Sleep woes and tattoos

Things are ... quiet. Meaning my body is functioning properly. I have had no flares, discomfort, diarrhea, constipation, bleeding, nothing. I have regular BM's (as mom calls them). My last Remicade IV infusion was March 2014. Since about that time, I have also been free from other medications. That's 4 months without prescribed medications! I haven't been free from medication in probably almost 10 years. It's liberating and a little scary.

I will say this, I still struggle sleeping. The reason I loved Ambien SO MUCH is because that shit works. I could drink an espresso at 9pm, take 10 mg of Ambien, and i'd be snoozing within 20 minutes. Now? Well, despite the couple of herbs and holistic/homeopathic measures I have tried, I still struggle to fall asleep and stay asleep. I'm probably getting 6 hours average a night, which is terrible for so many reasons. Ironically, my kid finally starts sleeping 11 hours straight at night and I can't even sleep when he is. That is probably more frustrating than anything. So, I don't want to say that all my endeavors are necessarily a success....yet. But that's ok. I'm not going to give up trying to find something that will work for me. If I could just do an 'on/off' switch for my brain, i'd be the happiest girl alive! That's my problem - I cannot shut my brain off. I lay there and think

"yay! If I fall asleep in the next 30 minutes, I'll get about 7 hours of sleep".....45 minutes later, "crap, I hope I fall asleep soon, I'm only going to get 6 hours if I'm lucky"....goes over agenda for tomorrow .....work stuff.....did Oliver poop today?.....crap, when did I schedule my haircut?.....i wish I had more money.....mo' money mo' problems.....I LOVE my new tattoo.....maybe I should check on Oliver?.....what if he stopped breathing????!!!!????......stop being paranoid, he's fine...........what is Travis DOING downstairs til 12:30?!......probably watching Dr. Who......I should file my nails.....ugh, if i don't fall asleep soon, I'm only going to get 5 hours of sleep......I wonder what my Sanford balance is.....I wish I had more money.......maybe we should get a minivan........I wish Oliver ate better tonight.......He's so cute.....I have the cutest baby ever!!!........why am I still awake??!!.....

I've tried Valerian root, calms forte, teas. I just don't know if I truly have the capability of falling asleep in under 2 hours and getting continuous restful sleep. The only period of time that I was getting decent sleep was when Oliver actually was sleeping through the night and I was taking Ambien. I am now struggling with whether I want to get back on it.

Alluding to my LOVE my tattoo statement, I got a tattoo on Saturday. It says and the sun shone upon her. It's from Lord of the Rings Return of the King. The context of the text is Eowyn, the Elven princess realizes she is in love. At that point, she doesn't want to be a swordslayer anymore. She wants to nurture and love things that grow. The line is “And then her heart changed, or at least she understood it; and the winter passed, and the sun shone upon her.” I felt this was appropriate for me. When Oliver came earth side, something in me changed. I felt a different kind of love. Not necessarily the love I have for Travis, which is expansive and wonderful and almost telepathic. This kind of love was a nurturing love, a fierce protecting type of love. I wanted to provide for him the way God has provided for me by meeting mammal's needs when he created Earth. I wanted to be whole and clean and pure for him and our relationship. I wanted to give him the best breastmilk I could provide. I wanted to give him an optimal beginning. This was Eowyn's enlightening. This is my journey.

Genesis 1:29 - And God said, Behold, I have given you every herb bearing seed, which [is] upon the face of all the earth, and every tree, in the which [is] the fruit of a tree yielding seed; to you it shall be for meat.

Genesis 9:3 - Every moving thing that liveth shall be meat for you; even as the green herb have I given you all things.