraine and yesterday, I stayed home from work and drew the blinds and laid in silence. I get migraines from my IV infusions I get every 8 weeks for my ulcerative colitis. The infusion is a medicine called Remicade or Infliximab. It is a chemotherapy that put my colitis in remission. I am glad it put me in remission but the side effects are starting to outweigh the benefits I feel as I am plagued with headaches almost daily and general fatigue. It also suppresses the immune system since the medicine is a biologic. This is one of my private battles I go through every day....debating whether I want to continue to do these infusions or get the courage to abandon this form of treatment and pursue holistic healing.
The second is being a mother. I knew it wasn't going to be easy but this child......my beautiful, angelic-looking, gift from God child. He challenges me in ways I didn't know possible. As if having a migraine wasn't enough, he wakes every two hours screaming bloody murder. Why? I don't know. Probably the fact that he has 14 chompers that broke through his swollen gums in the past 7 months. I suppose that'd piss me off, too. Everyone's got a miracle solution. But, I swear, Oliver is immune to all these. Therefore, we suffer through it. I have to continually tell myself "they never said it was going to be easy". Agreed; however, they never said it was going to be THIS HARD!!!! I often wonder if there is any sanity left for me. I suppose I will one day sleep again but i'll be old and senile at that point, and miss being a young mother with a baby.These are my confessions.....
Friday, April 11, 2014
In the beginning....there was inspiration and enlightment
I originally started this blog back in January 2012 to document my pregnancy and share my joys and glowing months of growing a human being. What really happened was the worst nine months of my life consumed with vomiting, dehydration and constant nausea. Since I barely had the energy to lift my head, blogging certainly wasn't a priority or even something I thought about after a couple months. So! Having since birthed the parasite....ahem....child 19 months ago and successfully keeping food down since, I have decided to come back from retirement because since having Oliver, I have developed a large interest in eating healthy.... and not just eating healthy but eating CLEAN foods and maintaining a somewhat nutritious lifestyle. This blog is to reveal to you that this is a journey and I most certainly do not perfectly adhere to a certain diet but rather that I am a human being, a mother, a wife, and work full time; therefore, I am TRYING.
I won't get too much into detail now but as aforementioned, my son, Oliver, inspired and motivated me to really research what I was putting in my body because he was getting that, too because I breastfeed. And in those first several months, he was exclusively breastfed. Why would I want his pallet to be fast food or candy or junk food? I wanted him to eat healthy, so that forced me to do the same for his own wellness. As a result, I am gradually pursuing a realistic paleo diet, with the help from social media, blogs, books, and my ever-encouraging mother who researches everything.
I am not a medical professional but believe in our body's ability to overcome and fight disease and illness and common maladies by what the earth has provided since the dawn of time.
So, to start off, I want to thank Oliver, for being my bundle of chunky ginger inspiration, and my mom for always being a hippie :)
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I won't get too much into detail now but as aforementioned, my son, Oliver, inspired and motivated me to really research what I was putting in my body because he was getting that, too because I breastfeed. And in those first several months, he was exclusively breastfed. Why would I want his pallet to be fast food or candy or junk food? I wanted him to eat healthy, so that forced me to do the same for his own wellness. As a result, I am gradually pursuing a realistic paleo diet, with the help from social media, blogs, books, and my ever-encouraging mother who researches everything.
I am not a medical professional but believe in our body's ability to overcome and fight disease and illness and common maladies by what the earth has provided since the dawn of time.
So, to start off, I want to thank Oliver, for being my bundle of chunky ginger inspiration, and my mom for always being a hippie :)
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